D4MIL- I'm sorry support is thin lately. I've been to your thread before but it was awhile ago. Will try to get back over. I agree with you, there's still that good person underneath. But they're behaving badly right now, not treating us right, thinking only of themselves. I still love, but am not liking too much what I see from spouse these days...
P4M- thank you. I do have a plan, just can't be detailed about it here in this thread, which is what I'm struggling with. I did sleep, today was much better and taking action of various kinds helped a lot. Feeling 180 degrees differently than last night, and it's my own doing, not in reaction to spouse.
I'd like to glean some wisdom from you guys on a few things. I definitely don't want to turn this thread into a "recommendations" list- these are for me personally to make my vague thread more useful to me :-).
1. What is the best advice you wish you'd gotten when you were earlier in the process (pre-filing, early stages, maybe still living together but trying to plan ahead)? Kid involved.
2. If you moved out and have kid(s), did you get a temporary support order before doing that? If you did, did you set it up with spouse or through Ls? If you're further on, did it form the basis for the permanent order? If you didn't get one, do you wish you had b/c it would've helped you argue for the permanent order? Doesn't matter where you live, I'm just gathering info for now
3. Other than The Good Divorce and the Sandcastles book I've heard good things about, what other books (or websites) addressing how to help your kids through this and co-parenting do you recommend?
4. Do you know of any books/websites that make custody/visitation arrangement recommendations based on children's ages (and hopefully have the credentials and/or data to back that up)?
5. If you were an LBS but you eventually took action yourself after waiting through limbo for awhile, what was it that prompted you to act- what did you wait for or say "ah, this is it, the final straw, the definitive sign. I'm not holding out hope anymore b/c NOW it's clear there's no future" or something happened that made it clear to you that even though this whole D thing wasn't your choice, that you yourself would move it along, even if you were just trying a Gucci approach to get their attention. I know everyone's sitch is different, but I'm interested in some stories here.
Hi, looks like vague is in vogue . Kidding aside, I don't really know your sitch, but wish you well.
Sorry to hear that you are struggling somewhat. I'm not anywhere near the D train now, got the M going in the opposite direction a long time back. However, having gone through what many of us are / did, the one thing you learn not to do is take anything for granted any more. You would have seen so much, both the utterly beautiful and the amazingly ugly, parts of people, in yourself, your spouse, the people in your life, the people here on the forum, you just know better than to try to predict even your own feelings / actions.
I'm not speaking for everyone here but I would say advice one would have appreciated would be pretty much what is advised here mostly. I certainly wish I was here a lot earlier in my sitch, before the begging, pleading, and doormat-hood took on epic proportions. Thankfully, I managed to claw out of that somehow.
I wish I knew earlier what dropping the rope was, and that I HAD to do it. I wish I knew better than to try and talk my WAW into feeling what I thought she SHOULD feel, about me, about OM, about our life together. I wish I knew better than to try to talk ME into what I should be feeling about the whole sitch.
I wish I dealt better, and earlier, with the devastation of it being made clear that W might try to hang on for the kids, as a sacrifice of her own happiness, that I was nothing, and OM everything.
That was my breaking point, or rather, realisation of a breaking point. It wasn't that anything dramatic happened, but one day just like that, I just decided "Heck, why AM I taking this crap?". I deserved better, and I was through with convincing her that I was the better option or more deserving of her love. I was deserving of MY love. It wasn't that I turned off the hurt and the pain like a faucet, it was still there. Yet it was all different too.
Before that, I could sound noble talking about focusing on my kids. Well, after the "bolt", I truly focused on the kids, and truly for who they are, and not just as lifelines to my W and the M. I accepted that she could indeed have a perfect right to be happy, a clear, unbiased acceptance that also accepted that I did not need to be ecstatic about her choices but that it was Ok. I stopped trying to convince her otherwise because I really lost the motivation to do so.
And really, I think if you wanna "go Gucci", you gotta do it as a step into living a life without the WAS. As an acknowledgement that it may be painful and *ahem* vague, but this is a tentative yet fun start into a potential new life. Doing it to get attention or while hoping for a response from the WAS is plain wrong. It'll come across as wrong / desperate to the WAS, and it'll sure take the fun out of it for you.
Sorry for rambling
Me 42 W 39 Married: 11 Jan 1998, T: Since 1992 First Bomb: Sep 2007 Confirmed A/OM: 4 Nov 2007 Kids: D10, S5 Reconciled and together again after (alot of) time and heartbreak. 3rd kid, S, born 2 Jan 2010.
Hi everyone. I like this thread. Today's a hard day for me, and it's great to spend time with people who know exactly how you feel. I also wish I hadn't done all the pleading and hsysteria... I was so shocked to find myself in 'limbo' because the bomb came in the context of an international move, and in the 2nd trimester of a planned pregnancy. I am convinced my WH is scared of becoming a father, but he says he doesn't love me anymore after 15 years, and loves OW. Telling him otherwise hasn't worked. He's moving back to live with her on the other side of the world. Today our baby is just 6 weeks old. I am also losing the motivation to keep telling him how 'wrong' his decision is...only because I am tired, not because I don't beleive it. I just don't know how someone can walk out on a wife who has very little idea anything is wrong, when I've moved countries and am living out of a suitcase, and pregnant after fertility treatment? It's very easy for me to be 'right'..but as someone said, do you want to be right or do you want to save your marriage? I know I am scared of moving forward as a first time mother, without my best friend by my side. I don't know who I am. Except maybe for my values. I am still having trouble dropping the rope. sorry for the ramble... nikita, how old is your child?
Me 36; H 40 baby born in May M:13, T:15 Bomb (OW): Dec 09 began DBing: Feb WH overseas with OW old: http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2027369#Post2027369
Deep: You said: "I accepted that she could indeed have a perfect right to be happy, a clear, unbiased acceptance that also accepted that I did not need to be ecstatic about her choices but that it was Ok." It sounds like you got to a much more peaceful place - I'm not there yet, but nor was I where you were either- with sitch or behavior.
Luckily, I found the book and this site before the bomb dropped b/c I started sensing something was coming. From Day 1 I DB'd and have done a good job, I think. GAL comes easily to me and I'm not doing it to get his attention, just to keep sane and have fun, also get out of the house away from H. The persuading I did do was done in MC mostly, before bomb. I stopped the day he asked for a D. Have gotten several comments from him that I seem unemotional about everything- not true, but I show the DB face. I'm about to the point of truly saying "why am I taking this", esp with the escalating behavior.
Everything I'm focused on now is planning for a life on my own. I don't know if that means I'm done or not, just planning b/c it looks like it's coming. I won't try to persuade at all and will grieve in private. The one thing that makes me nervous is that, although I've been clear - verbally, writing- that this is not what I want, I don't know if my lack of extreme emotional reaction tells him instead that I could care less about him- that's something I've struggled with a lot. What message am I sending? I fear it's that I don't care and the reaction is and will continue to be: well, I guess she doesn't want me either, so I'm free to go. Any thoughts on that would be very welcome.
Btw, how do you define "dropping the rope", Deep? Do you mean not arguing and pleading with them, or just letting go of your attachment to the R in general?
Originally Posted By: Piano
I also wish I hadn't done all the pleading and hsysteria... I was so shocked to find myself in 'limbo' because the bomb came in the context of an international move, and in the 2nd trimester of a planned pregnancy. ... I am also losing the motivation to keep telling him how 'wrong' his decision is...only because I am tired, not because I don't beleive it. ...nikita, how old is your child?
(((Piano))) I can't begin to imagine the pain and grief you're going through. "In another life" I read some of your thread, though you won't see my name there. My H was the one who really wanted a baby but has re-written history to say otherwise- boggling. Let's say child is around 4. Vague, I know. Sorry. Are you in the alt? I can say more there to clarify. Co-parenting has been a major issue for me since the birth. Being a single parent is HARD, though. Not looking forward to it and I have one who's a pretty good dad.
Piano- I'll try to drop in on your thread, but since you're already here- I hope you have a strong in person support system to lean on and to help you, my dear. That first year- as you're already learning- is hard. No one tells you that. It's easy for me to say that a man like him doesn't deserve the privilege of you or raising a child- that he is the lowest of the low and you're better off without him. But that's without me having loved him as you have and known him in better days when you planned a future and family together. (((Piano)))
NB, i can so related to how you've handled things. i had a feeling the bomb was coming and when it did, i was almost numb. he was an emotional wreck but i was numb and ready to get it over with.
for some reason, i think my db face and not showing any emotion when he goes on a temper tantrum has made things worse.
on the nights when i made plans and came home late, my h would be hostile the next morning and start pushing for separation and divorce.
now that we've separated and i didn't need him to help me with anything, i don't know if i'm sending him the message that i don't need him so maybe we are better off apart.
i still love my h .. i don't know how or why but i do. maybe it's the compassion that i'm feeling. but i also don't want to sit around and wait for him to file. i am seriously contemplating filing myself and serving him with what he wanted.
Nikita, thankyou for the hugs and your tact. We did know better days and I was looking forward to even better ones. I am sorry ur H is rewriting history - my WH also wanted the child more tham me. But she's a blessing, and I have excellent family support to be grateful for. I am glad your H is at least a good dad. As for your question, I think if you have said it, and written it, then it's OK to not say it again. Be proud you haven't reacted with extreme emotion... it's never a good thing. Yes I'm on the alt...how do I find u?
Wow, this vague (by necessity) thing makes it really hard to get targeted advice... Didn't realize it would be this hard. I'm tired, long day of apartment hunting and trying not to think about what's actually happening, which I'm getting good at during times I don't need to be distracted. Compartmentalizing.
A friend asked me a question that was very pointed today:
"If your child was not involved...would you still want to be married to this man? That's a very important question [that] you need to answer honestly for yourself. Being a mother adds major layers of guilt, duty, etc to the sitch. But first you need clarity of what the marriage is to you aside from the parenting components."
Here was my answer to friend:
here's my honest answer. I loved him and we had fun together. He was my best friend for many years. His personality- up until a year or so ago- was great for me as a partner (balanced out things about me that tend to extreme, made me see the world differently, in a good way). We shared so many interests and I easily saw us raising a family and growing old together. Life was good, not perfect, but good. He was kind, funny, fun and a great lover. I want all that, still do. If he were to go back to how he was, particularly before child, and I could rid myself of the anger and resentment (and he could too) that has built up in the years since then, yes, I'd want him. I would need to do some things differently- and so would he (which I wouldn't bet on him doing, though...)- to keep from getting to this place again. But I don't believe that it would be any harder than any other R- I'm not under the illusion that there's some easier R out there with a man who's got less baggage. What makes it harder now is the build up of negative feelings and things that can't be undone, plus a negative communication pattern. Parenting issues, too, but you asked about w/out kids.
And it's SO hard to answer your question and separate kid out of the equation AND how he's behaved the past 4-6 months. Interestingly, a lot of the worst behavior has been POST-bomb... Now that I've seen him at his worst and have his answer: that he doesn't intend to do anything radically different in our R... if that's true, no, I wouldn't be happy with him. There, I said it. The tough thing is that what if.... What if he woke up and realized he's losing me and returned to that first guy? I know him at his best too, and that unperfect best is good enough for me- it really was. But I don't know if he'd ever be at that best again with me. So how do you separate out whether you want them when you don't know which H you'd potentially have-? if I can only answer for the present, sadly, no, I can't be happy going on like things are today if nothing changes. So confusing. And sad.
Someone said on here somewhere that you have to separate personality from character. Your H might have a great personality, but is he a good character temporarilily doing shitty things, or is this his true character coming through? I just though I'd chuck that in there...hope it makes sense... and gives you something to ponder.... Sleep well (((Nikita))).
