Setting them free

[kara]

Setting them free is really the only choice.

People are not possessions or articles and therefore holding onto anyone who does not want to be held onto can never work. Sometimes we hold onto ideas and dreams i.e of staying married or or maintaining a family unit but we cannot hold onto the people who want to walk.

It is purely fear that inhibits the giving of the "Dobson" speech. Fear that if you say they can leave they will leave. But they have already left anyway. If not in body certainly in mind and spirit. The speech is really an outward declaration that YOU get it. A way of letting THEM know that YOU do not wish to be complicit in the current state of play. A way of retaining some measure of dignity for crying out loud.

If someone is dead and you do not say they are dead does it make them alive?

Setting them free is a fearless action. Fearlessness can be reckless in some circmstances but in others it can also be attractive. If someone thinks you will be broken at the thought of setting them free and you DO IT, doesn't that immediately change the entire dynamic even if they do not return? You immediately appear stronger and more resilient. Some power returns to you.

[DumpedforMIL]

does letting them go and detaching mean accepting that the m is over and not worth salvaging?

that's the vibe i'm getting.
and i thought the whole db forum was to help people save their m's.

TH - if your wh came back, what would you do? you've detached to the point where you could care less.

[MrBond]

Detaching means that you release expectations and attachments to what your spouse may or may not be feeling. When the bomb drops, you find yourself analyzing every move that the WAS is making and trying to make sense of it.

Detaching is to let go of what you can't control. Only they know (or not) why they do what they do. You can't "tell" them how they should act or feel. They have to find out themselves. So you let go and let them find their own path.

It doesn't mean that you don't stop caring for them. It's just that you understand that they have to do the figuring out and not have you "try" to figure it out for them.

[TimeHeals]

TH - if your wh came back, what would you do? you've detached to the point where you could care less.

Well, it's my WAW (really run away, so RAW). No gay marriage in TN.

I don't know what I'd do. She can't just decide to come back and come back though. I know that much. My vote is the most important vote there is if that ever happens.

There was an EA involved (serious character issues need resolving). Not that I am an angel, but I didn't cheat, and I have been adressing my problems and letting them go.

There was NO WAY to save my marriage the way it stood. We both needed to change to have a new marriage. I was willing. She was not. That's how things stand.

[luvless]

This is a good thread..

I finally "gave up"...."let go" and I actually feel better. I had an agonizing 5 mos before I did it. I too was holding on to my family for dear life but I realized I didn't want someone who didn't want me.

It still hurts but I feel better now. I don't have to look at the clock to see when he's coming home. I don't have to listen to any of his lies anymore. I don't have to watch how much alcohol he drinks.

Here I thought I was setting him free but it was ME who was set free...

Luv

[DumpedforMIL]

There was NO WAY to save my marriage the way it stood. We both needed to change to have a new marriage. I was willing. She was not. That's how things stand.

isn't this true for everyone who is here?
the marriage 'as is' cannot be saved.
both sides must change.

Not that I am an angel, but I didn't cheat, and I have been adressing my problems and letting them go.

how do you know that the problems have been addressed and that you've let them go?
one of the issues i had was intimacy.
initially, i thought .. well, when i don't feel an emotional connection, then i don't want to be intimate.
easy, right?
wrong. it went deeper. i verbalized for the first time why i had intimacy issues. it opened my eyes.
ok, how do i know that i've addressed the issue? i'm not about to go out and try it with someone.

[TimeHeals]

how do you know that the problems have been addressed and that you've let them go?

I didn't say I let them all go. Some things I still am working on.

the marriage 'as is' cannot be saved.
both sides must change.

Yes, but only about half of us have to deal with EAs/PAs on top of all of that, and there's just no getting down to working on things while that goes on, and then you have to wonder if it will happen again if that issue in your partner isn't dealt with.

[Puppy Dog Tails]

: )

I see this as your sandbox.

Gucci, you and I have never had a problem as far as I can remember, I could be wrong, I am growing older. : ) A dissagreement? A verbal bashing? Doesn't even ring a bell.

I disgree with the way you approach some issues. The cut and dry of it, this OR that.

MLC? is OVER-APPLIED.

Strange to hear me say that since I consider MLC my sandbox?

It is true...MLC is the last 'hope' Area.

It is also not for me or anyone there to kill someones hope. The death of hope is a personal thing, like putting down your own dog.

Hope is hope, always will be. False hope? cynical for something that is unlikly to happen maybe even impossible, but you 'hope' for the long odds.

We also advocate and advise to grow as a person and to lose the codependancy that is so common with the new posters. Do we coddle? Yeah a little bit.

Do we do things differently? Hell yeah.

Do we dismiss New Comers like some of you have dismmissed MLC? No. We do things differntly and some of those things do not mesh we or at least I do say that alot.

Does MLC exist?

It seemed to fit my wife. So I believe in it. But to just dismiss it? Hell the numbers are rough but I'll stand by them roughly half the mental health professionals aren't sure if it is real.

I also absolutely totally agree with your set them free take on it.

We actually say MANY of the same things at the most core level.
Our tactics are different, and all of us want to help people through some of the crappiest times of their lives.

GREAT post!!



Puppy

[Puppy Dog Tails]

does letting them go and detaching mean accepting that the m is over and not worth salvaging?

that's the vibe i'm getting.

Nope. Absolutely not.

It means that the marriage isn't worth salvaging at any price. It's NOT, for example, worth checking your own personal integrity at the door.

The beauty of the "letting go" approach is that it is both, simultaneously, the BEST way to regain your own self-esteem and personal authenticity, AND the most effective method of attracting back your spouse.

It's NO-LOSE. You employ the BEST CHANCE you got at getting them back, and, even if it DOESN'T work, you GET YOURSELF back. And THAT is what DB is all about, IMHO.

Puppy

[xin]

For those of you hurting and searching for your answers...

I have heard many people say "I don't want to look back and say that I didn't try everything"

I've said this and i'm making one last effort for M; called OW to ask her to give our M a chance , got my H to go to a counselling session, and am trying in-house separation while detaching. First 2 strategies have failed, now i'm left with the in-house separation. I'll give this another few weeks, probably till the end of July. If that also fail, then I will pack up and leave, never to return. And I won't ever look back and think that i didn't do everything i can to save our M.