Lola you set a boundary way back when that if he did not break it off with other woman you would file as adultery.
Sort of...I didn't give him an ultimatum about breaking it off with OW...after d-day #1 and H begged for forgiveness- I told him that if he betrayed my trust again..I would file for D on the grounds of adultery.
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What is the purpose now?
I think the original purpose of this was to protect myself from further hurt. The purpose now...is to follow thru on my word. I think this is more for myself than anything else.
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What does Lola gain from fighting this battle?
I think I am saying- "you cannot bully me any longer". "my wants matter" "I will no longer be manipulated by you"
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Who IS Lola?
Still trying to figure that out
Regarding the other questions...I am thinking about it.
The decision to remain in some sort of R is up to you. What I can tell you is this....whatever you decide do it with no regrets. Don't do anything while you are hurt...while you are pissed...whatever you do...try as much as possible to do it in LOVE. I don't know about you but that is who I want to be.
I think my decision to not stay in a R with him is for self preservation. I don't trust myself with him... I do still love him. I think I will always love him. But I do not love the same way as he does. I am not saying that I always treated him well..and I was perfect. With that being said..when my H was in a mood..or if we fought- he always hit below the belt...he was never able to see past his hurt and his pain. He didn't care about the pain he was inflicting on others. I tried for a long time to understand him. We were so different in this regard. I am not saying I am not capable of inflicting hurt on others..but when I do- I genuinely feel terrible about it..I feel empathy..it hurts me- which ultimately deters me from doing it very often. In most circumstances..I am able to take pause- and really think about how my unsaid words will impact someone else..or how my future actions will make someone feel. He lacked that. I think deep down inside he always felt there was something wrong with him in this regard..there were some times (very few) that I sensed his disappointment with himself. I don't think he really liked who he was. He just couldn't help it. That is why I stayed..that is why I continued to love him.
I hate that at times...I stooped to his level. I know that was not who I was. I knew better. This is something I want to change about myself. I wasn't that person..but I allowed myself to become that person.
There is a fine line between loving unconditionally...and being taken advantage of. During the separation..and even until this day..my friends have said "Lola- you are being taken advantage of...he is manipulating you..you are a doormat"...I kind of have to believe that.
So at what point do you have to stop loving someone/something that doesn't return the love? Sometimes loving unconditionally without it being reciprocated leads to a lack of respect...which is a fundamental element in every relationship.
So at what point do you have to stop loving someone/something that doesn't return the love? Sometimes loving unconditionally without it being reciprocated leads to a lack of respect...which is a fundamental element in every relationship.
More importantly, with habitual drug abuse, physical abuse, or... cheating... when do cross the line from being empathetic to becoming an enabler?
You can care about somebody and realize that if you keep being there for them, you are only enabling them.
It's alright to love somebody, not like what they are doing and deciding not to enable their behavior by being there for them anymore, and then letting them go so they can figure it out on their own... which is what they really need to do sometimes.
M-47,W-40,No kids D-filed 5/27/2010 Piecing - 10/21/2010 -=Soon to be banned=-
During the separation..and even until this day..my friends have said "Lola- you are being taken advantage of...he is manipulating you..you are a doormat"...I kind of have to believe that.
You are only a doormat if you believe yourself to be one.
So if you believe it...
If you believe what people tell you, you will always be beholden to that...
You will always be at the whim of someone telling you who or what you are.
Originally Posted By: Lola
There is a fine line between loving unconditionally...and being taken advantage of.
Oh it may seem so.
And other people may tell you it is so.
Until you walk this path and learn they are as far away as if you walked completely around the earth.
Once you embark on this journey to find YOU. It will take you as long as that or as short as when the night turns into day.
When you find yourself, not H, not any of your well wishing friends calling you a doormat, not ANYONE can touch YOU.
You will find that YOU control your own self respect and your dignity.
And unconditional love is no more affected by anyone you choose to give it to, because there is no sacrifice in it...
It is given without expectation.
And therein lies the paradox,
Love (unconditional) has the most value when it is given away for nothing.
And your Dignity can only be taken from you when you let others define it for you by their actions.
Lola on this journey you find the most amazing things...
My goal is to some day be the person my dog thinks I am
You are still giving him power to affect you and make you feel all those things up ^^^^^^^^ there.
OUCH!!
Not for Lola... but, you know, for ME!!
That more than stings, Grit.
Must. Determine. Why.
I was going to post something today about wondering when H will stop doing things to intentionally hurt me.
I guess right ^^there^^ is my answer.
When I stop letting him.
Dayum...you guys are good!
Okay Miss Lola (and forgive my deep seated urge to put a feather in your hair)-- I came here and thought some of the same things about my H that you do about yours.
~That I'd tried so long to help him. To stand by him. To help him. To make things better/easier on him.
~I only wanted what was best for him.
~I loved him soooo much, I couldn't stand to see him hurt.
I could go on, but I don't need to.
In the end I realized that even though I was *helping* him with the best of intentions...I was still controlling him. I was still trying to *fix* him.
And fixing/rescuing/saving--even when done in the name of love-- is still a form of control.
That was a huge shock to the system. I had been so proud of myself that I was taking care of everything & giving H the opportunity to go to school. It took me a while to realize that I was merely positioning him in a place where he'd be so reliant on me that I'd have to save him.
It wasn't altruistic. I was selfish. *I* got something out of it. *I* got something out of being the martyr. And it wasn't love and respect and gratitude from my H. Nosireebob.
I can't blame him... I played a huge part in the demise of my marriage. And it took some time to see that *helping* isn't always helpful.
It really is time to be a little selfish right now. A LOT selfish right now. And I'm going to say it--focus on you. I know you are probably getting tired of hearing it, but we all say it for one reason only...
It is. The. Only. Way.
I swear to you this.
Do not for a moment think that you need to protect him, or help him, or even glance back at him. He got through law school...he will be just fine on his own two little feet.
Turn that pretty little head of yours around & look at the path in front of you. Don't look to see if he is following you. Don't even try to determine if he's contemplating following you. It doesn't matter.
This is all about you.
As for standing for your M, well honey, that is going to be up to you. Only you will know when you've had enough. Only you will know when you have done enough.
But thinking about your M isn't even on the agenda right now.
This is all about Lola.
And her feather in her hair.
formerly known as "shelbel" Me 40, stbxh 40 DSs 9, 7 & 3 M9, T10 Stbxh is a diagnosed bipolar & an addict. The end.
It wasn't altruistic. I was selfish. *I* got something out of it. *I* got something out of being the martyr. And it wasn't love and respect and gratitude from my H. Nosireebob
.
I can relate. I think some of the time it was altruistic...but I think you are right- it made ME feel good to do those things. I never thought of it as a control thing...but perhaps you are right. I need to chew on that for awhile.
What was it that you got in return from your H?
Grit- as always...I need to sit with your posts. Read. Reread. think. Reread. think. Reread.
