How To Tell The Kids

[Ready2Change]

W: I'm not talking about this. You are just doing this because you are mad!

I hope all you guys see how this mind reading is used to control you. She tells you how you think and feel.

"No wife I am not mad. I am doing this because it's what divorcing couples do."

Let the brutal reality hit her.

Do you see why this RESPONSE is a better choice?

[DanF]

Actually, I believe that she doesn't know what her L was going to suggest at the temporary hearing. She is leaving it all up to her lawyer. I know they did originally talk about her getting $2k per month in child support if she got primary placement of the kids, but that isn't going to happen.

If this works the way I hope it will, she will get less than $1k per month child support and some maintenance/alimony, but my L hasn't given me an estimate on that yet.

I don't think my W has a clue as to what she is going to get or how she is going to live on it yet. I don't think she has planned that far ahead, just taking it as it comes. She is too busy acting like an unruly teenager with no worries and not a 44 yr old woman with a family. She has relied on me to earn whatever she wanted to spend for a lot of years. She if focking clueless about what it really takes to earn enough to live on, or at least live well on.

I really wish we would have had that court date. Would have cleared a lot of things up. She is in for a rude awakening at some point.

Have a call in to my mortgage broker about getting an appraisal and refi or home equity line set-up. It will all depend on the value of the house. If I sell I stand to lose a lot. If there is too much equity, I won't be able to afford to buy her out.

This just sucks, like IDU's situation, but I am pushing ahead. I am no longer afraid! I am strong!!!!

Thanks to all of you for helping to build my confidence. I wouln't be at this point today without all of your great advice.

I have an appointment with my IC tomorrow, but I don't even feel like I need it really.

[DanF]

W: I'm not talking about this. You are just doing this because you are mad!

I hope all you guys see how this mind reading is used to control you. She tells you how you think and feel.

"No wife I am not mad. I am doing this because it's what divorcing couples do."

Let the brutal reality hit her.

Do you see why this RESPONSE is a better choice?

Yes, I definetly do see how this is much better. Sometimes I am not as quick as I would like to be. I have been reading lots of other posts, especially IDU and others who seem to be in the same place as I am so I can learn what is going to happen to me next. It is great advice to be prepared before you need it and I am trying to get myself prepared.

I will look through the quotes thread on my lunch break.

Thanks for continuing to support me. I really appreciate the help from all you guys/gals and can use all of it I can get. Sometimes I feel like I am slow in picking all this stuff up. This has been and will continue to be a real challenge for me, but I feel like I am in a much better place now than I was even a week ago.

[Ready2Change]

We all have lots of choices when responding. Reviewing your "bills convo", there was no agreement reached.

she asks me write a check to pay the babysitter.

Glad you saw the opportunity.

I said, "ok,

Right there you agreed to pay it. I would have delayed this....

but Since our court date has been delayed, I would like to come to some kind of an agreement as to how the bills are going to be split going forward. 50/50 works for me."

Less words is always better.

another option:
Since our court date has been delayed, I would like discuss how to split the bills fairly until the court date. What are your thoughts?"

W: I can't pay 50% of the bills.

Me: OK, make a proposal as to what you can pay.
Then she started to get heated and loud.

W: I'm not talking about this. You are just doing this because you are mad!

She intentionally changing the direction of the conversation, drawing you into a argument. Coach gave a good response.

Me: No, I am just tired of financing all of your entertainment. I have been paying all the bills and you need to start paying your share.

Avoid ALL or NOTHING statements....Use specifics. "I have been paying the mortgage, the utilities, and insurance...."

W: You haven't been paying all the bills. I paid the cable bill and bought groceries and have been running out to buy coke.

Me: I've paid for your car repairs, insurance, utilities, furniture, electronics, mortgage, etc., etc.

Good time to Validate. "Yes I understand that you pay for these things. We are discussing the joint bills that need to be paid and Who pays what until we go to court. "

Me: Ok, let's write it all down going forward and keep track of it.

W: Ok, well then I'm getting the court date moved up.

Me: Good. I wanted this to go today. Get it moved up!

W: I can't pay 50% and you know, I don't get paid for the work I do around here.

Missed a chance to tell her that she needs to get a job that she gets paid for then! Go full time!!

Me: Ok, make a proposal on what you can afford. 60/40? 70/30? I'm not paying the mortgage BABYSITTER until we have an agreement in place and you pay your share.

Time for you to walk away......

[PMA_Baby!]

Nice job guys!! Do you have any idea of how many marriages could be saved if everyone learned to communicate like this? Too bad we all can't have a play-by-play coach talking in our ears

Remember if all else fails walk away. Less is more...

[DanF]

Thanks R2C.

You are right. No agreement was reached in this conversation because I thought she deserved time to consider what was appropriate. Maybe I should have pushed harder, but my plan is to put somehting into writing tonight and to have both of us sign it.

I shouldn't have gotten drawn into the argument and should have walked away, but this is actually the best I have done with my W in terms of standing up since this all went down in January. I am making progress, but do realize I have a long way to go.

I have done a pretty good job of detaching and 180's, so we will see how things go tonight.

Thanks again to all for your advice.

[PMA_Baby!]

Dan - You did fine. Give yourself a break. This is a very emotional experience. Leaving the emotion out of it will take practice.

Yes putting things in writing is the best thing you can do. Especially if and when it goes to court.

[DanF]

Thanks PMA - feels good to hear this......BIG SMILE!!!

[LSG]

DanF,

It takes time to implement what we learn here. Detaching helps us keep the emotions out the equations. It will take time.

You are doing a much better job dealing with a difficult situation.

We all have to keep striving to do better. No one is perfect. Emotions will always be apart of the process. They have away of getting us into trouble.

Be encouraged with the progress you have made so far.

[Ready2Change]

Yes, you are doing good. I am giving feedback so the next time you will do even better....

This stuff is hard at first. It is hard to change what we believe and how we respond to things.....