Larry concurs with the 180, but after 2+ months of VERY limited contact, I wanted to spend a little time with WH without kids around...
<Sigh> My absent-minded professor is really beginning to annoy me with the money, which is why I took the checkbook away from him all those years ago. Today's issue? He forgot to transfer money for first of month bills. Always exciting when all the auto-debits hit on the 1st and there's no money to cover.
His excuse? I waited until last minute (this past weekend) and he forgot. Hmm. Like he wouldn't forget if they were sitting on his desk for two weeks? Maybe I should just dump all the unopened bills on his desk and let him sort through when they're due instead of giving him a nice little list, all tallied up.
Let me see if I can offer the Cliff's Notes version:
Dbing advocates exposing the WS, cutting off all ties, allowing the affair to crash and burn, and THEN slowly work towards reconciling. No pursing, no coddling - just "tough love" and plenty of it.
Larry's version also advocates limiting contact and no pursuing, yet he says make each interaction short, pleasant, and stress-free. Why? Because it confuses and disarms WS!
Angry people feed off of each other. Tit for tat, offense/defense. If every interaction with your spouse is stressful, you start avoiding each other or gearing yourself for a fight every time you see them. Kind of hard to mend a marriage that way.
So Larry says DON'T fight. Stand your ground, grow strong and confident, but limit your contact with WS and make each interaction pleasant. It will take the steam right out of 'em.
Not that they won't try to draw you into a fight - they will. That's where WH and I are right now. He's ignoring schedules, being a pain with money, doing his own thing - in part to test his limits, in part to try and tick me off. Which is why I come here to vent and ask questions. He's already got one foot out the door and is looking for ANY excuse to leave.
I'm not taking the bait. It's hard as hell some days, but I'm not falling for it. Eventually, he'll stop trying. Kind of hard to fight with someone who's only ever pleasant in return. I mean you can only shout at a puppy for so long before you start to feel like a heel!
But you know who will fight? OW. She's got the tongue and disposition of a viper and while I'm fun and playful like a puppy, she'll snarl and growl like the b*tch she is. One day soon she's gonna say or do something SO stupid that WH's gonna chew her up and spit her out and step over her body on the way out the door. Then he won't be able to get her out of her fast enough.
So that's the plan. After all this time, let's hope it's sooner rather than later...
When an affair is started, a WS has three paths they can take :
a. Keep the marriage AND pursue the affair in secret as much as possible b. Pursue divorce and roll the dice with OW c. End the affair and explore rebuilding the marriage
What about option D: WS ends the marriage with no plans to pursue OW? Have you ever seen that happen?
Thanks for the warning. His actions with the in-house separation are consistent with that premise.
OW has told everyone under the sun, including me, friends, family, the police, etc., that she has no plans for a relationship with WH. Who knows what she's telling WH? She said in the police report that WH told her he asked me for a separation in January (he did, but I talked him out of it) and she was still saying she had no plans for him in March. Either she's lying to everyone about her plans, or WH is just refusing to believe her and will only be convinced once he's lost both.
Hope he wakes up before then for the sake of our kids.
There is one thing in all of this that I DON'T get, however, and forgot to ask Larry about it.
DS 7 was in cub scouts this past year, WH took him to most of the pack meetings - and has now signed up to be a leader. Making time to do something for his SON? For other people's children? It's completely out of character!
What's up? Is he feeling guilty, perhaps, for destroying the family? Or is this some sort of way to convince himself that he's a good father? I just find it beyond strange. ANYTHING he ever does centers around him first, others second. I don't get it...
I would think he's trying to establish himself as a doting parent... If he does file and has no history of doing anything with his kids he wont' do well in a custody hearing...
OW doesn't have to have a plan.. she would handle things best tactically to play the whole thing by ear and not commit to anything...
YOu were saying once her work at the uni is done this year that she has to move away or something?
