]He's already got one foot out the door and is looking for ANY excuse to leave.
I'm not taking the bait. It's hard as hell some days, but I'm not falling for it. Eventually, he'll stop trying. Kind of hard to fight with someone who's only ever pleasant in return. I mean you can only shout at a puppy for so long before you start to feel like a heel!
So he is trying to provoke you so that you would blow up and he would have an excuse to leave? Is that your guess?
Quote:
But you know who will fight? OW. She's got the tongue and disposition of a viper and while I'm fun and playful like a puppy, she'll snarl and growl like the b*tch she is. One day soon she's gonna say or do something SO stupid that WH's gonna chew her up and spit her out and step over her body on the way out the door. Then he won't be able to get her out of her fast enough.
Wow, she must be from the same litter as my stbxh's OW! There are scripts for OWs, too!
me,34 exH,34 S,16 months S:3/31/09-left for OW started DBing 10/09 d final: sometime 10/10 current: http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2022856&page=1 met in 2004
I would think he's trying to establish himself as a doting parent... If he does file and has no history of doing anything with his kids he wont' do well in a custody hearing...
Hmm. Still doesn't sound like him...
Originally Posted By: Allen A
OW doesn't have to have a plan.. she would handle things best tactically to play the whole thing by ear and not commit to anything...
Sounds like her - she's the queen of spin. Spins everything to suit her needs.
Originally Posted By: Allen A
YOu were saying once her work at the uni is done this year that she has to move away or something?
Unless she drags it out, she should be finishing up her PhD in December. She'll then typically go to a post-doctoral fellowship in another lab at another university. Of course, WH could fix it so that she does her post doc here in another lab in the same dept or in one of the universities nearby.
Lord, I hope not! Another six months I can take. Another 2 years? NO.
So he is trying to provoke you so that you would blow up and he would have an excuse to leave? Is that your guess?
Absolutely. That's one of the things that Larry said. WS's justify their behavior by blaming the BS for all their problems. Mine has followed that script. By exposing him and being nasty to OW - who loves playing the hapless victim - he's made me out to be an unstable psycho that he needs to get away from asap.
Quote:
But you know who will fight? OW. She's got the tongue and disposition of a viper and while I'm fun and playful like a puppy, she'll snarl and growl like the b*tch she is.
Originally Posted By: newmama
Wow, she must be from the same litter as my stbxh's OW! There are scripts for OWs, too!
This is all an ego trip for her - she destroyed another marriage to get her masters at another university. So yes, they all must have the same playbook...
So after talking with Larry and reading books and posting this week, there are several phrases that have stuck in my head, including:
"Be a better princess" (Puppy Dog Trails)
"Keep him guessing. My husband still comes home every night after 40 years because he never knows what he'll find." (Poster on another board)
"Don't worry about what he's doing. Change yourself, secure your children, live your life. YOU are in control of you, not him." (Larry)
"Have you ever seen a WH leave his wife with no plans for a relationship with OW?" (Me) "NEVER" (Allen)
"When you change, people around you have to adapt." (C. Carter)
So...
With all these things in mind plus everything ELSE I've been learning the last few weeks, I'm working on a game plan to shake things up a little bit, enrich my children, and have some fun. Oh - and get WH rethinking some things as well. These include:
*Spring cleaning (okay not so fun, but necessary) *Furniture rearrangement *Household repairs *Word of the day (new word at dinner to discuss and add to vocabulary) *Weekly field trip (to places around the area) *Friday Night Travels (study and cook food from new country each week)
I've been thinking about the Friday Night Travels for a while after I went to Trader Joes one time and brought back foods from 5 different countries (sushi, enchiladas, Greek salad, etc.) and called it "International Night". The kids loved it! I've been putting it off because WH is hit or miss with dinner times.
But you know what? Who needs him? My children are certainly worth the effort! Besides - it just might pique his interest enough to be home for Friday night dinner...instead of staying at Bible Study with OW (anyone else see the hypocrisy in that, or is it just me?)
I'm also continuing to exercise and "reinvent" my style, which has been sorely overdue.
I've been following along as well, and love your ideas above! It helps me too because I'm trying to find practical ways of doing more 180s and GAL. It's hard as a stay at home mom. Most of my friends are into their families at night. I would love to be able to just be gone with H gets home - doing my own thing - but other than shopping or going to the bookstore or something, I really don't know what to do! I try to plan things with the kids but they always ask H to go along (in their minds, why wouldn't they) or they have other things planned. I've been trying to do some things at home with them when I can or just doing my own thing while H is doing his. I know I need to do more than that though.
A few things I've been doing:
being dressed up when H gets home. If H asks about it (which he has at times) I'm just vague about what I did during the day.
Gotten brochures about places I want to visit and have them on my nightstand.
Exercising regularly - and making sure there is evidence. I don't tell him what I've been doing, but do little things like leaving my exercise clothing on the bed and shoes by the door.
Got my hair cut differently
Gotten a nice tan and kept it (self-tanner - no skin cancer!)
Yes, I know these physical things aren't big life-changers, but just part of the "look good" philosophy
Am going back to school to pursue my degree
Been looking for a job - but I'd rather just do school full time
SR - I feel your pain. My track was similar to you but WH moved out 4/17/10 and it hotly working on his R with OW. My kids don't know about it yet, but I'm sure it's coming.
Larry gave me the same advice and I'm trying every day to live it. The most challenging part is figuring out how to interact with WH each day.
I tried minimal contact (have to talk some as we have kids) last week and I guess I was successful as he mentioned to me that I was avoiding him and he got the feeling it a strain for me to talk to him. So, I take it from that that I didn't come across as polite and happy. However, maybe I did and he just wants to put a negative spin on it. But this week I've talked to him a little more. I also have tried thinking about him as the neighbor.
Keep up the good work.
Oh, yeah - good christians, what a laugh. It just underscores what everyone around here says - the WH and A partner will go to incredible and unbelievable lengths to justify their affair.
My WH and the OW profess to be great Christians too. Here's what OW put on her facebook page: "I live for Christ. He is my way, my light, my strength, and my savior Whose with me?"
I about threw up!!!!! I also encourage you to forget about the OW. That is VERY challenging, but I understand the value in filling your mind with positive thoughts about improving yourself and the lives of your kids instead of dwelling on what you can't change. The negative energy takes up valuable mind space. I try daily to re-focus my thoughts away from OW and the A. Sometimes successfully, sometimes not.
Hang in there! I'm praying for you. I pray you can turn your situation around before he leaves. I had hoped for that outcome for me, but alas he won't give her up. I keep that hope inside but recognize that I must move forward so that's where I'm focusing.
Have a great 4th. Do something awesome with the kids.
--------------------------------------- Him: 47 Me: 47 M - 23.5 years, T- 27 years D: 12 D: 5
Separated: 4/17/10 OW: 46
--------------------------------- M 47, H 47 DD 5, DD 12 Married 23.5 years, T 27 years Separated 4/17/10 EA/PA - started probably about 3 years ago
Thanks Seeking, SunnyD, and JTC - appreciate the input!
The mama bear in me wants to protect everyone from the calamity of this mess, but this is one lesson he's going to have to learn on his own the hard way. Regardless of what happens between us, THEIR relationship is doomed, as is her career. Given how badly he's treated ME for trying to stop the affair and keep our family together, I can just imagine the price SHE'S gonna pay when he finally realizes how she's been playing him to advance her career. It's gonna be ugly - particularly if it costs him his family.
I'm going to try and head that off if possible --
Looking back over the progress we've made in the last few weeks, I see he chases me most when I give him the nice neighbor treatment - friendly but distant. When do you notice your neighbors the most? When they're entertaining and doing fun things WITHOUT you. Nothing like looking over the fence at a great party you weren't invited to! So I'm working on a couple of fun, low-cost things for me and the kids to do this weekend to make him look over that fence.
Want to hear something funny? After deciding on this last night, I read WH's horoscope on Cainer.com this morning and it tells him to "expect the unexpected" this weekend, that magical things could come from unexpected sources. That guy just cracks me up some times!
And yes, JTC - the "Sunday Christian" act is appalling. One of the things I read on a list of issues WH wrote about me was that I wasn't a Biblical scholar, like OW. So she knows the Word - so what? What good is it if she doesn't follow it? Like being able to quote Shakespeare or Monty Python or Captain Kirk - interesting but useless?
Started my Friday Night Travel series with the kids - went to Spain tonight with paella for dinner and lemon sorbet for dessert - and had a delightful conversation about Columbus, Balboa, Picasso, and the history of the Moors in Spain. LOVE these kinds of nights! Talked about Ponce de Leon, Don Quixote, and Cubism. Fun site for kids - picassohead.com, where kids can create their own Picasso-like paintings. Fun, fun, fun!
DS 7 asked if we could "go" to London next week, while DD 12 asked about Argentina. DD 10 said she'd like to visit the Caribbean. What fun! We could all learn something!
Too bad WH's still at work and missed it all... LOl!
Whose with me?"