So glad I read this thread, its just helps reinforce all the advice I've been given.
I have to say I can relate to futureunknown, my girls and how this will affect them has been definitely one of the hardest part of all this.
I must be doing better at detaching than I realize, went out again last nite w/a female friend, ...just a friend, but was nice. Today, ran out to do 'errand's, and w/is now start to ask where and why. I just tell her nothing important, or just to meet with a friend, I try to be vague without lying.
After reading this thread, it may just be time to give her that 'two week' notice, as hard as it will be. I'd be lying tho if I didn't say I am still very torn inside about doing that. But Im also starting to see more and more everyday, that I will need to regardless of the outcome, for my own well being.
Me 44 H 39 Met in 1998 Married in 2004 D 5, twins Bomb - May 16th, 2010
"Don't let Tomorrow or Yesterday get in the way of Today"
Working on letting go has been a good choice for me because
1. it aligns with my personal beliefs (people are not possessions)
2. it puts the focus on me and what I can control
I have a long way to go, but I'm proud of the progress that I've made in six months. Here are the things that have helped me the most:
forcing myself to listen to the advice from the wise posters on this forum (including the "unsuccessful" vets whose marriages were not going to survive)
taking antidepressants...I was doing a lot of personal work, but it wasn't until I started ADs that things turned around: I started being able to feel good, and I gained the ability to redirect negative thought patterns
reading and getting professional help with accepting how D will affect my children...which is the most difficult step in my letting-go process
support from real friends who don't pull any punches
Tomorrow is the six month mark of my separation. I'm ready to let go further and welcome input on that.
Last edited by flowmom; 07/02/1007:05 PM.
me: 42 | STBXH: 41 | T: 18 | M: 10 | separation: Jan 3, 2010 | they deserve better: S7 & D4 current thread: http://tinyurl.com/3y8sxcp .: first breathe, then heal, then start LIVING :.
Excellent stuff. So much of it I will have to steal and keep in a file to read when I need it or when I doubt myself.
Serenity I love that post...Dday did I read that right? Another baby on the way! Wow!
I waited way too long and used every excuse in the book:
*My kids' lives will be turned upside down
*If I expose to his friends he will hate me and be gone for good
*If I expose at work (ow was coworker and they had apparently been 'warned' for 'collaborating too closely' considering both were married and she was a subordinate) H will lose his job and stay-at-home mom ME will have no money to support herself, will lose the house, etc etc
*If I tell family members they will turn against him and make it hard to ever get back together (sadly I waited seven months after he moved out the second time, which was 18 months from when the A-bomb dropped, to tell anyone besides my parents and siblings~so hard to live life with such a big secret!)
*If I am nice enough, if I am loving enough, if I am 'good' enough he will see the error of his ways. I can't force him to choose because what if he doesn't choose me?
I would give a lot to be able to go back in time to the day I found him in the hotel room with her. If I could I would turn around, walk out, drive the 5 hours back home (yep I was snooping, got intel, then drove from KC to STL to bust him on a 'business trip' cause I am crazy like that). I would have filed immediately and not let him back in the house unless he brought the law with him and made me let him in. You get the idea, I would have done almost everything differently. But water is under the bridge so no point dwelling.
If you are just getting into this or are fairly new, don't do what I did!!!! Set them free for real, not as an agenda to win them back. And if you have been around as long as me, it's never too late to change for yourself, even if you don't reconcile.
And yes it feels good to be able to breathe again and to walk without hearing the crunch of eggshells...
taking antidepressants...I was doing a lot of personal work, but it wasn't until I started ADs that things turned around: I started being able to feel good, and I gained the ability to redirect negative thought patterns
I am glad you got to the latter. This is in no way being critical (in the end, I don't know how important it is how you get to the "feeling good" stage), but I made a concious choice to get there with no drugs, no alcohol, no anything. I went through it organically (and trust me, anti-depresents were a very tempting option at one point).
Granted, I was not married long, and the whole relationship was less than 4 years, so... maybe that makes a difference. Still, I remember it all as 8 months of Hell before I turned around
M-47,W-40,No kids D-filed 5/27/2010 Piecing - 10/21/2010 -=Soon to be banned=-
ever since the bomb was dropped, people flock to you to support you and help you. it was all about you. take a step back and return the favor and focus on them for a change. they too need support, laughter, fun, and company. focus on those around you. you owe it to them for their unconditional love and support. never take them for granted. do something for them today. cuz when the dust settles, you know they will be there.
ever since the bomb was dropped, people flock to you to support you and help you. it was all about you. take a step back and return the favor and focus on them for a change. they too need support, laughter, fun, and company. focus on those around you. you owe it to them for their unconditional love and support. never take them for granted. do something for them today. cuz when the dust settles, you know they will be there.
See above in highlights. Think that through. Greek
Me45 H46 T25 M22 S21 & 19 D13 Separated and filed 8/08 Moved home 11/08
vets whose marriages were not going to survive) 
