lolawar, From what I have read, if childhood issues then they MLC. I never cheated either. 2nd,3rd marriages because if in MLC they marry another alien and when they take off their masks, they implode. They never found the way back from the mothership. If they can face themselves, from what I can understand, they can break free of its grip. Which leaves the other one left to look for another alien and rinse and repeat.
Which leaves the other one left to look for another alien and rinse and repeat.
Do you mean we will seek out another S with the same qualities?
There isn't a sure way of figuring all of this out...obviously. I could meet a new man...a clone of my H..and he could be OK.
I grew up with an alcoholic father....Someone may have married a girl with an alcoholic father...and that woman had a MLC- Affairs etc. You could marry me..and have a completely different experience.
I know I am searching for answers that don't exist. It is just one of those days.
Yes we do. It is how we deal with them that define who we ARE. Just remember that.
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but are people programmed for this?
Very interesting question lola…Were our spouse programmed for this? I don’t know…what I do know is this…that all things in life happen for a reason. It may be a reason that WE do not agree with. I also believe in my heart that out of every difficult situation is a positive. A positive that we do not always see. In my case, I often hope and pray that from all of this…my W can become the person that she wants to be – even if that person is no longer with me.
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Why is it that 2nd and 3rd marriages have even less of a success rate? Is it really because people don't learn? Is it really because of the issues people bring forward?
BINGO! Yes IMO – we bring forth all of our issues. We bring forth all of our hurt. We expect SOMEONE else to understand. We rely on, depend on, and become hooked on someone else without ever really accepting that all of us are individuals. This is why it is soooo important for you to focus on your issues (an me to focus on mine) – cause this is the only thing we have control over.
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and we are just trying to explain away our failed relationships with anything we can grab hold of?
Relationships require TWO people. People by there nature are different. Are unique – no two alike. So maybe you are right…maybe we are just using MLC as some sort of an excuse. Either way, the failure of a relationship should NOT be an excuse to not be the BEST YOU CAN BE. This…is what we should all strive for.
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I know- I am a soggy diaper right now...just feeling a bit discouraged.
First off, you hurt – ya gonna feel like sh*t – it is to be expected. You know what though….you really are in control of how long you feel this way. I am not saying rush – no – I am saying feel it.
The discourage comes from an expectation. An expectation that someone else was suppose to live up to WHAT YOU wanted. Let go of this expectation and watch how your feelings change. Once again, not to say that you will not be sad – nope. What I am saying is trust yourself, expect from you, stay true to YOU and sit back and enjoy the life that YOU want.
Oh….and this sh*t is hard so be gentle on yourself. Time really is your friend.
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It is just one of those days.
And tomorrow is another day - so what are YOU going to do to make it better than today. Me? Well I'm gonna enjoy the sun driving in my jeep with the top down - yeah! Find that thing that makes you happy lola- find it girl. It is really in you. Don't be afraid to give it a try.
Que dios te bendiga, Eric
"The difficulties of Life are intended to make us BETTER,not bitter". "Fear is a prison, where you are the jailer. FREE YOURSELF!" "Life is usually all about how you handle Plan B." - Jack3Beans
From what I have read, MLC is because of childhood issues such as alcoholic father and making the daughter or mother in my case both feel worthless. Maybe just alcoholic isn't enough. Have you ever met an alcoholic that was not abusive/neglectful of their family. Every alcoholic I have met fits that template. Never feeling good enough in her fathers eyes. Then the time bomb has been activated and will go off on a final trigger. That is what happened to me. If I married you? Guess what? If I can get through this and my wife is gone for good with no chance of coming back, then the next woman I date may be one with childhood issues. I owe it to myself to then learn about her and her past. Especially her childhood. I am sorry, but you may be and seem like you are a wonderful woman, but if you have not had MLC yourself, then if I were you I would read up on it as much as possible. From what I have read, very few and I mean very few get through this without significant damage to themselves and spouse. I may be attracted to you and can't imagine life without you. Then what the hell am I going to do. The love is blind thing! I have been there with girlfriends before I got married and they were already messed up by then. They were cute, sure! Started falling in love with them. They already had cheating behaviors. Why is it that all the ones that I started falling for all had messed up dads? See where I am going here? I discovered the cheating behaviors before I got too involved. Those women must be a mess by now. The one I married had the time bomb.
My wife has reached a point in her life where hormones (perimenopause),stress, etc. Just helped blow her apart. I love her. I know she is in the shell because I get glimpses of her occasionally. We have even made love twice since she filed. Both times my wife is not present. She initiated but a blow-up doll comes to mind. Not that I know how that feels either I just know they (blow-up dolls) exist. The feelings she has for me have been shut down. Heard that yesterday from her. I also know that she loves me. She has said that multiple times too. But they love you like a brother or cousin. The intimate love stuff is gone. When they get through this, they figure it out. Then things are left for both to grow and love even more again. Forgiveness has to be given freely for both to move on. I am still trying to grasp this stuff. I think I am close though. Heartsblessing on this board was the person I had to read all of the threads on and see a bunch of this. It was well worth it for me to spend that time looking at her experience with herself and husband. I don't know for sure but I am guessing both had childhood issues because both went into MLC from what she wrote. If you meet a clone of your H that does not have childhood issues, that is in your favor. You may (or do) have the timebomb in you and that is why I would read as much as I can on MLC with women. My childhood was great. Parents loved me and I loved them. I am low risk MLC. Why could I not find someone similar to me? That would be the lowest risk of all. I chose my wife knowing she had an alcoholic father and rescued her from it. Not on purpose, because we dated for several years first. I wanted to be sure this was the one for me. We shared everything and built a friendship and we then moved more and more romance in our times together. Fell in love and I don't regret it. Never did. Don't regret it now. My wife is sick. I want to help her. She deserves the help. I don't know if she would do the same for me. This crap is not for the timid. It is irrelevant if she did or did not do the same for me.
I still can't find what is going on in the head of an MLC'r. I just read on posts that "You don't want to know". Great. That tells me squat! Supposedly when my wife comes out of this and I am still coherent, she will share a lot of it to me if she feels secure and unthreatened. Sorry for the long post but I don't have all the answers either. I feel a lot of time that I know a bunch and find I know nothing. That makes me dig even deeper for info and I always discover and relate to something new. I want to help others out there that are struggling. It is kind of a journaling thing for me. Heck my wife is journaling thing to find herself. Why can't I hop that bus too. is doing the journalling
Have you ever met an alcoholic that was not abusive/neglectful of their family.
Actually my father. My father was never neglectful of the family and not abusive. He was a completely functional alcoholic. When he drank- he typically just fell asleep..or he would be more talkative..but not abusive....not saying that he wouldn't yell occasionally My father has always been a man of very few words.
My father has MANY unresolved issues. His first M ended when he was 21. He had 4 other children. His wife ran off to California with the children and virtually disappeared. She got caught up in drugs- she never revealed any information about my father..and all of the children grew up in foster homes. (yes this is getting Jerry Springer-ish...no this is Jerry Springer-ish). We always knew my father had "another" family- but my father never heard from any of them until about 10 years ago..when a letter arrived in the mail from one of his daughters. Her mother (my father's XW) finally revealed who my father was and my father met all of them.
Anyway- my father's "other" family never impacted me and my siblings...but heavily weighed on my father.
With all this being said- watching your father drinking away his problems is tough in itself. It was never abusive..but it wasn't the healthiest thing to see. It was actually quite depressing for the obvious.
Coincidentally- I did date a drinker in college..which I ended. Taking your boyfriend to AA meetings at 20 years old after he got hit by a train...was not what I wanted from life.
God...writing this post is really making me look like a SEVERELY dented can. ; ) I am pretty well adjusted for having had a pretty interesting life so far..at least I think so.
My next two serious relationship- the boyfriend before my H and my H...were both the same age..to the exact day...drove the same car..and they both lost their fathers at a young age. Now I don't know what any of that means. I probably need to dig into that a bit more. I actually haven't brought this up in IC yet.
What do you mean by this?
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But they love you like a brother or cousin. The intimate love stuff is gone. When they get through this, they figure it out. Then things are left for both to grow and love even more again.
Very interesting question lola…Were our spouse programmed for this?
I remember being at MC with my H (the 2nd of 2 times we went)and I told the MC that I still loved my H. His behavior isn't reflective of who he was. I told her that I would never have expected him to cheat. He wasn't the cheating kind. My H corrected me...and said "I cheated on almost every girlfriend I ever had- this was my longest R before cheating". Hmmmmm??!! My H left that out of all of our preM conversations. He just said the R died...or it was over for some time- but up until that point..he never told me that he cheated on almost all of them.
I don't think I believe "once a cheater..always a cheater"...but I wonder if it does become easier after the first time...then the 2nd time...etc.
What do you mean by this? Quote: But they love you like a brother or cousin. The intimate love stuff is gone. When they get through this, they figure it out. Then things are left for both to grow and love even more again.
Here is what I can tell you from my experience. The wonderful closeness I feel with a woman and synergy that I feel when making love was definitely absent in those times. My wife and I were tight. She is not the person I married. Could not see that at first because my shocked nerves were fried. Later, (Months) I could sense her coming out of this at some brief moments. Not sure this is what you wanted. If you could be more specific on what you are asking I will try to explain more. I may be a little dense right now, but I will hopefully get better at this. If those brief moments were to return to her permanently, then I have something to grab hold of. That is what I believe is coming after she gets through this and we rebuild. The alien side does not possess these qualities. At least not with me. If anybody has had anything like this happen to them, I have not read much on that. I am just describing what happened to me. There are no guarantees. I have seen and experienced too much to quit now. I know at this point I am making a mistake to quit now.
About 2 days prior to the bomb my W text me to tell me that she is STILL IN love with me. 2 days later the bomb is dropped. 2 days after the bomb..I asked.."do you still love me". The response. Yes, I love you like my brother. To your point the intimacy is gone.
They know they still love you or care for you on a deep level but really they just do not love you that way - at least that is how they feel at the time. The OP does not help either. So what is one to do?
Be the best you can be for YOU. Accept that you cannot change this. Accept that this is their issue to deal with if and/or when they decide to deal with it.
What you hope to gain from this is a better understand of them and yourself. At some point you realize that you need to love them for being themselves - even if that means with you out of the picture.
God Bless, Eric
"The difficulties of Life are intended to make us BETTER,not bitter". "Fear is a prison, where you are the jailer. FREE YOURSELF!" "Life is usually all about how you handle Plan B." - Jack3Beans
Warrior/Eric I was asking because I got a similar sermon. I never got the ILYBNILWY- but I did get the...there is no passion- there never was. There was never an attraction. That hurt like hell. When my H said that..."yes we made love..and those times were nice"..."but I was never really attracted to you...but it wasn't hard to have sex with you because you are a pretty girl"....
my insides were ripped out. It makes me doubt everything...and that is a really tough pill to swallow. 10 years...and that is the way you really felt??? Could he have really felt that way?
I think that is why I got involved with someone else. I needed to prove my attractiveness to myself. I realize that now...I think I kind of realized it when I started up this post M relationship....but I just wouldn't really admit it to myself. I needed to feel wanted and attractive...and the guy I was seeing gave that to me..and it wasn't enough...and I had to hurt him- which I still feel terrible about.
I think I have a good understanding of myself..and why I do the things that I do...but for some reason- I need to go thru the motions before really really understanding why I do the things I do.
