I kind of felt that it was a guilt thing. He seems to want to be redeem by doing good things or to relieve his guilt by doing something that says to himself, "I took care of her and the house..."
I actually have a good job and am able to take care of myself withour support from my H. It was something he says he was so attracted to when our R became serious. It is really ironic that his A with the OW was because she NEEDED HIM. I thought guys ran from that?
Not much has occurred between my H and I over the last couple of days. Trying to detach and focus on me.
Me 41/H 49 M 12yrs No Kids Bomb 1/10/2010 H Deployed The three great essentials to achieve anything worth while are, first, hard work; second, stick-to-itiveness; third, common sense. T. Edison
Having a rough time this morning. Thinking so much about my H and I and what got us here. My anniversary is coming up next week and I spinning. Not sure what to do. I had a visit with my IC last night. Evceryone tells me to keep busy, but it is hard, when I am here at home. Don't have any single friends.
Me 41/H 49 M 12yrs No Kids Bomb 1/10/2010 H Deployed The three great essentials to achieve anything worth while are, first, hard work; second, stick-to-itiveness; third, common sense. T. Edison
Having a rough time this morning. Thinking so much about my H and I and what got us here. My anniversary is coming up next week and I spinning. Not sure what to do. I had a visit with my IC last night. Evceryone tells me to keep busy, but it is hard, when I am here at home. Don't have any single friends.
It gets easier, but I know what you mean. Just when you think you're ready to move on, sometimes part of it comes flooding back. The good news, I think, is that if you put more time into focusing on yourself and other things than you do on this, then you don't feel sad or angry very often.
M-47,W-40,No kids D-filed 5/27/2010 Piecing - 10/21/2010 -=Soon to be banned=-
My H just called and I lost it....I asked him if he would think about trying. He got quiet and asked why he always pulls away and he said that it is not where he thinks we are headed and that is why he pulls away.
I am so hurt. We went from arguing to his leaving and eventually deployment with nothing in between. He says he prefers to talk about this tomorrow because he was tired and it is already after 10 pm where he is.
All I can do is cry. it is over, at least that what he believes...Nothing I can do...
What do I do?
Me 41/H 49 M 12yrs No Kids Bomb 1/10/2010 H Deployed The three great essentials to achieve anything worth while are, first, hard work; second, stick-to-itiveness; third, common sense. T. Edison
All I can do is cry. it is over, at least that what he believes...Nothing I can do...
What do I do?
Next time he calls either don't take the call or agree with him that thins aren't working out. You don't want to fight for your M if he is determined to leave. It won't work.
M-47,W-40,No kids D-filed 5/27/2010 Piecing - 10/21/2010 -=Soon to be banned=-
Me 41/H 49 M 12yrs No Kids Bomb 1/10/2010 H Deployed The three great essentials to achieve anything worth while are, first, hard work; second, stick-to-itiveness; third, common sense. T. Edison
No, I am telling you that chasing him while he is running away from you is like saying "I don't care what you feel" and invalidating what he is saying to you, and he will probably just become more determined to end the M.
I have no idea if your M is over. It might be. It might not be.
Pursuing him isn't going to save your M however, so take the focus off of him and set about making YOU happy on your own.
If you are going to talk to him, then either agree with him or say that you don't think you can stay in a M with somebody who doesn't want you either and you have some thinking to do, I guess.
And then don't discuss anymore R stuff.
Last edited by TimeHeals; 07/10/1007:50 PM.
M-47,W-40,No kids D-filed 5/27/2010 Piecing - 10/21/2010 -=Soon to be banned=-
TH - Thank you. I know it is impossible for anyone on the boards to tell me if my M will survive. For a long time, I was careless in my my treatment of the M. While I was always caring, I did complain about my job and the frustrations I faced everyday, bring this home on many occasions. My H was a very laid back guy who just liked to have fun, and he said I brought him down. He said, after a while, I didn't make him feel good about himself, because I myself was depressed.
I always thought that no matter what words I spoke or said, even complaining about something other than my spouse/relationship, that my H would ALWAYS be there. Well, I was wrong.
Over the last 2 to 3 years, just began slipping away from the relationship and after our 2 week cruise (which was in his mind our last attempt - I did not know), he made up his mind that he wanted to separate. He felt very unappreciated at work, didn't have but one friend and here was this women (the OW) that was offering a different kind of attention. Not sure about how you all feel about this, but I believe the OW was just the first person My H let himself connect with, and if you did that with a lot of people, you'd find a lot of joy in life and wouldn't feel the need to "be with" any particular woman.
I know that I am too concerned about who he is communicating with. I need to stop and continue to look to me. What possibilities exist in rebuilding a new relationship with my H nce he returns home?
I am also very concerned that he able to file for D (even while deployed) in January 2011 (1 year separation required and his time overseas counts toward separation). It's strange how the Sailors/Soldiers Act for potection against being suing is not applicable to spouses of the soldiers/sailors overseas. It is only applicable to soldiers and sailors overseas - so my H can sue me for D while he is deployed but I cannot do the same (as advised by my L), even though that is not what I want to ever do.
Geezz.....Any response?
Me 41/H 49 M 12yrs No Kids Bomb 1/10/2010 H Deployed The three great essentials to achieve anything worth while are, first, hard work; second, stick-to-itiveness; third, common sense. T. Edison
Well, if there is an OW involved, did you do anything to bust the affair? Is the OW married?
IMO, you have a tough road here. One to make yourself a happy, confident person (which got way more complicated when your M started falling apart), and you need to bust this A if you can.
Chasing your H isn't going to do it. What can you tell us about this OW?
M-47,W-40,No kids D-filed 5/27/2010 Piecing - 10/21/2010 -=Soon to be banned=-
OW is not married. She worked for him. She is 40, lives in a nearby city, has a 17 yr old son who just got out of a juvenile detention facility. He told me initially when I found out that she was just af friend, someon he could talk to and she was experiencing issues with finding a permanent place to live as her son was coming home and the judge told her that before he could be released, she needed to find a permanent home (apparently she moved a lot).
My H told he just wanted to help. But I was dealing at the time with repressed memories of childhood sexual abuse. I was so angry because here I needed him and he wanted to help her find a place to live.
I found email messages (on his BB) between H and the OW that were inappropriate for a supervisor/worker relationship. I confronted him an told him that I was going to contact his boss because these tantalizing emails were being exchanged ona government email server. THIS IS BIG NO NO for anyone who works in the Fed Government. I told him that he could lose his job and so could she.
He began to cry and asked me how I could do that to anyone? That he and she could lose their jobs but that we would feel obligated to take of her!! WTF!!!
I was so angry... this lead to many sleepless nights up to his leaving our home.
He had several issues (and I did too dealing with my childhood abuse - where I just recently told my Mother):
1) Prideful/Successful man who transitioned into job where he had no previous skill set - became a poor performer (after being on top for years) 2) Turning 50 old soon 3) Very little friends - really only 1 friend (had a desire to seek more male relationships) 4) Gained 25 lbs. Blamed me and my cooking for this.... 5) Wanted to exercise, but blamed me because I didn't want to run all the time with him 6) Lost interest in his hobbies - stopped the carpentry work, yard work, - felt he needed more and reinvested in golfing more... (with the OW) 7) Doubted/doubts that I would have ever been interested in anything fun he wanted to pursue - But never gave me the chance because he NEVER tolk to me about this concerns with how he was feeling - (But he talked/shared with OW)
Last edited by ShellDoll; 07/11/1001:25 PM.
Me 41/H 49 M 12yrs No Kids Bomb 1/10/2010 H Deployed The three great essentials to achieve anything worth while are, first, hard work; second, stick-to-itiveness; third, common sense. T. Edison
