I have been floating around for several months. I went from newcomers to surviving but have decided to post over here in the MLC area...as suggested by Mach1 and TrueGrit. Here is my story in a nutshell.
With H for 10 years- 5 years married..no children. Suspected an A in May 2008...secretary at his office..she has two children, two different fathers, never married, 2nd affair with a married man in his office.
Confirmed A in May 2009. Begged for forgiveness and I was willing to. Confirmed A still going on in November 2009. We physically separated in Jan 2010 and decided to D in April.
H has always been very moody. Grandmother was bi-polar. He went to IC 2x and the therapist told him he lacked empathy. Before A- H always had wild mood swings...could be verbally abusive..when he was in one of his moods. H became very verbally and emotional abusive once A began and continued this behavior throughout our separation.
Signs of MLC: - grew his hair long (partner at a law firm- out of character) - wanted to join the peace corps, then wanted to learn Arabic - A with a woman he probably wouldn't even talk to - For a period of time- H stopped talking to his mother and sister - Wasn't communicating with any friends - Speeding ticket for 4 points (he was very by the book)
Reasons he gave for his A... - I got "not sure I was ever attracted to you...but it was easy having sex with you because you are a pretty girl" ..you can fake that for 10 years??? - Our dogs would bark too much..the puppy wasn't trained yet - I didn't put him on a pedestal and he was used to being treated that way - Our bathroom remodeling project took too long and he felt emasculated because my brothers were doing the work
To date, no papers have been filed. I believe H is still seeing OW. I just finished refinancing our home under my name only. H is still in the process of moving his stuff out. He left behind almost all of the furniture, electronics, and appliances. My H is supposed to be getting me the D papers but still hasn't provided them to me yet..although I have asked for them several times.
After my refinance..my H has been treating me much better. I don't speak to him much anymore..but when he has been over picking up stuff- he has asked me if I need him to do anything or if he could help. This is a far cry from where he was two months ago..where I was getting threatening emails, strange text messages, being accused of odd things....it is almost like he "snapped" out of it....occassional emails of 'I'm sorry- you never deserved this'...'I feel lousy'. H is asking a lot of questions when I see him. I am very civil to him but don't think I can be friends with him so I keep that distance between us.
I, for the most part, feel much better than I have in the past few months. I definitely still have my moments with all of this. I have been killing myself trying to understand 'why this happened?'. I have been seeing an IC. My friends on DB have encouraged me to stop asking those questions and focus on myself. As many of us know...this is so difficult to do- especially after making someone your primary focus for so many years.
OP will be around shortly with some reading material for you. I can stress how important it is to read this. Focus on detachment.
Over here on the MLC board you will find some great people - great. You may be surprise to here this and may not feel it right now....but you will be fine. You will get thru this regardless of the outcome.
For now...just breath..
Quote:
My friends on DB have encouraged me to stop asking those questions and focus on myself.
I would agree....now is really the time to focus on you. So please let me know what you are doing for yourself that does not involve your H or you trying to fix your H or you thinking all the time about your H...get my drift.
God Bless, Eric
"The difficulties of Life are intended to make us BETTER,not bitter". "Fear is a prison, where you are the jailer. FREE YOURSELF!" "Life is usually all about how you handle Plan B." - Jack3Beans
Thank you everyone. I am sorry all of you are here as well.
I have been trying to focus on myself by: - spending more time with my friends and family (something that I didn't do as much as I should have while married) - going to IC..my confidence has been shaken quite a bit from all of this. I am also trying to understand how I allowed my H to treat me the way he did for so long. I let him chisel me down for many years. - I am doing alot of yardwork (partially by default)- but this is something I have always enjoyed doing. I would join my H in doing this stuff but I am now taking care of it all by myself. I like being outside more than I realized. - I am making sure that I am eating right. I lost quite a bit of weight the past 6 months and now making eating a priority...making myself a priority - I am not allowing my H to manipulate me anymore...unfortunately more by avoidance than anything else - I am allowing myself to bawl when I feel I need to...I wasn't doing that very much during the past 6 months. Everything that was going on was so painful..I just tried to pretend that it wasn't happening..or I would talk myself out of it
I started up a relationship with someone right after my H and I decided to D. I am in the slow process of trying to end it. I feel terrible for getting myself involved...I know I am going to hurt this guy. It was a big mistake- people on here tried to warn me..but I didn't listen. It was a very nice distraction from all of this. I realize that I just craved that attention from someone else..the need to feel wanted after feeling so rejected. I didn't realize how much I needed to be alone until I took a vacation a couple of weeks back. It really gave me a chance to think about my life, what I need, and what I want. All of this doesn't involve being with another man.
H is on his way over here right now to pick up more of his stuff. Whenever he comes here..I get so anxious. All those days and nights of walking on eggshells..the feelings of not knowing what was going to happen when he walked thru that door..how he was going to treat me..what he was going to say. I hate this feeling...and I hate that it is still here even though he hasn't lived here in 6 months.
I'm glad you decided to post here, there is a lot to be gained by following the advice you will get from here.
Amazing people on this board.
I don't know whether your H is in MLC or suffering from something more drastic. In the end it won't matter at all. This really is all about you.
I think you have a good start.
And I agree with jack about ending it. Even my friends IRL don't understand the philosophies of DB. There is no way any man who wants to be a priority in my life (which would only be fair in a R, I know) would understand why this is going so slowly, or why my heart is still hurting, or why I don't relish talking about how much I hate my H.
Or even why I *don't* hate my H. How I *can't* hate my H.
These aren't things that people who haven't walked this walk can understand. Ever.
He will be okay.
Your focus needs to be on you.
formerly known as "shelbel" Me 40, stbxh 40 DSs 9, 7 & 3 M9, T10 Stbxh is a diagnosed bipolar & an addict. The end.
Now you have all the tools to read. Let us know how your doing and if you have any questions.
I suggest that you read the entire thread in the resources. You can also pick out some people and read their whole story.
Remember that in the stages of MLC it does NOT go 1,2,3,4,5,6 but can get all mixed up and repeat itself and have more than one stage at once. Depression is the key to the whole thing and it is always present!
Lets not worry about her. Lets work on you! Start your homework assignments. GAL. Detach. Use the time that your W has given you as a gift to start to work on yourself. ________________________
Thank you again everyone. It feels so great to have so much support. I don't discuss what is/has been going on with many people...without walking in our shoes- they have no way of truly understanding our stages of anger, grief, sadness, acceptance...and any other emotion under the sun.
I will read those articles tonight. I have read the detachment article on Livestrong several times. It is one of my favorites.
I haven't called my H at all in several months. I have texted back and forth a bit just to see when he is coming for stuff..financial stuff that we just finished separating..and trying to figure out where these divorce papers are..although I think I have a good idea now. I don't ask my H any questions about how he is doing, where he is living...etc. I don't respond when he tells me he is sorry or feeling lousy.
My H just left..moody H. H who just left my basement a wreck after grabbing more of his stuff. H who left his garbage on my clean floors. H who didn't even say goodbye to the dogs that were staring at him for his attention and affection. He was cold.
I asked him again about the divorce papers. He is telling me that he cannot find them online and he hasn't been able to get them from anyone he knows...which I find crazy since he is an attorney for 15 years. H told me he could get me uncontested divorce papers..but cannot get me papers for adultery. I told him that was unacceptable.
I have always told him that I wanted to file as adultery. I would not have him served. I would not have OW served. I will mail him the papers and he can hand the OW the copy. I am not looking to embarress him...but I do want my divorce papers to state the truth. He is against this. I think I may just get a lawyer to send the papers because I feel like he is dragging this on..it has been 3 months of waiting.
He has been moving his stuff out for several weeks. He still left here today without all of his stuff...and he said he cannot come back this week to grab anymore- he will have to come back again next week. Ughh.
I believe his niceness to me was not really to be nice- he wanted me to re-think filing adultery on our divorce papers. That makes me sad that his niceness is so conditional...but I have known this about him for quite some time.
I didn't raise my voice at all...I didn't feel like I was going to cry (like some other times he came here to grab some stuff) but I did stare directly at him when we were discussing the divorce papers. He didn't yell but had that cold look in his eyes....and he left with that attitude. I don't know why...but I still find it so strange that we are less than strangers now. He has been this way for quite some time. I have just seen some "positive" signs from him lately which made me think- my old H is back. He isn't back...and this is why I cannot be friends with him.
