She Say's She Want's Out Of The Marriage

[steady]

All the rest of life doesn't really mean anything when it comes right down to it.

wow. to me it means everything.

I have my sails full up, going with the wind and hugging anything that I see on the river on the way. I love my life, I love my kids, I love my family.

All the rest of life doesn't really mean anything when it comes right down to it.

When you quote someoene you probably should grab the whole context of where the statement came from.

Well when I'm on my deathbed I don't think I'll be so concerned with how many times I stubbed my toe, how many trips to europe I took, and petty arguments....etc.

I would like to imagine the things I'd be thinking about would be if I did a good job raising my kids, did I do the best I could in the relationships I had, the great memories of times I had with friends and family,etc...

Like I said, to me, all the rest of life doesn't mean a damn thing when you get right down to it. One day this stuff I'm going through is only going to look like a speed bump in my rear-view mirror. So at the end of it all, how important is it really?

[tbart01]

Amen Steady, i have to agree. it doesn't make it any easier while we go through it, but it's the truth.

To clarify the getting along thing. We always have, and still are despite what we're going through is what I meant.

She told me yesterday that she see's D as the only option at this point, but that even after the d is final we may still find ourselves back together. She said she will never close that door.

I must say i really don't understand this logic at all. The other option is to work on this thing and know for sure we've gone down every avenue.

i will say that it's much easier being together when we're not forcibly trying to work on us. it was difficult when we had pre scheduled date nights and other time together.

now we have nothing to lose so to speak so we go with the flow. She still wants to spend time together, we're just not actively working on us.

i hired my attorney yesterday, and we're proceeding until something changes. i have no choice at this point but to now move on rather than forward.

[steady]

She told me yesterday that she see's D as the only option at this point, but that even after the d is final we may still find ourselves back together. She said she will never close that door.

I must say i really don't understand this logic at all. The other option is to work on this thing and know for sure we've gone down every avenue.

I watched my W use such illogical 'logic'. It doesn't make sense because there is no sense to it. Has she ever explained to you why she thinks a D is the only option??

I like you, we get along really well, we've been married all these years, we have kids together, I want to spend time with you, we may get back together down the road....but I see D as the only option.

I'm not sure what universe that makes sense in, but it doesn't seem to be the one I live in.

She's bailing - for what? There has to be something. Another person, a mid life crisis...something.

Next time she says - I see D as the only option, ask her what the other options are. Let her list them out without your help...lol. I'm curious to know what she sees as 'the other options' that are no good.

[tbart01]

You know we've been doing really well lately with all the pressure off. We have had very open conversations the past few days.

She said she needed to be honest with me, she knows she gave me a 2 X 4 across the head causing me to make changes. she feels that she can't stop because it will cause me either revert back or stop making changes.

The other she told me she was uncomfortable with me having a male roomate being that I have a teenage D. I asked her if she wanted me to get a female roomate, and she said absolutely not.

We have our first court dtae on 8 July do discuss child support and custody. i asked her today if july 8 is going to happen for sure. She responded by saying "Is that was this is about? A big push to get me to drop everything? Is that why you have wanted to talk about things so much? I thought it was because you have thought about our last meeting with the counselor".

Now she thinks that everything I say or do has a motive to get her to do something. That has never been me and isn't me now. Again, when we seem to make some progress, we seem to get knocked back down.

I had mention during MC last time that once we had that court dat it was a boundary crossed for me. It will have been a big negative in our situation, and money spent on an attorney that didn't need to be spent.

She sent me another email asking me "So what happens when July 8th does come and go? You still have it set in your mind that is a magical date"?

It appears as though she feels she needs to proceed with the court date, but still wants to hang on to the possibility of us reconciling. I'm not saying that it's not possible for us to reconcile during the D process, but the logic on her part just doesn't seem logical.

[tbart01]

She talked to me again last night and told me she doesn't think that I have a motive behind my actions.

She also sat down on my lap and said she was a broken person and doesn't feel she can give me 100% of herself. She said that's one of the things she's been working on in counseling.

She said she has made great strides, but asked me to give her time to repair herself.

[steady]

She talked to me again last night and told me she doesn't think that I have a motive behind my actions.

She also sat down on my lap and said she was a broken person and doesn't feel she can give me 100% of herself. She said that's one of the things she's been working on in counseling.

She said she has made great strides, but asked me to give her time to repair herself.

This is the part I don't understand. Just because a person can't give their spouse 100% at any given time in the M doesn't mean they need to get a D. That's part of marriage - each spouse will go up and down in life, it's part of life. Sometimes one spouse is more invested in the R than the other and vise-versa.

On your last sentence, Give her more time? I'm not sure what she's thinking, but time is decreasing every day that D date comes up. If a person wants more time, which is what you guys have a lot of (because there is no impending reason to rush for a D), then take the time limiting factors out of the equation and leave time open ended.

You said above she needs the date there because she's afraid you won't keep your changes. Well that seems to be backwards. If the date comes and goes, you keep the changes but decided the date is a point of no return, then she's out of luck.

On the other hand, if the date disappears, then she'll know if your changes start to diminish as time passes.

[robx]

It appears as though she feels she needs to proceed with the court date, but still wants to hang on to the possibility of us reconciling. I'm not saying that it's not possible for us to reconcile during the D process, but the logic on her part just doesn't seem logical.

I haven't chimed in for a while because you were happy enough to continue doing what you had always been doing without listening to the advice.

Observe reality.

She isn't logical.
Who said she was?!

You are applying your male logic to her female emotions, that never works, I'm sure I mentioned this to you before.

Hold on to the date.

That date works for you too now.

How long have you been at this?

Once that date happens, you pull back, you let go, you detach. You are mean, punitive, angry or resentful, you just let go.

No more switching homes or any other such nonsense, once custody and all the details are worked out, you tell her you will be living in that home and she will be living where she is living and the kids will just have to get used to going back & forth between the two locations, just something they need to get used to doing when you guys eventually divorce.

If she gets angry at you and claims you're negating all your changes and hard work you tell her that she has admitted to you that she isn't 100% herself, a relationship has to be mutually beneficial, you can't just put in 100% effort and expect nothing from her, you would resent her eventually because she hasn't done anything, even if you say you won't resent her now, trust me, you would, its human nature, no one does something for nothing forever, we want to be rewarded for our efforts, without reward you will quit doing what you're doing.

You'll start limiting contact with her, you will let her take care of herself and the kids when she has them, you'll stop yourself from rescuing her or feeling bad for her, time to be put on her BGP's as Greek would say (big girl panties) and let her deal with the consequences of her actions & decisions.

Someone who admits that they aren't 100% but is still willing to make decisions that adversely affect your life as well as the lives of your children can't be reasoned with, they're in their world, a place I like to call "Planet Fruitopia" and you can't get them to come back to Earth/Reality any sooner, it's up to them. Let her go, she doesn't have your best interested at heart, she isn't committed 110% wholeheartedly to fixing your relationship and she isn't working hard like you are working yet she holds you to this high standard that she can't hold herself to, that's a double standard and that isn't fair.

Let her go, stop fighting, stop everything, the next time she sits on your lap, you will do something counter-intuitive, you will ask her to get up, you don't feel comfortable with her sitting on your lap considering everything that's been going on, you've been doing some thinking and you've decided that you don't know how you feel about all of this anymore either, life is short, life is precious and you are wasting a lot of time in this process. You don't want to be with someone that doesn't want to be with you and you have a lot more thinking to do, again, you're not sure if you want any of this anymore.

Time to call game over,
she want know what she had until she's lost it.

[tbart01]

It's all very confusing on her part as we all know. Unfortunately it makes it confusing to us the LBS as well.

Steady, you're right it makes no sense that she thinks she can't come back right now because she can't give 100%. I told her the only way we'll ever know for sure whether or not it can work is to give it a try. I would hate for her to just walk away from something because she doesn't feel she can give it her all.

Robx I also agree with you. it's been my feeling for quite some time that the only way she's going to feel any of this is to start her new living arrangement. I haven't forced the issue because i don't want my daughters to leave there home, but the time is approaching.

Once the date comes and I have to start to paying child support, she'll have to move. Unfortunately, I'll also have to sell the family home and find a place for me.

It will be sad to have her come to her senses (if that ever happens), and all that we had is gone. I also won't be waiting around for her to fix herself once she follows through with the court date.

It will be very hard for me to return to her with all the resentment I will have because she kept the court date intact.

[idontunderstand]

Hey, tbart.

I have been following along quietly. You are getting great advice as we all are.

You seem to be having some trouble implementing some of the advice out of uncertainty or fear of what will or might happen. I'm right there with you.

it's been my feeling for quite some time that the only way she's going to feel any of this is to start her new living arrangement. I haven't forced the issue because i don't want my daughters to leave there home, but the time is approaching.

I don't want this to happen to my four kids. I can't change her mind for her, though. I have to stop fighting her and giver her what she wants. Like you, mine won't leave.

Once the date comes and I have to start to paying child support, she'll have to move. Unfortunately, I'll also have to sell the family home and find a place for me.

I think it will take the same action to get my W to leave. I may be able to keep the house, we'll just have to see.

Anyway, listen to everyone, as hard as it is, and let go. Sounds easy, I know. Again, I'm right there with you.

Good luck.

[steady]

You know what's really funny....since my W tried to get a second restraining order, yep, her second attempt in 16 months, I've done all my texting and emailing through my brother. Part of the temp order is that I can't text or email her unless it has to do with the kids. She lied and said I was texting/calling/emailing her all night and all day...lol.
(you can read all about it on my thread)

She even said I had conversations with her regarding where she's been even though she's didn't tell me where she was, so she is afraid I am or I have someone following her...lol. I couldn't believe I actually read those words on her affidavit. I couldn't give a sh$t what she's doing. Never mind wasting my time following her.

Anyway, I have not talked/texted/emailed/called her directly in two weeks. I don't care. I took what she wanted and gave it a push in the direction she was sending it...it's a fundamental Jiu Jitsu move.

Now she's reeling. Trying to contact me directly when I told her through my brother that I don't want her direct contact. I only want her to contact my brother who would then forward the message to me, then I would do the same.

Well now I'm getting the thank you's, her actual name written at the bottom of her emails, and tonight in one of her emails I get, I hope you and the kids have a great time on your trip. lol

I'm taking the kids to Colorado for a family reunion for a week. We're leaving on Thurs.

I don't care if I ever talk to her for the rest of my life. I just don't care at all. She's the last person I even want to see. The Friday after we get back I have the kids until 4:00. She wants to take them earlier that Friday and it's her weekend. I'd like to go to work that day because I need the hours.

So I had my brother send her an email saying she can have the kids in the afternoon and I'm going to work...but I added I wanted the switch to happen at my brother's house or in a public place. I need to protect myself. Hell, if I had it my way, I'd be doing any switches through a third person so I wouldn't have to see her at all...ever.

tbart, look at what's really going on. Look at how you're being treated. It's almost like some sort of perverse game. Let me tell you I want a D, let me sit on your lap and tell you I'm broken, let me tell you I think I need to hold this date over your head otherwise you'll change back, let me tell you I want you to give me more time - but in the meantime I'm going to press forward with the D, which is the time cutoff, but I think we may get back together later, maybe, probably, I'm not sure, but it's the best thing, compared to...uh, um, oh, compared to something I think I saw in the crystal ball I have hidden in my room, or was that in the attic? Wait we don't have an attic...what was that you asked me?

Want to ride bikes? It's your fault. Is that what this is all about? Trying to push me into reconsidering the D? I mean, come on now.... I've only changed my mind 50 times since you've been back...that's not a lot!