You're on the part of the roller coaster that occasionally lunges into a curve or zooms through an unexpected bounce. But it sounds like you've moved past the bottemless drops. You have a better handle on those and so they diminish. As you continue with your coping skills the rest of the swishes and sways will continue to fade, so hang in there.
Your WH is not the only victim of PSTD. If that is part of his problem, it has become part of your problem. It is not a singular wound for him alone to proclaim. As for him serving his country, don't ever let him think you didn't hold up your end or support him every step of the way. That is more than any OW can come in a claim.
Not only are you within your rights to explore every option, and understand every fact regarding settlement options, we would be sad if you didn't. GAL includes taking control of all things that affect your current situation or future outcomes. If he is in a big hurry to make a deal, he should get in line for a game show.
But you asked for suggestions. So I would say that when you meet the military folks on Friday, get a sense of whether they seem biased in defense of WH or not. If they seem open and honest as they should be, see if they think you should be talking to a L or would recommend one with experience in fair settlements of military benefits.
If they seem defensive or biased on behalf of a veteran, then just take good notes on all they have to say, names and numbers included, then thank them for all their help ... on your way out to locate a L.
If you do find yourself interviewing Ls for free, ask about their experience working with military benefit settlements. You don't need to be teaching a L new tricks on your dime. You've been through enough and still have a better life to be lived. You need someone to help keep things simple and handle all of WH's concerns ... right after your own.
Take care, enjoy your family, and keep living your best life.
Thanks everyone! I am so glad I have learned to stop, listen, give it time and reflect on his comments. It is obvious that he is worried about what or how much I will get. He actually started the conversation off by asking me if I would like to have his GI Bill benefits to go back to college. I immediately knew there was something up.
He even threw the comment at me " You already said you wouldn't take my ass back". Nice to have him on the worrying end for a change.
Okay. I met with the Veteran's Svc. Rep. this a.m. He didn't really have a lot to offer me other than sympathy, but he did make me look at Wh concurrent disability and retirement in a new perspective. I have to make the settlement agreement with him before we go to court as to maintainence obtained from the 100% Disability. It's not that it can't be divided, its that the Dod will not interfere in that respect. So, this leaves me back at square one, coming to an agreeable settlement with husband, even though I don't want a divorce.
Secondly, he is not retired yet, and can't be until doctor releases him from his last surgery, so I have to come up with an agreement that works for NOW and LATER. Thirdly, there is the house to sell, which he does not want, and I do not want, so we are stuck till we sell it.
I believe the call on Wednesday was a panic call, and am inclined to let him sweat a bit longer. Wait for the next phone call from him.
Difficult in that I do't want him back, not like he is, but I do still love him a lot. I'm not at a point where I am forced to come to a settlement agreement yet, but it feels like a defeat to have to contemplate it.
Almost forgot to add all the good things! Went with a friend to Fort Smith ( closest large city ; 2nd largest city in Arkansas to all you yankees) Took care of a little business, did some shopping. Came home, found a puppy, and took it to my two grandsons. THEN, called and verified that I am "20/20/20" meaning I will will get to keep my insurance and all commissary rights if and when we are divorced. Babysitting tonight ( what's new) but that's what Grandma's are for. And it's only Friday!
ME: 54 Him: 51 M: 20 years T: 21 years OW/New wife: 36 Sons & Daughters: 7 (ages 24-36) Bomb: March 4, 2010 He Filed: April 28, 2010 I Contested: May 1, 2010 Standing Down: 11/24/10 Divorced : 05/04/2011
Here I am near midnight. The last three or four nights, I go to sleep just fine, without pharmaceutical aides, but then wake up having had vivid dreams of my husband. Not nightmares, exactly, just disturbing. As I start to wake, I'll hear him clear his throat or move next to me, very strange feelings.
Some kind of Freudian Freak-out I suppose.
My last few days have been very good. Mowed, friends stopped by, saw my grands. It's just the nights that are bugging me. My subconscious doing a number in my head. Anyone else have this problem? I notice quite a few of us are night owls.
I think what we try so hard to put out of our minds during the day comes back to visit us at night. We try to control those thoughts when we're awake and they will not be denied during sleep.
For months after the bomb I was running on between 3 and 4 hours of sleep a night. I'd go to sleep without assistance, then snap awake after a few hours. There was no going back to sleep as I couldn't stop my mind from thinking. My sleep pattern is a lot more normal now, although now and then I'll wake after a few hours and not go back to sleep.
I didn't have a lot of dreams about my H, but when I did they were vivid. I don't dream much of him now.
I didn't hear him so to speak, but maybe that's because I still have sons in the house who sound like and have a lot of H's mannerisms. Sometimes I still think it's H walking into the house.
The more used to the situation I got I found I was more able to deal with the sitch instead of just reacting to it. I was able to process things and clear things up and start putting them into perspective.
I'm trying to approach each day being the best I can be. Some days I do better than others, but the effort is there.
Punkin, the way I figure it is if our H's don't return, it's their loss. We're going to be just fine! (I wrote something for you on my thread.)
Oh yes, one other little tidbit my husband dropped on his phone call last week. Why didn't I just get a Sugar Daddy? I bit off the end of my tongue, and because of the blood was unable to respond. However, should we come to a settlement agreement, in which I plan to take 1/2 his ass, I do plan to respond "Will that leave her enough Sugar, Daddy?"
So today I get a letter from my lawyer forwarded by his lawyer, which is in response to the letter my lawyer sent on May 25th. In it he claims that I am keeping his passport, birth certificate, and social security cards from him. He's never asked for them, and I DON"T HAVE HIS PASSPORT. He also claims to be making the payment on my truck, which has been paid for x 3 years. When he called last week, he said he could not change the phone or satellite because it had not been in his name. His lawyer's letter says he refuses to pay them. Also, get this "He will be seeking reimbursement of some or all of these expenditures in the divorce." On my part time job. Uh Huh.
So here's my plans Kimosabe - I have an appt. on Thursday afternoon with my shark,er, sorry, lawyer in which I will propose he write a letter to Wh lawyer stating that fact that I have not agreed to a divorce, am not at this time seeking settlement, and had, in fact been instrumental in his being sent for a Mental Health Exam, having medically documented PTSD. Said exam was sent to Ft. Sill, and they referred him for psychological studies, which he has so far not done. I'm only buying time until November 16th, after which I will receive full insurance benefits for life. I know he is very unlikely to 'come out of the fog' before then.
Should I throw in my desire for court ordered marriage counseling??
