I can't say whether your H is coming around. He does seem very confused and inconsistent. Remember that in these situations feelings and emotions can shift regularly.
If you have time you can search the Archives for posts by Strong Marvellous Woman. Her husband was often away from home (may have been in the Navy, but can't recall).
What do you want? Is it your desire to work towards reconcilation? Have you found out or is there anyway to find out if he is involved in an affair? Have you been responding to any of his e-mails?
Distance is not ncessarily a bad thing. True, it makes it harder in the sense that your H cannot see any changes you are making in yourself. But it also gives you both a breathing space to think things through.
Those are my comments. I am sorry that they are not more concrete. Just quickly wanted to let you know that you are not alone.
I am not sure how mush you have been posting since I have been away from the Board but a good way to get responses is to post on other's threads and become part of a support group. I am sure you'll be getting more responses soon.
In any event, a lot more people lurk and read than post.
You got my attention with that other thread. I'm not sure that I can help you, but I think it is good that he seems to be missing you and having second thoughts while in Iraq. I would say that you should stay in a holding pattern during his deployment. You could make him jealous by saying that you are wondering if you should date while he is gone since he wants a divorce anyway. I mean, if you want to go that route.
The other thing you could do is to try to get him to go to a Retrouvaille weekend with you when he comes back. Here is the website,www.helpourmarriage.org. The weekends are great for helping couples learn to communicate better. With better communication, you have a better marriage. It's amazing how well it works. But, of course, you can't do anything more than try to get a commitment from him to go at this point.
It sounds like there was another woman. She may not have been able to sit out the dating scene and wait for him. So if she dumped him, then he most likely would start talking nicer to you.
I'm not sure if this would help, but I'll share with you my experience
While I was physically separated from my H for 3 months, I initiated contact with H almost everyday, as I felt it is important to let him know i love him and is there with him. I felt that my H was having a MLC since he was going to give up on our M for a married woman.
While physically apart, I made sure we skyped regularly and even agreed to do stuff for H on skype to arouse him. I thought these were good for our M and to reassure him of my love.
2 months into the separation I came back on H's suggestion for a weekend. We had sex on the first night and on the 2nd night, he told me he had started to see the OW, the reason he wanted a separation in the first place, and that there is no chance of us reconciling. I cried for a whole week after that.
I've finally decided to let go knowing that i've done all I can for our M and. I learning to accept that I can't control H's decision but I can control how I would react to it. It is for my best benefit to let go and look after myself. I've no felt this peaceful for the last 6 mths.
And do tell your friends and family about your sitch so they can support you. I realised how valuable friends are and i'm surrounding myself with them and it is doing me a tonne of good.
Like i said, i'm not sure if this is helpful for you. But I would like you to know that many of us here have gone through what you're going through. And there is always a light at the end of the tunnel.
M 39 H 41 T9 M6 EA found Dec 09 Separated Apr to Jun 10 Currently in house separation
Hi Sdoll, sorry you weren't getting responses. Sometimes people who can't relate to the sitch don't bother reading or offering advice. That was my reason for not responding, but then I read through your whole thread and...RED FLAGS from your H's emails!
There must be an OW, I'm sorry to say. What do you think about that? What do you know?
me,34 exH,34 S,16 months S:3/31/09-left for OW started DBing 10/09 d final: sometime 10/10 current: http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2022856&page=1 met in 2004
You are in my thoughts. I am hearing a lot of the same things that my F is doing in your post. ( being in charge of the communication and saying one things then doing another, ping-ponging) What my F seems to be doing is trying to only play with the ball in his court so it has been very hard to stay strong. But every time we do communicate I look forward to knowing that I stayed strong and kept up with the DR steps suggested.
I know it is hard but every time you communicate try to sound as confident and busy as you can so you sound (and will eventually) independent and strong.
Stay in there i know I am, I really trust in my feelings and my devotion so I continue to remind myself that I know him and he knows me and it wasn't always bad!
Warm thoughts to you!
Me:25 fiance :29 about to be 30 in Sept. together: 7.5 years situation: separated 2.5 months
Do not get discouraged I have made post and have had minimal responses as well but there are A LOT of people on here. In times of need we feel desperate for answers we ourselves do not have and it can make you fell kinda crazy and lost searching for anyone to listen and make you feel better. Take into consideration that it is a holiday weekend and others on here are probably tryring to GAL to deal with their situations. I know when my H first started this not to long ago I was devistated and I was on this site for hours just to read and gain strength. Interact with others on their threads it helps. There is alot of good information on here. Focus on yourself, as hard as it is you have to take care of yourself. As for your H it is impossible to analyze what is going on in his head it really is. I know what he is saying sucks and you don't understand or want to accept it but if you want any chance of getting your marriage back you have to take care of you first so you are ok either way it goes. Is that harsh yes, but dispite what he is going through you will survive. Question is in the end whatever the out come do you want to be happy again?? Don't lose hope your really are not alone. Your situation my be different but having a marraige falling apart...well everyone on here can relate to that pain.
Chin up remember I'm out here in cyper space checking in on you!Take care and love yourself:)
M37 H30 D1 S18 (previous relationship) M 1yr Bomb 6/25/10
I keep reminding myself I am strong even if I don't feel it. I know from my past this is true. I might just get a tattoo to remind me.
Not sure how to respond anymore because there is really nothing more I can do to change my situation.
Stop thinking like that. Want more help then look for solutions and talk about things you are doing that are productive.
Agree with your H - "I don't want you to be with me for the wrong reasons either. Thanks for getting me on Skype it's helped me reconnect with some old friends."
Do you have a FB account? Start updating your status about all the things you doing in your life. GAL.
how are you using this time to better yourself? How will you thrive thru this?
he is watching you.
M22,H45,W45 S21/18D12 Retain faith that you will prevail in the end, regardless of the difficulties and at the same time confront the most brutal facts of your current reality, whatever they might be.
Question is in the end whatever the out come do you want to be happy again??
I want to be happy albeit with my H I prefer. Knowing that there is nothing I can do to change his perspective is killing me.
I have been attempting to work on me for the last couple of months. I still see my IC once a week, I am on anti-depressants, I try to go out at least once a week with a girlfriend (sometimes difficult as they all have children). I just signed up as a volunteer for the Navy. I am also thinking about getting a certification to teach an exercise dance class. I am trying to keep myself busy, but this weekend has been challenging here in the house (trying to get long delayed housework done).
Originally Posted By: kara
What do you want? Is it your desire to work towards reconcilation? Have you found out or is there anyway to find out if he is involved in an affair? Have you been responding to any of his e-mails?
It is my desire to work towards reconciliation, but he has to willing and right now, he is not - says he is still confused.
Originally Posted By: Coach
Agree with your H - "I don't want you to be with me for the wrong reasons either. Thanks for getting me on Skype it's helped me reconnect with some old friends." .....he is watching you.
If I agree with my H, he will say that then he was right because I agreed. I have not been on the defense for quite some time with him when we do speak. He called me today via Skyp$. Short conversation, but he did use some endearing terms; but keep asking me that if I ever need anything, that I should email him. Then he seems in a rush to hang up because he does not want to hear me say anything nice.
I wonder if it is his guilt. Yes, there was (not sure if there still is) an OW. He started sharing all of his issues with our marriage with her last summer. While he claims that it was never physical, I have always wondered if he did and that is most diffcult thing for me to swallow - that he slept with her!
I will try to continue to work on me. I will say that I am concerned about the possibility of him speaking to the OW while he is deployed and listening to his guy friend who doesn't believe in counseling and just continues to tell my H that he should do what makes him happy. We all know that this is a bunch of crock! Sorry to vent. Thank you for listening.
Last edited by ShellDoll; 07/05/1006:19 PM.
Me 41/H 49 M 12yrs No Kids Bomb 1/10/2010 H Deployed The three great essentials to achieve anything worth while are, first, hard work; second, stick-to-itiveness; third, common sense. T. Edison
Well, I was a little annoyed today. My H forwards me a message that he sent to his colleagues, friends, and associates today. It contained his address where he can receive mail, he asked for them to send phottos and told them all how much he missed them... ARGHH! I hate this. I feel so ignored, never once did he give me his contact information or told me that he missed me since he left. But 2 weeks ago, he that reconciliation was appealing and missed having "someone" who cared so deeply for him in his life.
The OW, I am sure was on the email (even though he says he NEVER slept with her). He then followed the email with a call to me at work. He was all nice and kind. We talked about me job and then he lets me know that he really wants to find new work hen he returns, and that WE can see about this when he returns home next year.
I didn't let him hear my frustration and disappointment. I was kind and spoke with concern. Not sure if he was listening......
Me 41/H 49 M 12yrs No Kids Bomb 1/10/2010 H Deployed The three great essentials to achieve anything worth while are, first, hard work; second, stick-to-itiveness; third, common sense. T. Edison
