Setting them free

[Greek]

? Help me out, Time. Not sure I see it.
Greek

I was agreeing with you.

It's a contradiction in terms: owing somebody for unconditional love.

Some cognitive dissonance going on there. One doesn't owe people for unconditional love.

One might appreciate it and return it however.

George Orwell turned in his grave

Ohhhh! Gotcha. Way too literal today, I guess. I've been hanging out with the D13 all day - that must be it!

Greek

[BobbiJo]

Otherwise it shifts from unconditional love into martrydom, "Look at me, look at all I've done for you", and then if you disaapoint them "After all I've done for you, you let me down". It may or may not be said, but it sure has been implied...the Marie Barone philosophy (see Everybody Loves Raymond for further examples)

I have gotten off the martyr train after learning the routine from my own mom. So much better NOT being that way!

[gardengirl72]

I have a question...is it ok to talk to friends (both of ours) and let them know my side of what has happened? I know I should have done this a LONG time ago, but I didn't.....I wasn't ready. Now that I am feeling stronger and want to let go, is it ok or do I let go of that too?

H is having an ea/pa...H left to live at our house up north in Feb..."not because of her or you...I love you, but I am not in love with you (I HATE that phrase!)....I just want to be alone...I wont divorce you."

Family (both sides) knows the story, but, I am finding out H is telling people I am CHOOSING to stay where I am at because my family is here. Which is BS...WE had always planned to retire there (north) together! We have had the house 20+yrs.

I am trying to drop the rope and set him free...I have not called him for a couple of weeks...I took my rings off last week. I have come to realize I don't want to live this way any longer.

The bad thing is, I have not set any boundaries. He has come back here a few times and I have gone there a few times since Feb. We sleep in separate bedrooms. We hug, kiss, but that is it. We do things together. In his mind this is GREAT...we are friends!!
I know, cake-eating!

My MIL/FIL were just up north (they are both from there) MIL called me today and said H is crazy!! I said, 'I know!' She said, 'No I MEAN HE'S CRAZY!!' She was going to tell him I had taken my rings off...I had told them (she thought maybe he would see I'm not waiting any longer)...they are VERY supportive. MIL said he is so detached and does NOT think he has done anything wrong! In the end, she DID NOT tell him I had taken my rings off, she feels I should talk to him that maybe it would have more of an impact.....but did say to me, 'I really think it is time to go on with your life.' She did tell him, 'in no way, shape or form will OW EVER be allowed in my house!!!' His response, 'I know. This isn't about her!'

I guess I have two questions now. Being he still thinks we are 'friends' because I have not set boundaries, do we get together to talk so I can tell him this is not how I want to live?.....I will not be his friend while he is still talking to OW! If I do tell him...how do I say it?

One more, how long do you go without sex before one is considered a virgin again???

Thanks for your help....love this tread!!....gg

[Piano]

This is a very useful thread. I was 4 months into our planned pregnancy when dropped the bomb (PA/no chance of reconciling). I think it is different when there are kids involved and I would also say it is doubly hard again to "let go" when you are expecting your WAH's child.
For example, my baby smiled for the first time this week. Do I share that with WH or would that be going against Letting Go because his A with OW is a dealbreaker? How do you Let Go and effectively co-parent especially in the early days?
There are 2 of us in Newcomers who have just given birth to our first babies and 1 who is about to...

[Piano]

Sorry, wasn't fast enough to edit my above post. Second line was meant to read as: "I was 4 months into our planned pregnancy when WH dropped the bomb".

[Greek]

Otherwise it shifts from unconditional love into martrydom, "Look at me, look at all I've done for you", and then if you disaapoint them "After all I've done for you, you let me down". It may or may not be said, but it sure has been implied...the Marie Barone philosophy (see Everybody Loves Raymond for further examples)

I have gotten off the martyr train after learning the routine from my own mom. So much better NOT being that way!

MARIE BARONE...spokes-mom for martyrdom! Perfect example of what NOT to do!

Greek

[newmama]

I think if I had let go earlier than I did, I would have regretted it.

So I am glad that HE was the one to file (just for me and my sitch-not advocating that everyone wait for the spouse to file), I learned an example of how to fight for my marriage and make changes in myself, and if I run into problems with my next relationship I have learned some useful techniques BEFORE it comes to breaking up/divorce.

But can I say that to truly let go without expectations FEELS FABULOUS! FREE! AMAZING! no joke.

[gucci loafer]

I guess I have two questions now. Being he still thinks we are 'friends' because I have not set boundaries, do we get together to talk so I can tell him this is not how I want to live?.....I will not be his friend while he is still talking to OW! If I do tell him...how do I say it?

I am of the philosophy that you really let go and when the "friends" thing comes up...."Oh yea, sure, we can be friends. We probably make better friends than we do lovers, and I now realize that you were right, I will always love you, but I am not IN love with you either".. and then I would in reality, be a terrible friend. One that doesn't answer all calls, one that treats him like he treats you. etc. etc.. In other words, my actions would be the exact opposite of what I had told him. I would then be out dating others and see how he handles the friendship when THAT happens.


It doesn't make sense to want to reconcile and be married and yet tell them you won't be their friend. It actually works better the other way around. Tell them you don't want to be married to them and that it would be better that you are friends because you are not IN love with them anymore. It shows more of the "letting go" to do it that way. Like it is now no longer a big deal what he is doing. Water off your back. You tell him you are ok with being friends, and your actions show you are going to be as bad of a friend as he is.

Take a page from the WS.. They almost always say they are not IN love with you and then almost always say that they want to be friends. Do what they do.

[DumpedforMIL]

I am of the philosophy that you really let go and when the "friends" thing comes up...."Oh yea, sure, we can be friends. We probably make better friends than we do lovers, and I now realize that you were right, I will always love you, but I am not IN love with you either".. and then I would in reality, be a terrible friend. One that doesn't answer all calls, one that treats him like he treats you. etc. etc..

wouldn't that just give the impression that you are not over the WS?

the problem with me is that i'm a 'digger' and i reveal my emotions.
i'd never just end it with "sorry, i'm busy."
i'm more of the "sorry, i'm busy. why don't you go ask mommy and daddy for help? they've got nothing to do but wait on you hand and foot anyway."

i'm really bad at this db-ing stuff. :P

gucci .. hit me with a 2x4.

[sandi2]

Dumped for MIL, you need to be the one who is set free. I spent many years as a "victim" in a M where my H chose his mother over me. I can tell from what you say in your post that you can think of nothing else but your stitch. It is poison to you.

When a woman is M to a "mamma's boy" it will be a miserable life. You have no children. If you did, the MIL would take more control as she would dictate to the son how they should be raised and she would try to turn the children against you (if she's anything like mine was). Don't have kids with this man thinking it would draw him to you and away from his mother.

I'm sorry that I can't give any hope. I think you need to be free of this man and his mother.