I've always handled the checkbook, and he never asked questions, not for 20+ years. After the last exposure, he stopped having his check direct deposited into the household account. Now I must ask him for money to run the house and show him all the bills and credit card statements. He wants access to EVERYTHING. It's driving me crazy, especially since this is so damn one-sided. He wants me to account for every penny, yet he can spend every evening working late and I'm not supposed to ask questions?
Testing? Control? Getting ready to abscond with all the cash and leave me high and dry?
This is EXACTLY what happened to me - my STBX did the same thing. I filed on his disgusting a**!! [/quote]
M44 H41 M20 T23 3 older teens Bomb Nov 09 "i'm not happy" EA Nov 09 w/coworker Another PA in Mar 10 I Filed Apr 10 D final Dec 10
Wow! You guys were BUSY while I was out socializing yesterday! Lol!
I do have something to report...
PROGRESS!
After taking the 4th off completely - 1st day he hasn't worked in probably 3 years - he went to my sister's with us yesterday for BBQ. I was FLOORED!
He's been pulling away from my family since early 2009, MIA from just about everything, and to have him WILLING spend 4 hours with them -- well, I was flabbergasted! He was his old charming self, making everyone laugh, AND flirting and goading me like he used to.
We went in 2 cars and he left around 8 because he "had work to do". The kids and I stayed for fireworks and left around 10:30. When I got home, he'd turned on the a/c (window unit) in my room so it was nice and cool for sleeping. I texted him that we'd made it home safe and thanked him for turning on a/c. He texted right back, "yur welcome."
OK, he's 47... He thinks someone almost twenty years his junior is going to go the distance with him? Does he honestly think that when he's 75 she's gonna be there with him? lol
Seriously?
Sorry, but that's so ridiculous given her age not to mention her maturity level she's demonstrated its laughable...
Age is not an issue. His father is 75 and his stepmother is 56 (5 years older than his brother and 9 years older than him). They've been married for 20 years. The stepmother has had TONS of health issues - almost as many as his dad. The healthiest one of the bunch in his mother (74) - she's too ornery to get sick!
The bigger issue is that OW has repeatedly expressed an interest in having kids; WH got snipped and has NO interest in revisiting the baby years. Hell, he wasn't that thrilled about it when he was IN them, which is why I've done 95% of the parenting. OW is also a different race and different religion - her parents will not like him for those reasons, let alone the fact that he's nearly 20 years older than her and abandonned his family to be with her.
They've got SO MUCH stacked against them that I think giving them all this time together during the separation has FINALLY made them realize they probably can't make it work. That and the fact that most of the female faculty can't stand her. Lots of people have called me crazy. NO ONE has EVER called me a whore. OW's nickname is "whoralina." I think WH may have finally discovered that he WASN'T rescuing a damsel in distress; he was just trading down.
They call her names behind her back but no one will actually publically protest?
Ah well, its mild exposure at least... Having people on campus call your affair partner a whore certainly is going to put a dent in the fantasy if its done enough by enough people...
You seem to have a situation similar to Ken in that no one seems to like this woman but no one wants to speak up enough to put a stop to the nonsense.
I wonder how many other women have to tolerate infidelity at the University...
It would be great to be able to go to the social work dept of the university and have a family therapist come to the uni and have a huge talk about infidelity... Put Infideility posters all over the campus... You would need a contact list of other wives from that Uni who are being cheated on to make that happen I would imagine... That would be a huge dent there... An infidelity smear campaign all over the campus on the practice in general... By a collection of women with support from the Department of Social Work
They call her names behind her back but no one will actually publically protest?
You seem to have a situation similar to Ken in that no one seems to like this woman but no one wants to speak up enough to put a stop to the nonsense.
It's a climate of total acceptance. I've never seen anything like it.
You know how celebrity couples get branded with blended names like "Bennifer" and "Brangelina?" They do that at the University when couples hook up. I thought it was funny at first. I'm not laughing anymore - especially since I heard WH & OW's combo name, which makes them seem exciting and mysterious. Breaks my heart.
One of WH's other female grad students left his lab as soon as she could because she was cheated on by her husband, likes me, and HATES OW. WH lost all respect in her eyes, which is considerable because at one time, she thought he "hung the moon." But I don't think she complained to anyone, she just left as soon as her coursework was done.
Originally Posted By: Allen A
I wonder how many other women have to tolerate infidelity at the University...
I know of at least 4 - there are probably dozens more. "Everyone's doing it," the University condones it, and my husband went right along with it. I'm the ONLY wife to openly object, and I know you think I haven't done it nearly enough - but trust me when I say I'm the lone voice of dissention here. That's why they think I'm crazy. Maybe I am, trying to fight this Goliath.
One BS got her husband to move to another University and another has been talking about divorce for 6 of their 8 year marriage, but they're still together.
Originally Posted By: Allen A
It would be great to be able to go to the social work dept of the university and have a family therapist come to the uni and have a huge talk about infidelity... Put Infideility posters all over the campus... You would need a contact list of other wives from that Uni who are being cheated on to make that happen I would imagine... That would be a huge dent there... An infidelity smear campaign all over the campus on the practice in general... By a collection of women with support from the Department of Social Work
It's a great idea, but I don't think it would never happen. When the Provost tells your husband that "as long as you're consenting adults, we're ok with that," you know the infidelity starts at the top and they're not going to do anything to curb it.
The ONLY thing that might have an impact is massive media exposure. But I'm not willing to sacrifice my marriage for it, which is what it would come to at this point. Maybe if we divorce or if we move to another University once this is over and done with (which I'm beginning to think would be the best thing - a new start in a new place with no OW history), I might consider feeding this to the media. They'd have a heyday with it, particularly if it was during graduation week or back-to-school week.
I am picturing you and a dozen other women picketing the university... lol
I do reemmber you mentioning one grad student who left the uni because of your H and OW... What a nightmare to have to go through as a student...
The uni may support it at the top, and I can understand why.. It's a free perk they can offer thier PhD's ... most of which are underpaid for how intelligent they are... Every administrator loves to have the chance to offer their employees free perks
I don't expect the uni administration to crack down... But I do think a sizable enough group setting a new cultural standard on campus would help... The social work department must have some interest in this subject... Granted, maybe the admins of that department all cheat too... That would be irony...
I am picturing you and a dozen other women picketing the university... lol
Yeah, like a bunch of Suffragettes from 100 years ago, but instead of demanding the right to vote, demanding fidelity from our husbands! Lol!
Originally Posted By: Allen A
I do reemmber you mentioning one grad student who left the uni because of your H and OW... What a nightmare to have to go through as a student...
Such a bright, sweet girl. She's from China, went home to visit her parents for a month, and came back with a new husband. He was cute and they seemed very much in love. But within a year, he was cheating on her with his English teacher - a friend of hers - and she kicked him out. He lost his visa and had to go back to China.
When she saw what was going on between WH and OW, she had ZERO tolerance. But since you don't reprimand your elders or authority figures in Chinese culture, she just got out as quick as she could.
WH mentioned he and DD 12 saw her at the mall a couple of weeks ago but she was distant and not at all happy to see him. Gee, wonder why?
Originally Posted By: Allen A
The uni may support it at the top, and I can understand why.. It's a free perk they can offer thier PhD's ...
I'd rather have free parking!
Originally Posted By: Allen A
I don't expect the uni administration to crack down... But I do think a sizable enough group setting a new cultural standard on campus would help... The social work department must have some interest in this subject... Granted, maybe the admins of that department all cheat too... That would be irony...
The moral compass is broken here. The only ones scandalized were the police, and only the first time I spoke with them. They were much more closed-mouth the second time we spoke...
