I didn't say it wasn't the best thing to do, I just said it was much harder, especially to do it with conviction. It's one thing to "kick your wayward spouse to the curb", but when half your kids' lives go with them, that's a special kind of h*ll. I didn't, and still don't, believe it was an "excuse" to be weak, but rather a manifestation of the ripping at bonds beyond those of our M.
Even now, while we're working at reconciliation, I know I should probably be more scarce, but I have a virtually open invitation to be with my kids more. An enormous pull is causing me to gravitate toward them, and therefore my W gets more of me. Being separated from my kids always felt totally WRONG and unnatural. Knowing they are a few miles from me, yet I am not allowed to see them, or be with them, felt WRONG, in every way. Now that my W has removed that barrier, I have no real desire to keep it in place voluntarily.
As I read through the last few pages, I see a common theme...
Some of you are missing the point of this thread...
This has nothing to do with being mean, ugly or disrespectful...
This isn't a game, this is your life...The only one He gives you...
Is this truly how you want to spend the rest of your life? Reading into each and every word spoken by your spouse? Trying to figure out each action they project? Being hurt over and over again when it turns out you didn't read the "signals" correctly...
There is no timeline here to follow...
I tried in the beginning, I read over hundreds of threads trying to stuff my H in a "box"...
MLC or PTSD or whatever other acronym I happened to come across...
The bottom line is DB is for you...
If you happen to save your marriage in the process great...
If not, you will be just fine, maybe even better than fine...
The point is you will survive.
The spouse you have painted into the MLC corner is self-centered, selfish, rebellious...
Instead of taking the time to evaluate where they are in their lives and where they want to be, they instead wallow.
They wallow in the past because it was more fun, a time filled with less responsibility, possibly no children , an easier job etc...
Right here at this point on the path is where their true character will shine through -
They will either sit down to adjust their old plan, possibly make a new one or they will blow up their lives with the greatest of fanfare...
My husband chose to blow his up...Now 16 months later, I am a better person for it...
I know I deserve better, I know I will be much, much happier, I know that He wants more for my life than I could have ever imagined and I also know that in my heart, I was correct all along...
Cheating on me was the final dealbreaker, I tried to overlook it just to keep my marriage in tact however it isn't possible.
You don't get to decimate everything we built together for a roll in the hay and think that it is ok...
It is never ok, once you can get to this place, than you will be able to detach...
Not in bitterness, not in hate, not in anger...
In love and with peace.
Stop using each and everything (yes, including your kids) as an excuse to hold on to something that wasn't yours to begin with.
People are not possessions, you don't own your spouse...
You are only in control of you.
May All Who Seek To Take My Life Be Put To Shame And Confusion; May All Who Desire My Ruin Be Turned Back In Disgrace. ~Psalm 40:14~
Stop using each and everything (yes, including your kids) as an excuse to hold on to something that wasn't yours to begin with.
People are not possessions, you don't own your spouse...
I wasn't saying kids are an excuse to hold onto your spouse, I was saying that marriages and kids are linked together, and yes, I do believe there is an aspect of possession in regard to kids, possession that slowly fades as they grow up. The younger the kids are, the more horrible it is to let them go, far beyond that of letting go of your spouse, because as you said, you don't own your spouse.
Follow your values not some technique. (Don't confuse values with dysfunctional beliefs)
Do the right thing (form counts) vs what will everyone think/feel.
M22,H45,W45 S21/18D12 Retain faith that you will prevail in the end, regardless of the difficulties and at the same time confront the most brutal facts of your current reality, whatever they might be.
I posted the following on my thread and another thread on "Infidelity":
In IC today my IC told me that the changes that I've made (thanks to PDT/Sandi and others) are my best chance at possible reconciliation down the road. And if we don't reconcile, I will bring clarity and healthy boundaries into my next relationship.
I've started to really "get it" the last few weeks in setting/enforcing boundaries, respecting myself, and reclaiming my dignity. My WW is free to join me if she desires but I'm moving on with my life. The techniques I've learned from this site are not about WS's, they are for us LBS's. Now, my WW can fog speak to me about "not meeting her needs", but you know what, I HAVE NEEDS TO that must be met.
I would like to add "Never make someone the priority when you're the option"
Cheers!
Last edited by loweinsd51; 07/02/1004:27 PM.
M-43 FWW-42 T 20 M 16 DD10 DD8 EA: 1/10 Informal separation: 6/11/2010 Headed for D: 7/6/2010 Piecing? 9/10/10
I was saying that marriages and kids are linked together
there is such thing as co-parenting counselling. mediation would also help in ensuring that both parents get access to the kids. don't underestimate the system. in many states, the children's well being are paramount - not the two bickering "adults".
as long as you know you are doing what is best, you can't go wrong. it's like tough love. it is hard but you know that it has to be done and it hurts you to do it. believe that things will work out in the end for the better.
look at coach's signature. the statement there is what helps me every day. that was probably the best piece of advice that he gave me. for that, i will always be grateful.
I have a young son (just turned 7) so I understand your point..
With regards to my boys (the other is 14) this has been a nightmare however I have done everything I possibly could to make sure their relationship with their Dad is in tact...It is up to him to see them...
I have done my very best to not bad mouth him or disrespect him even when he does it to my face in front of them. He has almost destroyed his relationship with both boys and it is sad however it is something he will have to live with for the rest of his life.
You do the very best you can with the hand in front of you, you hope, you pray, you grow, you heal, you survive.
May All Who Seek To Take My Life Be Put To Shame And Confusion; May All Who Desire My Ruin Be Turned Back In Disgrace. ~Psalm 40:14~
