Does anyone ever have the out of body experience of being blamed for everything, including your spouse having to leave you (huh?), blamed of things you haven't even done-- YET-- but are likely to do, knowing your "character", etc? Treated like a leper in their own house despite having maintained a pretty good, friendly attitude? Again, I'm self- aware enough to know this is their anger turned outward, justifying their actions that have no good reason behind them, so one has to be made up, but... Sometimes it's just hard, you know?
Hey NB -
When you think back to the good times - the knowing glances, the finishing each other's sentences, the cuddles in bed - it just doesn't compute that the person you knew SO WELL then...is suddenly a complete stranger NOW.
You could tell at a glance when they were stressed or not feeling well. Now you have no idea what's going on. You used to know what brand of mayo or toilet tissue they preferred. Now you don't know anything.
It's the complete non-sequitur; someone you thought you knew as well as yourself is suddenly MIA. The same body and face is walking around, but the person within in a complete unknown.
THAT's the hardest part.
As I told IC, I want MY husband back - not the OW marionette that's walking around my house these days. Thinking of him now as HER creation - a puppet being jerked around at her whim - makes it much, much easier to detach...
I know exactly what you are talking about. Like a demon or monster has possessed your best friend. You have to forgive them when they come back but do you truely ever forget the way they became? I dont think so. It is usually takes a couple of times of breaking up or big fights and getting back together before it just ends. The person that went on vacations with you who professed that they would aways love you, that they couldn't live without you, that you were your soulmate, made for together-that person could care less, they want a new life that doesn't include you. It is strange, the person you used to lean on when times were down and the one that you told your deepest secrets to is not there. It is painful. When you need them the most they are gone. Yes, i know the feeling. Friends say go find another but it is not the same. it is hard not to feel lonelyness and dispare. Some may say this in codependant-MY wife is not coming back, she is married, she diliked me so badly, or really we broke up and had these get back togethers so many times that she married someone just because she knew that we would get back together again and she didn't want to go through it again. It was to hurtful for her. She barely knew the guy but she would rather give up our fighting and getting back, our life then give it one more chance. I know what if feels like to have someone else under the skin of the one you love. Someone that you just look at and say how can you be saying these things and doing this me. I am suppose to be the one that you love, the father of your kids, your support, and they turn to someone else. Yes, that is what is so hard for the LBer. It truely is sad because I believe that most LBers would change and want to do what is right if they would just give the chance. I am sorry that you are going through this because I know the feelings that you have and sweety it is not good.
That is why these posts help me so much. I lean on these other people here. They tell me when i am being stupid, when i am making a good plan and just let me speak my mind. This site is saving my sanity. Thanks people for letting me air my grief. It really has helped.
Nikita, sometimes you sound just like my wife. I dont mean that as a cut even though I am presently very unhappy with her. I hope that your M works out in the way that makes your life the best and happiest.
that is very interesting, Piano. His character is good- very high. His personality lately sucks. I don't know the exact difference between those, though. Maybe I've got it backwards. I feel like I'm showing my true character through this- high, with lots of integrity. But I know H has that too, he's just choosing to act differently right now... or maybe the way he's acting is evidence of his character, I don't know.
SR- it's just mind-boggling, isn't it. I am very thankful there is no OW in my case, but in a way that might almost make more sense (but would be 100x more painful). The "alien possession" thing that the book talks about is true in my house. Most of my H's great personality - at least towards me- is gone. He shows it to everyone else- he's even nicer to my BFF than me when she comes over. And she has a hard time holding her tongue. It's a little humiliating to be ignored and then someone else walks in the door and the inner him shines through. As soon as that 3rd person leaves, I get the alien back... And all the people in my life are treating him still with respect- partly b/c they know he's a good person deep down, but also out of respect for me and my child. It would feel better temporarily to have them all hate him openly, but it won't help in the long run, I know.
Piano- re: alt. If you feel comfortable posting your alt user name here, I'll find you. Otherwise, you could send a PM in the alt to someone like StupidRomeo or flowmom or Hope4Luv if you've got them and ask them to send me your user name there, then I'll friend you. sorry to be so nebulous, I've got a good reason.
So, one of my big issues right now is trying to figure out when to move out. Can't share all details, but it will have to be me who finds an apartment. We have lived in our own house, so sadly (like a lot of you I'm sure), my kid won't have a yard anymore, and we'll be in a tiny not-so-great apartment. I will have little to nothing in the way of $ support from H so have to be careful to get something I know I can easily afford. We have pets which are making that harder to find- I can't imagine either not seeing them regularly or having to go to H's house to see them, so it would be nice to find an apt that takes them (very hard to find) - even if I do, they won't have a yard, either...
But I can't decide the timing. There's a hard stop in several months by which I have to be moved out that has nothing to do with D (sorry, can't explain- I know, it's annoying). And no, I cannot make H move out, he will keep and live in the house. I not only couldn't afford the house, but technically it's his.
Living together now is for $ reasons and for our child to not shake things up too much yet, and also b/c I don't have a fully-formed plan. Financially, it makes a lot of sense. But emotionally, it's getting harder each week. I can tough it out, and we don't fight openly or anything- child is too young to notice anything yet. But it's the daily jabs and passive-aggressiveness that's getting to me. Also, I feel like there should be a temporary agreement in place re: $ and custody for me to go.
So, please help me out guys:
- if you moved out and kids are involved, did you agree on a temporary custody arrangement before you went? Did it form the basis of the permanent one? I just don't want to shoot myself in the foot by establishing something that may not work in the long-run. I've heard that legally, it's hard to change something that's established like that. - same question for temporary support- I *might* get a little child support, that's it. Do I ask for it now or will I still be able to get it later, even though I'll have been living on my own without it by then?
And, if anyone can help with these- here's some pros and cons to the moving now:
PROS for moving now - I'll be doing it on my own schedule and be able to take my time moving, etc. if I start now, rather than hitting that hard stop. - I'll be out of H's daily interactions - I'm afraid if I don't move on one of the apts I found(not so great, but one of few that takes the pets) now, it will be gone in a month or two. - child will have a pool for rest of summer and hanging out at a pool is also a good way to make new friends for her and me before the fall sets in
CONS - I'm not 100% sure what rent I can afford, esp depending on how much of child's daycare I have to pay. I'm working on figuring this out, but it's very complicated. - I'll suddenly have no regular free childcare (I'm actually very lucky in that I get to go out pretty regularly to do stuff for me, and although it's a little like pulling teeth, H will stay home with child when I do- moving out makes that a lot harder). - will shake up child sooner than we need to - no custody, support, pet custody decided yet, and these may be hard to negotiate now, particularly any child support- H will balk and become nasty, I think. - Hence, I probably won't have my child more than 50% of the time, which won't be good for me or my child. I don't think my child can go w/out seeing me fore more than a day. - even though it's what he wants, H will probably be pissed if I go now - I don't need him meaner and more vindictive, we still have to negotiate. - won't have A/C except in the living room, which right now is a problem. I'm home all day and don't tolerate the heat well. - I have no furniture- this is hard to explain. In a few months, I'll have access to some that's now in storage, but most of it is too big for an apt. I have no bed, dresser, desk, etc. so would have to buy all of that before moving. - if I wait a little longer til I know more if I'll get any child support, it might open up some more possibilities in terms of what I can afford. - I'll have to start paying a lot more with a new rent, sooner, when I could be saving money or paying off debt. - I am very sure that I will be obsessed with H's whereabouts and who he'd with if I couldn't keep an eye on him. There's no OW, I'm pretty sure, but my imagination runs wild already (with no proof of anything- I'm just like that) and I see him everyday. - I'm afraid it will "cement" the D process. No one has filed yet, but if I go, he may think that I'm 100% done and I'm not sure I want to send that message....
Looks like there are more cons, but a lot of them are going to be true no matter when I move. It's a question of whether life will be better or worse if I do it now and how much sooner, or for how much longer. Several friends are urging me to move out b/c they see how the interactions with H are affecting me daily, but it just seems like there are a lot of reasons not to do that before I have to...
Btw, I have an IC and discuss all this with that person regularly. I'm not in any danger, but it's getting me down a lot of days to live with him...
Thank you so much for your message to me. It mean's so much to me. It was insightful, helpful and just down right nice. I need people like you. You are a super friend even though we have never met. I wish you the very best in your life and I pray for you daily. Thank You. You were the only one that responded. The only one that helped. And what you said was great. I truely am trying to listen to you. Thank you so much. The world has become a disaster zone. I don't know what I have done, or what is going on, up is down and down is up. It is strange, a new world, one I don't like or even care to be in but I am here and I have to deal with it. If I have to be here it helps to have someone like you to show me some reasoning. Thank you again. Jeff
