I have been reading posts here on DB for a while and wasn't sure if I should join, but I am in desparate need of help and advice. My H of 12 years left me in early January 2010 and never returned. Said he was unhappy and it was because of me. He said he made a bad decision in marrying me and that we are not right for each other - and it took him years to get up the "courage" to leave. He is a reservist and has been deployed for 2 months now. We do not have any legal documents separating us, but in VA, you are considered legally separated when you stop living together.
Well, he made the decision to leave. I do not want a divorce and I have begged, pleaded, told him I loved him and believed in him and nothing. He ignores me. I have been there for him and his family over the years and he is treating me with total disregard. It hurts and pains me so much to see this man I married, who pursued me vehemently when we were dating, behave like he does not care about me or really anything.
He has a twin sister and baby sister, who is not clode to. Both of his parents are deceased. He has a older brother who lives in a half-way house (another state) that he has never seen (since he was removed from the home) or visited and even acknowledges. He tells me, "don't know him".
My H is a smart and intelligent man, very accomplished, but has issues that he just does not want to deal with. I know I have not been nice 100 % during our marriage, but he even admitted, before going to Iraq, that I am the only one that EVER treated him with so much kindness and love.
I suspect, after seeing him with another woman, that it began as an EA, but not sure if it turned into a PA. Now that he is in Iraq, I have cried everyday this week. He called yesterday and told me that I am being difficult by not wanting to discuss divorce. It is my fault that we didn't get things resolved (divorce/legal separation papers) before he left. I asked him about his dedication to the core values of the military. Why would he divorce without even attempting to see if the R could be salvaged? He says that we will never work as a couple; even alluding that we should sell the house upon his return next year.
He asked me to sign up for Skype so that we can have video chats while he is away. I did a stupid thing and then asked if he planned to speak to "other" people (in an attempt to see about the OW) through Skype and he said "probably". I asked if that would be his family and he said I needed to stop asking questions.
3 weeks ago, he called and emailed me several times when I was out of town and then sent me a mean message asking why I was avoiding his calls and emails. I was not, I just needed to get out of town and did not take charger (by mistake). Then we speak and he is so gentle and kind on the phone, asking where I was because I was not home and saying that I was being mysterious. He said that he cared for me so much, but now, 3 weeks later, he is spouting D again and says he is never coming back. What do I do? Am I in denial? He seems like he knows what he wants to do and maybe I am the one who is not facing the truth...
I am so lost and confused...HELP!!
Me 41/H 49 M 12yrs No Kids Bomb 1/10/2010 H Deployed The three great essentials to achieve anything worth while are, first, hard work; second, stick-to-itiveness; third, common sense. T. Edison
Hi ShellDoll, I am so sorry for what you are going through. Please call me about talking to a DB coach. They are wonderful, and you will look at your situation with 'new eyes' and a plan that could get your marriage back on track. The added strain of him being in Iraq is especially difficult. There is a military discount available to you. I wish you all the best and hope to speak to you soon. Karen
Karen, Resource Coordinator The Divorce Busting Center 303-444-7004 karen@divorcebusting.com
Give me a call if you'd like to schedule an appointment to speak with a Divorce Busting® Coach.
He asked me to sign up for Skype so that we can have video chats while he is away. I did a stupid thing and then asked if he planned to speak to "other" people (in an attempt to see about the OW) through Skype and he said "probably". I asked if that would be his family and he said I needed to stop asking questions.
Could be OW. Check into it. Puppy will be around soon.
Bomb 8/09. Brief piecing 12/10. D-2/12 Two incredible kids D9,S6 Leading new life! “Success is not to be pursued; it is to be attracted by the person we become."
I am spiraling today. Having a difficulat time dealing with all of this. I have no children and very little friends. The friends I do have all have children with extracurricular activities. I feel so very alone and I want to curl into a ball and....
Me 41/H 49 M 12yrs No Kids Bomb 1/10/2010 H Deployed The three great essentials to achieve anything worth while are, first, hard work; second, stick-to-itiveness; third, common sense. T. Edison
It has been a good few days. I took my nephews down to Disney and spent the last week and a half with them. It felt so good to see them smile and have a good time!
Now, I am home. I have received a few email messages from my H telling me about his comings and goings in Iraq. Not sure how to respond anymore because there is really nothing more I can do to change my situation. It seems like most everyone who is on the boards has a spouse who is at least living in the same city or state.
What kind of advice can anyone give me if my H is not even here for me to interact with?
Me 41/H 49 M 12yrs No Kids Bomb 1/10/2010 H Deployed The three great essentials to achieve anything worth while are, first, hard work; second, stick-to-itiveness; third, common sense. T. Edison
I had email interaction with my H today. Here are a few excerpts. Not sure what to think or do...
My H's messages:
1st Email: "I'm struggling babe. I have in my mind, all those weeks, months and years where i was saying to myself that I made a mistake and didn't want to be with you. But, on the other hand, I miss having someone in my life that cares about me. It's pretty much the same dilemma I've had with our relationship from the get go."
2nd Email: "I know what you want and where your heart is. I have no confusion around that. It's want I want and where my heart is that I'm having trouble with."
3rd Email: "I'm very worried about being with someone, you or someone else, for the wrong reasons. I believe I was with you already for the wrong reasons - simple companionship so I wouldn't be lonely. That shouldn't be the reason."
4th Email: "Well, I'm going to have a lot of time to think while I'm here."
Does this mean anything? Puppy or GR8, can you provide insight?
Me 41/H 49 M 12yrs No Kids Bomb 1/10/2010 H Deployed The three great essentials to achieve anything worth while are, first, hard work; second, stick-to-itiveness; third, common sense. T. Edison
So sorry to read your story and I feel your pain of course I am no expert as I am on here for similar reasons but what I do know is what your are feeling is normal but I think you need to take care of yourself and don't make yourself so available to him when he trys to communicate. He walked out on you and was mean about doing it. Its one thing to be unhappy in a marriage but he didn't have to be a jerk about it and make you feel awful. You need to do things to get your self esteem back so you can get stronger and be better able to deal with this rather then feeling like you can't breath...I know that feeling all to well. I also know the more you cry, beg, plead your case and ask 21 questions the more he will resist you and the worse you will feel. You need to take a breather and not communicate for a little bit. Believe me I know it is hard but it is possible. Move a muscle chage a thought.
M37 H30 D1 S18 (previous relationship) M 1yr Bomb 6/25/10
I keep reminding myself I am strong even if I don't feel it. I know from my past this is true. I might just get a tattoo to remind me.
Thank you DC. I want to remain married. I did not initiate this and I do believe he has deeper issues he needs to deal with. How do I move on without abandoning the marriage or the vows I made?
Me 41/H 49 M 12yrs No Kids Bomb 1/10/2010 H Deployed The three great essentials to achieve anything worth while are, first, hard work; second, stick-to-itiveness; third, common sense. T. Edison
I am so upset. My former college roommate FB'd this morning and told me she knew about the issues with my H. I asked her who told her and she told me that my sister told her. Is there NO ONE I can trust to keep my confidence? I understand that they are concerned, but I cannot shae anything with them.
My H emailed again today to ask me to send a copy of his reserve bio. He started off by saying, "Hun". He hasn't used words like this to describe me in a long time. I am not reading into it. But It was nice to see it in writing.
Me 41/H 49 M 12yrs No Kids Bomb 1/10/2010 H Deployed The three great essentials to achieve anything worth while are, first, hard work; second, stick-to-itiveness; third, common sense. T. Edison
It has been tough and it appears that Those of us without DIRE help (such as my husband being deployed) do not get the input from those on the boards that others receive. I feel VERY alone and thought these boards would help. I am discouraged and need help. Maybe it cannot be found here...
Thank you for reaching out.
Me 41/H 49 M 12yrs No Kids Bomb 1/10/2010 H Deployed The three great essentials to achieve anything worth while are, first, hard work; second, stick-to-itiveness; third, common sense. T. Edison
