Dobson's speech is preceded by an entire change in demeanor and attitude. You aren't mean or rude. Just in your own little world. No pursuing or reaching out anymore. Short answers to questions and then on to something else..
Best done when you wait for an opening that the WS gives you after you have applied the new demeanor and attitude for a week or two. Be in your own little world as if there is something on your mind and you are oblivious to the WS... Thinking. Thinking.. "What is wrong with you, are you mad at me" (or something to that effect)
Then when they give you the opening for what is up with you lately....
THEN... you drop the new bomb on them..
"nothing wrong with me, but I HAVE BEEN DOING SOME THINKING.. and here is what I have decided. I don't know why I didn't see this before, but I have realized that this just isn't going to work this way. I now realize that I don't want to be with someone that really doesn't want to be with me. I don't want to be with someone who is having an affair. It just isn't what I want in life. So, I have decided that we should separate and work toward divorce. I think you should fiind another place to live as soon as possible. Within two weeks would be good. We need to decide what we are going to do with the finances, the house and the children too. I will get my attorney to draw something up for us. I am sorry it didn't work out between us but I have now realized that maybe this is for the best. Anyway, I have to go to my friends and I am running late. That is all I had to say. Talk to you later."
Don't draw it out and read them a book.. Short, direct, decisive and matter of factly.
And that is the moment you have released them. You then follow through on exactly what you have told them. Keep all your cards close to your chest. Mysterious. Not mean. Not punitive. Not angry exept for callng the affair what it is.. AN affair.
Note: The speech can also be effective written in a letter.
I loved your thoughts on the menu and relationships. I am going to copy it and put it in my pocket so everytime I start to whine about my choice not wanting me I can remember your post. Thanks.
Just found this thread...it is GREAT!!! I have recommended Dobson's Love Must be Tough on several threads. It is the first book on tough love and the basis for the whole line of thinking that respect is as important as love. You MUST respect yourself before anyone else will.
I have applied the letting go philosphy with much success. I can personally speak to the fact that in doing so, you have the best chance to gain back not only yourself, but possibly your WAS. It's worked for me previously and right now, has been my saving grace in keeping my sanity. Although, I do not claim to be an expert on exactly how to do it and don't profess to always doing it well. That's part of my issue right now in my current sitch because I don't know how much of it to do, not being able to prove an A. I just know that everytime H says he might want out, I say, "there's the door," in some way, shape, or form.
I am curious though. Early in the thread someone mentioned ways to be more attractive to your spouse - that there were great tips on men being more attractive to women, but wanted more tips for women to be attractive for men. I have to say that I'm curious about that as I look to do 180s and GAL!!!
It frees me because of that standard and line in the sand. Nothing more to talk about or figure out on my end. Takes the pressure off of me and puts it on them. Divorce would be filed in a heartbeat. Shows confidence and self esteem. If they want someone else, then have at it.. Totally free to be with them.. HOWEVER, you can't have ME too. I WILL be perfectly fine without you. I am a big boy. There are millions of women that would love to have a man like me and treat me really really well and be a great partner with me.
I wish I had been able to apply such a philosophy sooner in my situation, but the reason I didn't, and couldn't, is one that is ignored by this philosophy. My kids. My young kids who were being put through h*ll by their mother's reckless actions. I couldn't just say "Fine. You want him, you can have him", because I would effectively be saying "Fine. I freely give up half my kids' lives, and have no problem with you bringing a predator step-father into their lives." I was also grieving horribly for the loss of the family the kids were enduring. When kids are involved, especially young kids, it's not a simple act of letting the wayward spouse go, because they take some of the kids' lives with them. No court in my state would have ever awarded me with full custody.
Now that I've made it through my sitch, and am in a pretty good place, I've thought a lot about this. If we didn't have kids, how would I have acted differently? I am convinced that had we not had kids, I would have been able to let go and move on, much easier, and much sooner. I would have been able to employ complete no contact almost immediately and started healing. I would have been able to freely think about a new life, totally unencumbered by my past failed M. Thoughts of all the women out there who would "treat me right" wouldn't have been burdened with the added "need to be a great step-mom" too.
When kids are involved, "setting them free", is much more complicated, IMO.
I'll have e look at the Dobson book. Between DR/DB and Mr Nice Guy, I don't want to overdo it. I can't afford to confuse myself and become inconsistent.
I truly enjoy your perspective and this thread. I've had so much assistance from Puppy, Sandi and Allen (not to mention the support of other "relative Noobs" who can view my sitch as outsiders and see what I'm NOT looking at.
But, based on W's current bhvr and no hard evidence of A, your line of engagement seems most appropriate.
