Nope, it's NOT my imagination. WH IS dragging his feet going into work these days. It's 10:30a here and he JUST left - about 1.5 hours later than normal.
Larry said this would happen. The more time he spends away from work, the more he's trying to avoid OW. That hollering I heard from her the other day did NOT sit well! Too bad, so sad.
I've always handled the checkbook, and he never asked questions, not for 20+ years. After the last exposure, he stopped having his check direct deposited into the household account. Now I must ask him for money to run the house and show him all the bills and credit card statements. He wants access to EVERYTHING. It's driving me crazy, especially since this is so damn one-sided. He wants me to account for every penny, yet he can spend every evening working late and I'm not supposed to ask questions?
Testing? Control? Getting ready to abscond with all the cash and leave me high and dry?
Originally Posted By: luvless
This is EXACTLY what happened to me - my STBX did the same thing. I filed on his disgusting a**!!
It IS a pain, but guess what? He's no longer accusing me of burning through his paycheck with wild spending sprees - unless paying the mortgage and buying groceries is "wild." If anything, it just added to his stress load, seeing how little he can buy on a professor's salary. If he'd gone into industry instead of staying in academia, he'd be making 10x more...
Nope, it's NOT my imagination. WH IS dragging his feet going into work these days. It's 10:30a here and he JUST left - about 1.5 hours later than normal.
Larry said this would happen. The more time he spends away from work, the more he's trying to avoid OW. That hollering I heard from her the other day did NOT sit well! Too bad, so sad.
LOL!
Yeah - maybe he's seeing life with her isn't one big bowl of cherries that makes him feel 25 again! Darn. So sad! ha ha
Quick question SR... If you could go back the three years when this all started how would you handle it? I can't imagine you woudl do things the same way... Three years is a LONG time to have to fight for a marriage... And yes I do think more exposure would ahve put a fan on this sooner, but I am not there, I have to give you credit for your efforts...
I know you had done some exposure early on... And no i don't count sending an anonymous video of OW driving your H home and parking around the corner exposure... That's an indelicate way of telling OW you KNOW what she's doing... But its not exposure no...
I can understand the uni is a huge organization and a mine field of politics to deal with...
I am just wondering if you would have been more aggressive early on if you knew then what you know now?
If I had to do it all over again, knowing what I know now, I would have:
1. Asked him to get rid of her and given him a time line for her to be gone. I would not have been intimate with him again unless he complied.
If he didn't comply, I would have continued to keep him at a distance but also:
2. Taken his office keys, gone to his office, gone through all his drawers and found the evidence of the Victoria's Secret items, flowers, candies, etc., he sent her.
3. Logged on to his University reimbursement accounts and printed off all "business dinner" receipts he had with OW that were reimbursed by the University.
4. Printed off the 90 days worth' of 24/7 text messages, averaging 1,000 per month back and forth.
5. Made an appointment with the Dept. Chair.
6. Taken ALL the evidence with me to that meeting, shown it all to the Chair, and told him I wanted OW removed from WH mentorship immediately since WH refused to do it.
7. Threaten to expand my exposure to the graduate affairs committee, the student oversight committee, etc., if it was not addressed ASAP.
WH would have been blindsided, OW would have been asked to leave, and we'd be in recovery right now.
Instead, I was hurt, confused, angry, etc., allowed it drag on and on, eroding our marriage and giving OW power and leverage she neither needs nor deserves.
In short, if I had acted more quickly and forcefully THEN, I wouldn't be here now. <Sigh>
Hindsight is 20/20 my dear.. I had to deal with an affair in my home that ran 2+ years too... and MOST of that two years could have been avoided like you by my being more aggressive and more educated about affair busting beforehand... But I didn't even find MWD for the first four months.. It takes a month at least to learn all of this and another month to get into practice...
Poor Ken on this forum's been fighting for a year now and he's just getting it now...
Affairs just blindside the LBS... its sad... no one prepares you to deal wtih this crap...
Good plan though.. i must admit... I think that would have saved you at least two years.. it may have taken a while to get OW gone, but ya she would have been gone sooner if you and I were both better prepared for this nonsense...
Things have definitely cooled between WH and OW. He worked less than 2 hours on Sat, none on Sunday, and after spending part of the day with me and the kids at my sister's, about 2.5 on Monday. Yesterday he worked 10:30-8:30, which is like half a day in his world. At the height of the affair, he was gone 7 days a week, often from 6:30a-1am.
I've been doing the 180 + Larry's course for nearly 3 months, detaching, spending little time with him, etc. It's done us both a world of good. WH does a little pursuing off and on, but not a lot. He has not brought up any R talks, and he's still sleeping in the basement.
So my question is this:
Do I continue to remain distant and wait for him to come to me? Do I spend more time with him little by little? What should my next steps be?
Larry said that when he's ready, he'll come to me. But I'm trying to get a feel for how long that's gonna be, because now that I can see a light at the end of the tunnel, I want it NOW.
If you are still on Larry's program then follow his advice and wait for him to come to you...
you really have to decide which program you are on... the ones offered here or larry's... you can't mix them up or you will likley not get the results you want
