Just heard back from Larry by email, and as he reminded me again, the marriage we had is dead. Over. Kaput. There is NO going back to "normal," because it doesn't exist any more. We don't have an emotional connection; we have a living arrangement.
So my mission, should I choose to accept it, is to start a new relationship with him. To treat him like a new guy at work that I'm attracted to. A little flirting, a few off-color comments - the things you do in a new relationship that make it fun and playful, casting the line to see if he'll bite. Not pursuing exactly (that's WH's job)...more like that friendly neighbor over the fence stopping to chat now instead of just waving.
Larry gave me a list of things to do, some WAY more suggestive than I'm used to, but they would definitely catch WH's attention, lol! There's lots of role playing. As I've got the role of the scullery maid mother of three down pat, I can now advance to the part of the flirtatous, mysterious MILF, whom he catches sight of on occasion, looks forward to seeing again, and eventually decides to pursue.
Actually, it sounds fun. I remember watching a Match.com ad not long ago and thinking, "What would it be like to start over and date someone new?" I think I may get to find out...with my WH! Nothing like re-kindling those love endorphines between US!
Gotta go strategize!
Red..I'm intrigued..what kinds of things are you going to do to flirt, etc. What things did Larry suggest? I'm new to forums in general so I don't know how to look up the list Larry gave you. I am pretty much in the same boat as you. I saw your user name on Tulsa Time's thread. I was interested in what he had to say too.
I think that you get better results with honey, rather than vinegar. So, instead of ignoring my H, I think I'll flirt a little and not sure what else? It's been so long since I've had a new relationship with someone, it might take me awhile to remember what to do. There was one user who I read about in the archives that mentioned she pretended like her H was her new boyfriend and said it was pretty fun. As you mentioned, our Hs and not the same people as they were and neither are we. But that's not a bad thing.
I've been working one-on-one with Larry Biolotta at StopYourDivorcein4Weeks.com, so you wouldn't find his list on a forum. Also, since I paid for the advice, I don't think it would be fair to Larry to give all the details here.
I've been following your thread and wanted to say I am rooting for you! I add you to my prayers every night.
You have so much patience. There really isn't much DB'ing I can do on my sitch since drugs are involved but I like to read up on other people's sitches and truly think you will prevail in the end.
Good luck!
M:27 H: 33 M:10/07 T:9 yrs H moves away for drug recovery: 3/2010 ILYBINILWY & wants D:5/02/10 Confirmed OW:5/21 Told MIL:5/25(only concerned about H's recovery) Told FIL:5/28(will speak to him)
so, Red..how does this fit in with all the "detach" stuff? I'm getting so confused. Some people say to just ignore them, some say to act like their new girlfriend, some say to go on with your life like they don't exist..not sure what it is I need to do. My H has been home for 3 months after living with a family member for 4 months and still seeing the OW. Says he broke it off with OW first part of April (a week b4 he moved back home), started going thru the withdrawal process from her, then she contacted him via text end of April and they have been in contact sporadically ever since. he says he hasn't seen her as she lives in another state now. Supposedly she is dating and moving on with her life. I don't get why he continues to hang on to her then. We are civil to each other, no intimacy, just like friends or roommates. I hate it. But it is better than when he didn't live here..in most respects, anyway.
Any suggestions besides the ones you posted in the links?(which I am going to read right now).
I just posted on your thread in the MLC forum. Look at what I suggested there and hold on to the advice I gave here earlier until you're further along in the process.
I've been following your thread and wanted to say I am rooting for you! I add you to my prayers every night.
You have so much patience. There really isn't much DB'ing I can do on my sitch since drugs are involved but I like to read up on other people's sitches and truly think you will prevail in the end.
Good luck!
That's SO sweet! Thanks papayachic! I'm rooting for me too!
Made WH VERY late for a morning meeting this am by flirting for about 20 minutes.
He had a monthly work-related outreach program commitment last night, and since he didn't get home until after 10, I didn't see him at all last night.
He made up for it by stumbling into my office around 6 am (I've been working since 5), up for a 7 am meeting. We chatted about how hot it was yesterday (100 degrees!), and how to keep our 80+ year old house cool with no central a/c. As I gave him my undivided attention, I tried some of the body language techniques I learned from an ebook I bought awhile ago at SensualitySecrets.com. He kept looking me over from head to toe as he rattled on and on...and on. I nearly died laughing! By the end of the conversation, he was complaining about how hot it is in the basement at night (he likes to sleep in arctic temps). I smiled but said nothing.
Later, after he'd showered and went upstairs to change, he came back down to the kitchen and said, "Man it feels good upstairs!" and I looked him straight in the eye and said, "It IS nice!" in a low, throaty voice. He looked me over again in that cocky manner of his - a look I haven't seen in so long I'd almost forgotten he had it - and opened his mouth to say something. I cut him off and said (as I was scooping salad into a container for him for lunch), "What DO you do to make these tomatoes taste so good?" Then I popped a cherry tomato in my mouth. He stared a me for a second and then went to the back door to look at the garden. "It's the soil. Next year we're going to have to replentish it in both gardens."
He went to the basement after that to get his stuff and I went back to my office. He stopped by on his way out to tell me to have a nice day.
So, what did I learn this morning?
*He doesn't want to be in the basement any more (mentioned it twice) *He's planning on being here next year *He's open to flirtation
Let's see if that translates into any texts or calls from him today...lol!
It was fun - but I'm going to meter it out bit by bit so he doesn't get any ideas of cake walking. He has LOTS of hoops he needs to jump through before we can fully reconcile - including getting rid of OW - but now that I'm about 90% sure that relationship is on its last leg, I wanted to give him a glimpse of what's still possible between US.
My biggest reason for doing this now instead of later is that I was starting to see some signs of MAJOR depression, which is a big problem in his family (lots of Rx to combat). I'm not interested in jeapardizing his health to prove my point. If he can't work, we're all in trouble.
It was fun - but I'm going to meter it out bit by bit so he doesn't get any ideas of cake walking. He has LOTS of hoops he needs to jump through before we can fully reconcile - including getting rid of OW - but now that I'm about 90% sure that relationship is on its last leg, I wanted to give him a glimpse of what's still possible between US.
My biggest reason for doing this now instead of later is that I was starting to see some signs of MAJOR depression, which is a big problem in his family (lots of Rx to combat). I'm not interested in jeapardizing his health to prove my point. If he can't work, we're all in trouble.
We'll see how it all pans out --
That sounds like a plan. You don't want to go into pursuing mode by overdoing it, but he needs to get a glimpse of the spectacular SR! Make him guess and what the heck is up!
Last night when H got home, I was wearing my top unbuttoned fairly low and a new necklace that kind of showed it off (as well as a good push up bra, lol). I noticed how he kept looking throughout dinner! I didn't flirt - just acted like it was normal and what I'd worn around town all day. Of course, I would never actually do that - it was buttoned more conservatively as I ran my errands - but he didn't need to know that!
