I did consult with an attorney awhile back...but because we split up everything, no children, and my H didn't want to use lawyers- I never pursued it.
I am happy about the refi as well. I was terrified at being a solo homeowner and carrying the burden on my own...but I have been slowly coming to grips with it. I am still adjusting to my new lifestyle...and I am sure it will take several months before I get used to taking care of everything on my own. I have been starting to think about ways of making the house my house..instead of our house.
I just read the MLC vs WAS thread. It is so interesting. I think my H was mainly MLC...but I was able to see some WAS mixed in too.
Additional reasons for MLC/BPD- maybe NPD 1) After the 2nd bomb- H told me that he always believed that I was lucky to have him..and he took me for granted 2) H would tell me many details about OW such as- this was her 2nd affair in his office; it would never work with her because she was a liar; he bought her coconut oil for V-day; she cooked him dinner for V-day; she would wait until everyone in the office left for the day and would sneak back in to be with him; she never loved the father of her 2nd child- she only was with him for stability..meanwhile the father of her 2nd child had 4 children with 3 different mothers. He believed this. 3) He told his mother that she needed to accept everything that he said and did going forward. He never got to make his own decisions (pretty much cr*p) 4) Two weeks before bomb 2- H sent out an email to all of our friends saying that we were starting a yearly tradition of going away. 3 other couples booked trips to Colorado along with us in which everyone needed to cancel 3 weeks later. 5) H said that our M looked good on paper but he always had doubts. (I never pursued him or discussed M with H prior to him proposing) 6) H was looking at two door sports cars 7) H was acting like a victim after our separation saying things like "10 years...and this is what it got me", "I am now living in a studio apartment".."I don't have a couch". 8) H was thinking about leaving his law career 9) H affair started right after he made partner at his firm 10)H agreed to go to MC but only went 2x although MC was going well- we would even grab dinner afterwards 11)H said he was going to stop seeing OW during our separation..he never did..and then said that I told him to continue seeing her 12)H continued to see OW even though two of the partners who knew about the affair told him that he had to stop seeing her or someone would have to leave 13)H thought I was conspiring against him when the house appraisal came in lower than what he expected. Complete paranoia. The 2nd appraisal came in even lower and he wanted to know what I was trying to pull
Do WAS act more rational? I am on the path to D so I guess it no longer helps to distinguish between WAS and MLC..but I am kind of fascinated with all of the crazy behavior that others on this thread have experienced. My list of MLC like behavior can go on and on. His family and myself were really questioning his sanity. He was being urged to go on medication by his sister and mother.
When I went to dinner with my MIL several weeks back- she said that my H seemed a bit more grounded lately- thank god. She called me several days ago and she says that she still has no idea what happened to her son. I don't know if he is continuing to act nuts with his family- I don't ask any questions anymore..I truly don't want to know anything- I feel like it drags me right back into the drama. She also told me that she is still so ashamed and she may never get over the way her son acted.
Do WAS get crazy? do they get crazy with just the LBS? or do they just become crazy in general?
Jack- thank you for sharing that thread..I need to read the others tomorrow.
Received text message from H this morning: "Sorry about being weird yesterday. no excuse but it makes me feel lousy to be a stranger in our house and with our dogs and everything else. i will get you what you are looking for"
Respond or not respond...and if I respond- how do I respond? .....sigh
I have always told him that I wanted to file as adultery. I would not have him served. I would not have OW served. I will mail him the papers and he can hand the OW the copy. I am not looking to embarress him...but I do want my divorce papers to state the truth. He is against this.
Hi lola. My H is also a L. I find might your H's response about the D papers quite strange except for your comments about filing on the grounds of adultery. Regardless of how he gets the papers, whether by service or by mail, they do become a part of the public record of the divorce case. I suspect he does not want that embarrassment, and is stalling in the hope that you will change your mind.
IMO, if you hope to ever rebuild your M, or even have a civil R with your H after D, you may want to reconsider your stance on this. Insisting on exposing his adultery seems a bit revengeful to me, and it may turn what would otherwise be a civil D into an ugly public battle. That may not be in your long-term best interest.
Quote:
I did consult with an attorney awhile back...but because we split up everything, no children, and my H didn't want to use lawyers- I never pursued it.
This is something I would not agree to. You should have your own L, and I would let H know that you will not sign any papers without consulting one.
Quote:
She called me several days ago and she says that she still has no idea what happened to her son...She also told me that she is still so ashamed and she may never get over the way her son acted.
My MIL has also been extremely supportive of me, while also loving her S unconditionally. She walks a fine line, and I am grateful for the balance she has found.
Keep reading, posting and working on you. You will find you're best way through this.
M 65 H 64 T 39 & M 36 @ S 12/08 Two Ds
Do you know that the harder thing to do and the right thing to do are usually the same thing? Nothing that has meaning is easy. ~ The Weather Man
[question]Do WAS act more rational? I am on the path to D so I guess it no longer helps to distinguish between WAS and MLC..[/question] I think you answered your own question. At some point it will not matter to you…and I mean really will not matter. Funny thing…you decide when that point is.
Quote:
IMO, if you hope to ever rebuild your M, or even have a civil R with your H after D, you may want to reconsider your stance on this. Insisting on exposing his adultery seems a bit revengeful to me, and it may turn what would otherwise be a civil D into an ugly public battle. That may not be in your long-term best interest.
I agree with Twink on this one. I think you need to figure out a few things first…1) who are you…and I mean who are you really. Ya know…the person that you are when no one is around. 2) once you have answered the first question…then determine what you want in the future with your H or STBXH. Do you want to remain friends? Is his definition of friends that same as yours? What do you really want?
I also agree that you should have your own L. Just remember that your L works for YOU. You can listen but do not have to agree with your L suggestion. As hard as this may be…do what is right and JUST.
In terms of the OP in your life….we’ll I think J3B set ya straight here. Now…that is not to say IMO that you cannot have an R – just make sure you know where YOU are when you decide to move forward. If you goal is to save your M…well then you cannot have your cake and eat it too. If you goal is to save yourself…well then you decide when the right time for a new R is. You and only you decide. Not I nor anyone else here…just you. Having said this….know what you want first…know who you are first…get to know yourself…then IMO….everything falls into place.
Finally, I personally would not respond to the text. That’s just me.
God Bless, Eric
"The difficulties of Life are intended to make us BETTER,not bitter". "Fear is a prison, where you are the jailer. FREE YOURSELF!" "Life is usually all about how you handle Plan B." - Jack3Beans
I started up a relationship with someone right after my H and I decided to D. I am in the slow process of trying to end it. I feel terrible for getting myself involved...I know I am going to hurt this guy. It was a big mistake- people on here tried to warn me..but I didn't listen. It was a very nice distraction from all of this. I realize that I just craved that attention from someone else..the need to feel wanted after feeling so rejected. I didn't realize how much I needed to be alone until I took a vacation a couple of weeks back. It really gave me a chance to think about my life, what I need, and what I want. All of this doesn't involve being with another man.
Not your marriage.
: )
If you want to be married...
uhhhh
Slow down or stop the divorce. Stop talking about it, stop telling him to bring you the papers.
You are asking questions about the difference between the MLC and the WAH.
There are commonalities. In so much that your husband has left.
As a WAH once, I was very clear. I was NOT crazy...any more so than normal, I knew what I wanted and I didn't give her any hope or say nice things to be confused later. That may sound mean...maybe it was. I didn't want her holding onto hope for years...I did not hate her.
Agreed about the text, no question...so a simple ok if you are 'ok' with it.
Experience is a brutal teacher, but you learn. My God, do you learn. - C.S. Lewis
Life is usually all about how you handle Plan B. - Jack3Beans
Listen without defending; Speak without offending - FaithinAK
IMO, if you hope to ever rebuild your M, or even have a civil R with your H after D, you may want to reconsider your stance on this. Insisting on exposing his adultery seems a bit revengeful to me, and it may turn what would otherwise be a civil D into an ugly public battle. That may not be in your long-term best interest.
I really gave this a lot of thought over the past months. I have considered filing differently. I never really thought about it as a way of exposing his adultery- I was told the papers were public documents but in order for anyone to view these documents- someone would actually have to go to the court house and request them. They aren't something that can be found on-line or in the newspaper. I was thinking- who the hell is going to care enough to request our divorce papers from the court house?
I have also felt that throughout our M...my H was always able to talk me into doing what he wanted. He knew he could manipulate me. I feel like if I go back on this...he got me again. I know it may sound strange..but I feel like I am showing strength by sticking to my word. This is something I wanted. Last night, when he told me he couldn't get adultery papers- it is just another attempt at him to manipulate me. I know it is WAY too late..but I guess I need the final decision in our M to be my decision.
I also figured it WOULD Definitely be revengeful if I actually had him served papers...or had OW served papers...especially at work as some of my dearest friends have suggested. ; ) I am not interested in that...although I cannot say that I didn't entertain that idea several months back!!! ; ) But I am over that. I just want to hand him the papers for him to sign and I want those papers to say the truth.
Fortunately we have split everything already...and without children involved...I don't anticipate this getting ugly.
Regarding a R with my H going forward...I never imagined that I would be divorcing him...to think that I cannot have him part of my life going forward is awful to me. I have been struggling with whether or not I can have him part of my life and I have come to the conclusion that it is not possible. I am still working on forgiving him...I have come to realize that offering forgiveness to someone is not the same thing as continuing the R. I think in some situations, especially mine- I just need to break the bond as much as it hurts.
but I feel like I am showing strength by sticking to my word.
Yes you are showing him your strength by this. So...now...consider what you say going forward. Do not commit to anything that YOU do not feel comfortable with. Do not commit to anything with an expecation of a response from him.
Quote:
I know it is WAY too late
Do you? Has the fat lady sang yet?
Quote:
but I guess I need the final decision in our M to be my decision
The decision to end your legal M is really up to either of you. The ecision to end your emotional M is up to YOU.
Quote:
and I have come to the conclusion that it is not possible.
You will be surprise at what is possible when you love unconditionally. IMO the bigger question you should be asking is WHO DO YOU REALLY Want to be. Do you want to be angry? Probably not so then....
Quote:
working on forgiving him
This ^^^^ must be done.
The decision to remain in some sort of R is up to you. What I can tell you is this....whatever you decide do it with no regrets. Don't do anything while you are hurt...while you are pissed...whatever you do...try as much as possible to do it in LOVE. I don't know about you but that is who I want to be.
Stay strong Lolawar...stay strong...stop looking at the M...stop looking at him and start looking at YOU...
God Bless, Eric
"The difficulties of Life are intended to make us BETTER,not bitter". "Fear is a prison, where you are the jailer. FREE YOURSELF!" "Life is usually all about how you handle Plan B." - Jack3Beans
