Telling anyone who would listen he great he was & how bad I was.
Ummm... lots of abusive fights. In front of our kids. On both of our parts.
All of that anger, tied up with a big bow of confusion.
Not the gift I felt I deserved for being such a good wife.
ha.
I don't condone the way he treated me. I don't think any of it was okay. But I sure understand why he did it.
At least now I do.
And I will never do that to any man again. Any one, really.
Hard lessons learned.
You know...I think I'll post an entry from my thread in newcomers when I was over there. It was one of my first light bulb moments. Little did I know that the lightbulb moments would soon come to look like a strobe light going off in my head. lol
I'll put it in my thread. Link in my siggie.
formerly known as "shelbel" Me 40, stbxh 40 DSs 9, 7 & 3 M9, T10 Stbxh is a diagnosed bipolar & an addict. The end.
More importantly, with habitual drug abuse, physical abuse, or... cheating... when do cross the line from being empathetic to becoming an enabler?
I always questioned myself as being an enabler. My father is an alcoholic- I have watched my mother in the "enabler" role all my life. She has also always played the nurturing part. I am not sure I have ever learned the clear difference between the two.
And of course, I picked it right up...What does that say about me?
There were some interesting musings on this thread since yesterday...
Some stuff that I have actually been throwing around in my tiny little Polish, blond, female brain...(picking on myself, LOL)
The talk about people hurting us with intention.
I have come to the conclusion, although it isn't the first time, it is the first time I have had to apply it to my new life and not my past...
Most of the time, it is all in OUR perception...
People do things, say things, that hurt. That is a part of life. We can't always go around being all huggy, fru fru, kisses and joy, although we have tried it here on these boards some days, because that is not really the way the world works.
We are all individuals and we all look at the same situations differently. Because of that, how we feel about things, people, words, and how we react to those things is different from how someone else is going to.
Different fundamentally, men and women really are wired a bit differently, so sometimes how women view things, it NOT how men view things, and the woman is NOT just being a Beotch and the man is NOT just being an Asshat. There are just some things that we will never view in the same way. It is the whole hunter/gatherer thing that modern society has tried to run away from.
We are also different based on our individual experiences. Our experiences mold us into who we are, and until we grow, understand, mature and make our own choices about how those experiences are going to affect us, they simply affect us.
Yes there are people out there who intentionally do things, knowing that they are going to be wreaking havoc and pain on others, rapists, murders, and the like...
But those people are in the minority. So to wonder when our H's (or W's) are going to stop doing things to intentionally hurt us, is wrong. Step back, look at the situation. You see possible outcomes and might make one choice, while your S sees the other possible outcomes (or even the same ones) and makes another choice. One that they feel is best for them.
It isn't about intention. Usually. Putting ourselves into that thought pattern, allows us to play the victim role. We might not even realize it but it does. It is the whole, woe is me, he is so cruel thing.
Seeing it as the best choice for the other person, even if it may not be the one that you would make, is allowing that person the freedom to live and be who they need to be. At whatever point in their emotional development they are in.
The only choice we have in the matter, especially if something does cause us pain, is to decide if the choices of the other person affect us in such a way that we are unable to have that person around us anymore or not.
Possibly setting a boundary that is for you, that protects you and your heart. Possibly understanding the action is not meant to cause you any harm (and you really have to look at the harm you THINK you are experiencing in order to do this), and accepting the situation for what it really is.
With my particular dilemma, I considered the upsetting action, recognized my feelings about it and where I believe they really are coming from (this has been an internal struggle for several months), have tried to understand some things about it from a very logical standpoint, looked at my options for how I wanted to handle it, and have made my decision about how I believe I want this to look for me. We will see down the road if I have effectively processed all of it, but I can tell you that I don't feel so stuck in that place of "why" anymore.
Have a nice day ladies (oh and you too Grit )
"Acceptance doesn't mean resignation. It means understanding that something is what it is and there's got to be a way through it."--Michael J. Fox
Seeing it as the best choice for the other person, even if it may not be the one that you would make, is allowing that person the freedom to live and be who they need to be. At whatever point in their emotional development they are in.
<standing, hands clapping>
That IS IT.....
So this
Originally Posted By: cat
The only choice we have in the matter, especially if something does cause us pain, is to decide if the choices of the other person affect us in such a way that we are unable to have that person around us anymore or not.
Is up to you.
And the idea is to decide this when you haved reached the point where you are not doing it out of anger.
RATHER
Understanding and compassion.
The answer here is not indifference.
It is easy to detach from an A$$hole (nickel Mach)
The path to our salvation is to do it with love and compassion.
Then you are truly free...
My goal is to some day be the person my dog thinks I am
Thank you. I find it amazaing that even at the stage that i am at, your insight still challenges me to dig deeper. Thank you.
Lolawar - pls read Cat's post...then read it again. Let it sink in.
Eric
"The difficulties of Life are intended to make us BETTER,not bitter". "Fear is a prison, where you are the jailer. FREE YOURSELF!" "Life is usually all about how you handle Plan B." - Jack3Beans
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