Just to be clear, I'm only recommending getting your legal ducks in a row to protect yourself and your child, only you can decide when you should leave.
Yep, thanks TT. That's exactly what I'm doing- using this (in a way, a gift) time to prepare, research, calculate budgets, etc. It's a mixed blessing- I tend to analyze and over-think, so I would've been terrified and stressed if I'd had to make a move quickly, but having lots of time to think and still being in the same house has its negatives for me, too. I think it's good for our child, though, as long as we're getting along, which we usually are.
I'm just weirded out by the recent mixed messages. And as I think I mentioned earlier, although I'm LBS, I can totally see me moving this along b/c I'm sick of the limbo. I'm trying to get in that mindset of "why would I want to hang on to someone who has been very clear they don't want me?" but it's not very easy. It was easier when I was getting clearer "I don't want you" messages. So I got into the mindset of I'm moving out, I'm going to have to be on my own, etc., only to be thrown for a loop when I get contrary messages (he never says "I'm re-thinking things" or anything like that, but it's other things he does that are confusing. And I'm tired of being confused.) It's also a mixed blessing that we get along most of the time- it leads us to do family activities for child's sake, etc. Which then feels like a family and so on.
If I were to just judge him on how he behaves now- to ask if this is the kind of partner I want for the rest of my life- the answer is a sad, and slightly ambivalent "no". In a way it would make it easier if he were a total jerk- that's pretty clearly someone I don't want to be with.
But right now my feeling is- just let me go. If you're sure you don't want me, let me go so I can start healing and moving on. I know I can "let myself go", but that's harder for me to be the one to leave when there are ambivalent feelings in the air.
This weekend he was offering to do all sorts of things for me, being helpful in a way I haven't seen in months. I felt reluctant to accept his help- it seems to keep me in limbo, or be taking a step backwards. But it's so tempting- I want a partner who offers to do nice things for me, I've been missing that. But I also don't feel like being jerked back and forth- it's too confusing.
TT- if you're still there. Would detaching include not asking where he's going and also moving out? Just curious on your definition. I think I know the answer to the first and had been really good at this but now it almost seems like he's DBing me sometimes and being mysterious and that's when I get frustrated and (sometimes) ask.
He now says I am the one moving things along towards D, which makes me regret trying to start talking to him about money and custody, but it's hell to be in limbo, too. I just can't understand these WAS's who announce they don't want you then just sit around and do nothing about it. It is very interesting how many LBS's I've met or seen on here who end up filing b/c they can't stand the limbo anymore. That may be me, too, which is completely ironic. Now I'm regretting having tried to nudge things out of limbo b/c it seems like he's re-determined to forge ahead, whereas before he languished for weeks on end without mentioning anything D-related. Did I just push my own D forward??
Also, I know H and suspect that what he sees as my "businesslike" attitude (in wanting to talk about money, etc) and detachment, he interprets as "she didn't really want me anyway, that's why I wanted to leave her- before she could leave me- and now I see that she doesn't really care at all about me." And I don't know what to do about that. The longer it goes on with this new H, the one who has no affection, is pretty removed, the less I do want him back.
Someone here told me that moving out doesn't have to block the possibility of reconciling, but rather might give us a chance to stop the stress and upset of living together now, give us space. I think H will decide, if I leave, that I abandoned him and he'll never entertain having me back. I know a lot of people here think their sitch is unique and the rules don't apply to it, but I DO know H and he is that somewhat insecure, passive-agressive type that wants to hear someone beg for him back and make him feel completely wanted. So this DB stuff will not work on him, I don't think. He'll just convince himself that he was right and I never wanted him or cared about him anyway. Anyone here have experience with that or a spouse like that that DB seemed to have the opposite effect on?
He's also DBing me in that I have told him I definitely am not ok with D and have many emotions around it but he probably wouldn't see it- for my own emotional safety. I think now he is being very cautious sharing with me, which makes me feel shut out. I know I'm supposed to detach- and it was fine when it was led by me and he still seemed to need me in some ways, but when I feel him detaching from me, it feels awful...
I know my thread isn't very interesting or active- I'm hoping as time passes I can post more freely on here but in the meantime, I hope someone out there is reading along. I have posted to many of you in the past- just not as NB. Thanks for those who have responded- as you all know, it makes me feel not so alone.
I have noticed in a lot of threads that WAS like to have their cake and eat it to. They really are not sure if they want the D but they want their freedom. They start getting a little pressure when you get sick of it and they waffle around when you start to move on. Just an observantion by me and looks like a trend here on some of the treads.
Me: 35|WAW: 38|D: 6yo | http://tinyurl.com/2dxx7m6 Feb 2006, left, came back in two weeks Aug 2006, left again Apr 2007, filed for divorce Dec 2007, reunited Mar 2010, moved out, filed again
I've worried the same about pushing my W to D. I'm far more detached than I was the first two weeks, and my W is reacting to it (instead of me reacting to her). It's hard to trust the DB strategy, but think of the alternative; begging, pleading, and pursuing is never going to work. Ever. All it does is make you feel worse, and push your WAS away.
Cake eating is a big problem in limboland. Though I wouldn't mind ML with my wife, it's not going to happen. Instead she's taking baby steps to separate, since she's so scared of the unknown. Part of me thinks that a good dunking in reality will make her regret leaving, but that's just my usual optimism.
If you can stand the heat, stall or halt any actions you take towards the D. Make him do it. It'll be hard, but if you're doing your 180s, GAL, and being happier and nice in general, it's easier for him to see than if he moves out and your contact is limited.
The hard part is that most WAS aren't thinking, they're feeling. And depending on if there's an OP in the picture, there feelings are apesh#t crazy. Guilt, fear, anger, love, all mashed into one skull.
I have noticed in a lot of threads that WAS like to have their cake and eat it to. They really are not sure if they want the D but they want their freedom. They start getting a little pressure when you get sick of it and they waffle around when you start to move on. Just an observantion by me and looks like a trend here on some of the treads.
yep, I think it's part of the whole thing, you're right. I think that has definitely happened in my case- and I'm letting it. As a part of my hope that I have the power to turn things around by my actions (not), I've let him eat cake and learn that when he doesn't get it, he gets very angry very fast and fast forwards things, with interspersions of passive-aggressiveness and anger spewing...
I've worried the same about pushing my W to D. I'm far more detached than I was the first two weeks, and my W is reacting to it (instead of me reacting to her). It's hard to trust the DB strategy, but think of the alternative; begging, pleading, and pursuing is never going to work. Ever. All it does is make you feel worse, and push your WAS away.
Pin- (I think you, like Romeo, need a new screen name )- thank you so much for dropping by. I WISH I could post more specifics and details here to grab people's attention, but it's not safe to do so.
Isn't it interesting how they react? Mine I think has stopped reacting to my detachment and it seems he's DBing me right back sometimes. I don't know if I have a DB strategy anymore- or if I want him. Definitely don't want him how he is now and I guess that's all I have to go on. You're right- begging, etc. won't help. I was thinking more like ML and being nice but still detached- not asking him to change his mind, but basically, letting him eat cake and see if he came back for more on a permanent basis...
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Cake eating is a big problem in limboland. Though I wouldn't mind ML with my wife, it's not going to happen. Instead she's taking baby steps to separate, since she's so scared of the unknown. Part of me thinks that a good dunking in reality will make her regret leaving, but that's just my usual optimism. [quote]
I will try to catch up on your sitch as soon as I can- are you guys still living together? I think the dunk has to happen for them to wake up. Mine seems to think I'll continue to do things for him (and some, I do) and not realize that things like ML do not usually continue through a D.
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If you can stand the heat, stall or halt any actions you take towards the D. Make him do it. It'll be hard, but if you're doing your 180s, GAL, and being happier and nice in general, it's easier for him to see than if he moves out and your contact is limited.
The hard part is that most WAS aren't thinking, they're feeling. And depending on if there's an OP in the picture, there feelings are apesh#t crazy. Guilt, fear, anger, love, all mashed into one skull.
Hang in there, and God be with you.
Well, I'll be the one who has to move out- long story with details I can't post. I will try to let him do the work- esp stuff that can be done whenever like filing papers. What it's coming to is me getting close to needing to move (there is a deadline in a few months- or whenever I can't stand it anymore) and therefore wanting/needing some financial and custody matters worked out beforehand. So I don't know how much stalling I can do.
I don't know that I want to try to DB someone back who treats me poorly and doesn't want me. You know?
And how DO you tell the kids (was just looking at DanF's thread)??
I've got a 3 year old. Anyone been through this before- or gotten age-appropriate advice from a professional- which I will seek, but am curious what you all said for kids this age...
)- thank you so much for dropping by. I WISH I could post more specifics and details here to grab people's attention, but it's not safe to do so.