I spent Friday night with my SIL. It was really strange being over there without my H although it was so great seeing her, as well as my niece and nephew.
We spent hours talking about my H...how unhappy he is..and how he is still considering quitting his job/career change. They are worried that he is going to be left with nothing..they would like to see him go on medication. He is not acting as crazy as he was a couple of months ago...but she told me that he is still very very unhappy. He is being nicer to them too. Perhaps he is coming out of the tunnel??!!
I find myself feeling pretty depressed now.
I decided this morning I was going to do some things around the house and get my mind off of all of this. I sanded my railing outside and re-painted it. I have been wanting to do it for quite some time and it looks really good. I also painted the frame around my front door. The paint was chipped...the fresh coat of white paint made such a big difference. I think I may spend the rest of the day relaxing with the pups.
Definitely feeling the loss of my M. Hearing my nephew ask me where Uncle H is. Where are the puppies? He is only 3 but is so smart and remembers EVERYTHING. I was so close with H family for 10 years. It is my nephews birthday this weekend and my niece's christening- and I won't be part of it. It stings a bit. I arranged for nephew's cake and won't be able to see or taste it. All of it stinks.
I continue to GAL. I did my house stuff today. I am going to a concert tomorrow night with some work friends. Meeting my girlfriend for dinner on Thursday and I have two bbq's this weekend. I have got plenty of stuff going on for sure.
I am sure my H is going to pop in some time this coming week to pick up more of his stuff. Part of me wants him to just finish up so that I don't have to go thru another day of that. The other part of me doesn't want him to finish up because then I probably won't see him or speak to him again for a very long time.
I guess part of me had a little bit of hope about a reconciliation...and part of me knows this is the best thing possible right now.
and part of me knows this is the best thing possible right now.
Do you really understand why? Think about Grit's question and I mean really think about it.
Eric
"The difficulties of Life are intended to make us BETTER,not bitter". "Fear is a prison, where you are the jailer. FREE YOURSELF!" "Life is usually all about how you handle Plan B." - Jack3Beans
I THINK I understand why this is the best possible thing right now. However, I am still cycling thru extreme feelings and emotions.
I think my H is in a MLC...or at least all the signs are pointing to this. I also think looking back...all the signs were there that a MLC was inevitable. Perhaps he has been in one long crisis...not sure.
Talking to my SIL the other night- we discussed how my H was always moody..always displayed signs of depression..something was always just a bit off. He hasn't done anything to help himself. I believe he will need to go down this path to realize that his unhappiness lies within him. Until that point, he will continue to blame everyone around him...and this is not healthy for me and this is not what I want for myself.
It is difficult for me not to be impacted by someone else's mood. I know- detach detach detach. When you are living with someone plagued with bouts of depression, irritability, and anger- It is really difficult to detach. You want to help. You doubt yourself (am I causing him to be so angry and miserable?) You begin doubting yourself even more when everything is your fault..you are to blame for EVERYTHING that doesn't go like planned. You are blamed because the weather stinks. I was yelled at when his dinner wasn't ready because I was stuck at work late. I was responsible for the dogs barking. At times I became defensive...I did not like acting defensive. I really wasn't sure how to react to it at times.
Then there is the narcissistic component to his personality. He has an enormous sense of entitlement and a lack of empathy and compassion. How does one learn this??
I do still love him...and care deeply for him- but he needs to do this on his own. I don't believe he intentionally treated me this way. I really do believe he couldn't help himself. As my IC says often- he doesn't have a clue. He is just going in circles.
I need to work on putting myself back together. As I have mentioned before- my confidence has been shaken to the core. I need to find out what is important to me..what I want. This is what I am concentrating right now...instead of focusing all my energy on him. This is kind of frightening after spending so many years considering someone else. It is kind of lonely.
I also think looking back...all the signs were there that a MLC was inevitable.
Read this ^^^^^ again and again. It took me a LOOOOONNNNGGGG time to get this. My W and probably your H would have hit this crisis regardless of what you or I did. Just remember that!
Once it sinks in, you will be able to maintain a love for your S regardless of what they do. You will begin to understand that true love…true unconditional love…let’s go. Let’s go with Love.
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I believe he will need to go down this path to realize that his unhappiness lies within him. Until that point, he will continue to blame everyone around him
BINGO! It is his issue – not yours.
Your issue is,
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his is not healthy for me and this is not what I want for myself.
So what do YOU really want for YOU. What dreams do YOU have. Who the heck are YOU outside the M? All questions that you want to take time to ponder.
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He has an enormous sense of entitlement
Yep – cause right now he feels that everyone stunted his growth. It is an easy way out for him cause he does not want to look at himself.
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This is what I am concentrating right now...instead of focusing all my energy on him
Standing hands clapping….YES>>>YES>>>YES>>>>>this is where lolawar should be!
Keep your head up – it does get better. Keep the focus on you. Surround yourself with friends and family. You can do this kido..ya can.
God Bless, Eric
"The difficulties of Life are intended to make us BETTER,not bitter". "Fear is a prison, where you are the jailer. FREE YOURSELF!" "Life is usually all about how you handle Plan B." - Jack3Beans
Yep – cause right now he feels that everyone stunted his growth. It is an easy way out for him cause he does not want to look at himself.
Eric- I think you hit the nail on the head. H was always spoiled rotten. He was the first child..first son in his immediate family..first boy of all the cousins.
I love my MIL to death- she did a great job raising him...she provided so much love and so much care...but she DESTROYED him in some ways. From an early age- he learned that sense of entitlement. His mother used to go thru toasting a loaf of bread before my H decided that the piece was "suitable" to eat....amongst other things to ensure he was happy.
During his teenage years...I guess like most teenagers...H was moody. My MIL said that he had extreme mood swings. He would wake up EXTREMELY nasty..he would be EXTREMELY withdrawn- she wanted to beat the sh*t out of him most of the time. After one of his moods- he would typically hole himself away in his bedroom for hours at a time (depression).
When his father died at 16 from leukemia- my H was in shock. His mother kept the seriousness of the situation from him and his sister. She shielded the kids from the details. (good mom I think). After his death- my MIL never grieved in front of the kids- she just wanted to move on...so she did. She sold the house..sold all the furniture and bought new furniture..got rid of all pictures...and told my H- "you are not the man of the house".
His mother encouraged him to apply to Ivy League schools- he didn't get accepted to any of them. He followed a friend of his to F&M. Got done with school- took a year off..and then followed the same friend to Villanova Law.
When H got his first "real" law job- he was miserable. He was never a man that liked committing his life to work- a 9 to 5/6/7/8 o'clock job never suited him. As his career progressed- more and more was expected from him. He was never happy..I don't recall a time that he was really happy doing what he was doing. I think he was always proud to say he was an attorney- but he never enjoyed the work or commitment.
The reasons why I am mentioning all of this is because during our S and when H seemed CRAAAAZY...he told his mother "I never made a decision in my life"....and then told her "you need to accept everything that I do going forward".
My IC told me before this even happened- she thought H behavior was aimed at his mother.
..and besides the genetics (grandmother bipolar/father was extremely moody/mother antidepressants for years)- I don't think he ever learned how to be a man. He seemed like he did in certain situations...but I think it was an act- he knew how he was supposed to be acting..but never really felt it. If this makes any sense.
His A started right when he made partner. Right after we discussed starting a family. Although I think the seeds were planted quite some time before this.
The fact that you are able to look at your sitch the way that you have articulated is a very good thing. Man did it take me a long time to "get it".
In my sitch, my W (who was an absolute DOLL) really never grew up. I say this not to be critical - it is what it is. She was brought up in a very religious household. Her mother attend church daily and the church became the focus for the family. That is for everyone except my W.
As I have looked back on our R, W never really experienced living alone, dating, etc. Now, that is not to say that I am not guilty for all of the mistakes that I made. Shiznit, I made a ton. I just now understand what she is going thru and where she is.
Can I or in your case, you - change it? No - we just need to become the best people we can. Love them from a distance. Let them go about and figure this out.
Will they? You know I have often questioned this. A part of me says that my W may not have the strength or life experiences to do it. Another part of me says that, she had the strength to call it day. So who knows. What I do know and believe with every fiber of my being is this....
I am a better man because of this. Lola you will be too - if you really allow yourself to grow and learn from this.
God Bless, Eric
"The difficulties of Life are intended to make us BETTER,not bitter". "Fear is a prison, where you are the jailer. FREE YOURSELF!" "Life is usually all about how you handle Plan B." - Jack3Beans
I often think...don't we all have issues? I don't think there are many people that will say their life has been perfect.
What keeps some people grounded and committed while others go off the deep end? I often wonder- could I have been the one that had an A? I don't think I have it in me..I never cheated in a serious relationship. I am not saying this makes me better...but are people programmed for this?
Why is it that 2nd and 3rd marriages have even less of a success rate? Is it really because people don't learn? Is it really because of the issues people bring forward?
Perhaps monogamy is a myth?..and we are just trying to explain away our failed relationships with anything we can grab hold of?
I know- I am a soggy diaper right now...just feeling a bit discouraged.
