How To Tell The Kids

[Ready2Change]

So.....

Script out for us what you want to happen tonight.

Also list your fears. Then think of responses to face them.....

[DanF]

Thanks R2C and thanks for continuing to give feedback. It helps so much!!

[PMA_Baby!]

U learn well grasshopper...

[Ready2Change]

From another thread:

My wife just texted me wants to stop by and pick up bills and she's asking me "Do I care if she does this?"

What do I say?

"I have decided I will be handling the family finances right now." Then do it.

Wise words.

Maybe for you, "I have decided I will be handling the family finances right now. I would like a check from you for $XXX to cover your fair share of the joint expenses"

Then put on your rain coat as she spews.....

Then reply (VALIDATE) with "I am sorry you feel that way."

[DanF]

Thanks R2C,

I didn't see your earlier post or I would have scripted out for you, but I did try to script it in my head. Not thoroughly enough though, apparently.

Also, we have each opened our own accounts, so it is impossible for one of us to manage all of the $ at this point. It would be a good idea if we still had a joint account.

Thought I would come home and talk to W about what is a fair split of the bills. She didn't want any of it, wouldn't agree and said, can't I just pay a bill when I have money?

So it starts like this. I get home and she is cleaning up from having dinner with the kids. I am home by 6pm, but she never waits. They are generally done with dinner by the time I get home. Not always, but probably most of the time.

So, I eat a piece of leftover frozen pizza and a hot dog. I never complain about it, I just find myself soomething to eat and get on with the night.

I go upstairs and change clothes and W is doing some laundry. I ask her if she told D that this would be done in 2 months? She says no, I never said that, acting like this will take much longer. I said, oh, that is what D said you told her. I thought that meant maybe you thought we could work this out without going to court. W - No, I never said that.

Me: Did you tell D that they would spend 50% of the time with you and 50% of the time with me? Because that is what D said? No, I didn't say that, but I did say it was a possibility.

Then she got into questions the kids have been asking. S wants to know if we will still be able to spend family time together and go to Florida again together. W says probably not, but we may have lunch together or something like that.

D wants to know all of the details. She has lots of questions, as I experienced on a recent evening. S is more top level.

So I ask her if she has thought about a payment arrangement for the bills. She says no, she doesn't want it to work that way. I am and have been beating her down and she doesn't appreciate it. I ask how I am beating her down and she snorts indignantly. She doesn't really have an answer except to say that I have mood swings. I ask her what she expects? She says I am mad about this and I say, no, I am just done. If you don't want to work on this R then it is time to move on. I don't want to waste the next 6-9 months of my life living with her and not being able to move on. She agrees.

She says she is afraid to ask me for money and that she is struggling with no money while I have lots of money in the bank. I tell her that after paying the mortgage and my credit card bill, I don't have any money either. I said that I paid for a new wardrobe for her since January and also paid for her car repairs. My car needs the same $1,300 work hers had and I have also lost weight and need new clothes too. She agrees.

I ask again about a bill paying arrangement and she again declines, saying that she hasn't been spending a lot of $ and can't she just pay a bill when she has money? I say that I am not comfortable with that arrangement, but she won't committo anything. She says that I think this is all my money, but it really is OUR money. She says I am discounting all she has done for 209 years to help earn it. I didn't think of it at the time, but she is discounting everything I have done for 20 years also, which is part of the reason she is divorcing me.

I leave it alone, but vow that I will not give her any $ and will push her to pay some bills. I don't really know what else to do at this point.

After this conversation, I go to the grocery store with a list that W has put together. When I get home, we put the groceries away and she goes upstairs to fold laundry. I ask if I can help and she says no, so I go outside with the kids and the neighbors kids and we pick-up apples that have fallen off the tree and have a contest to see who can throw them the farthest into the swamp.

I come in the house and W gets on the phone with someone and goes into her room for privacy while she is talking. She told me earlier that she ran over on the minutes again so her bill is $150 instead of $80. Addording to her, it is only the last 2 months that this has happened. That is because since she has filed, she is constantly on the phone, and usually her cell phone so she can go outside where I can't hear her. Our home phone is wireless and also free. I tell her to use it instead of her cell. Now I have another large bill to pay, but I will make her pay it since it is her phone and I don't care if it gets turned off.

I make ice cream malts for the kids after they shower and then we put them to bed. W complains about how tired she is and I tell her to go to be if she is tired.

I see that "Rescue Me" tv show is on and this is something we have always watched together. she sits down to wathc with me. It is after 10pm now, which is late for her, and I say I can't believe you are still up. She says she can't believe it eaither. We chat a bit during commercials and things seem to be going well. After the show is over, she starts to tell me about her work and gets into a bunch of details about how she is subpoeaned into court on Friday. She is a probation and parole afficer. Formerly a sex offender specialist. This is a rape and potential murder case that was prosecuted 2 yrs ago and they want to review her notes from back then. She gets into all kinds of detail and I pay close attention, looking into her eyes, listening intently and trying to validate as best as I can.

After this story, she starts to talk about the kids again. Rehashes yesterday and asks for ,y thoughts about a trip D want to have with a friend of hers. Am I ok with it? Sounds ok to me, but she is nervous. Always is when it comes to the kids and I tell her that she always has been. That is part of our problem She has very bad separation anxiety and would never leave the kids, so we very rarely went out alone as a couple for 10 years. I was and am OK with that as I really wanted to spend my time with her anyway. She apparently is not ok with that and feel she has missed years of her life that she is now seemingly trying to make up for. CAn you say unruly teenager?

When W first moved out of our bedroom, the kids asked what we were fighting about. They asked if we were fighting about sex and wanted to know about puberty and all that kind of stuff. W said she would get a book from the library. She was looking recently, but thought much of it was too explicit and didn't want her kids to know all that yet. Suggests we go and look together. Things seem to be going very well, but then she stars talking about all of the good DIVORCE books they have there too.

I just don't understand how we can have such good chemistry about the TV show (she was laughing at my jokes and we were talking well) and the kids, yet she still thinks we have to get divorced. I just don't get it and it bums me out sooooo much.

What is it with these women? I care about you as a person. You are a good person. We always have fun together when we go out. I could be friends with you forever. I love sitting around and talking with you, but I HAVE to divorce you.

WHAT THE HELL AM I MISSING HERE?

Sorry for such a long post, but it was an interesting night filled with lots of twists and turns and I just can't figure it out. These kind of evenings make me feel like we will work this out and not get divorced, but then she says things that make me think she will never change her mind.

WTF is going on?

Thanks!

[idontunderstand]

Hey, Dan-

This is my first time on the "night shift" here. Can't sleep so may as well do something constructive, right?!

I agree with you as far as feeling like we are missing something. The whole "I love you but I'm not in love with you" crap just never really sat very good with me. I understand the theory behind it; they aren't attracted to us, they don't respect us anymore. We have to get that back. But what if they are stuck in this fantasy land and anything we do doesn't matter? The financial realities hit home and then they sweep them aside. It is maddening.

That is part of our problem She has very bad separation anxiety and would never leave the kids, so we very rarely went out alone as a couple for 10 years. I was and am OK with that as I really wanted to spend my time with her anyway. She apparently is not ok with that and feel she has missed years of her life that she is now seemingly trying to make up for. CAn you say unruly teenager?

Same here. After we had the twins, my W would not let them out of her sight. As they got older, we would occasionally go out and end up coming home early because she was worried about them. Then the little girl came along and more of the same. What about the fourth one? Same thing. Only now it was, "we can't afford a sitter for four kids." So, we each agreed to stay home and be with the kids and our time would come later.

When she first got involved with the school board and such, I thought it was a good idea for her to get out of the house and be around other adults and relax without the kids. It evolved to what it is now and I saw it coming but was too scared and unsure of myself to put a stop to it. I thought, it's my wife. I love her and she loves me. She would never do anything like that, I am just being jealous and imagining things. So, I bottled it up inside and when it came out, I was a whining, crying mess, ready to believe whatever she told me. She continued to confirm my suspicions all the while telling me I was being paranoid.

She started acting like a teenager, like you said; dressing sexier than she ever had, going out drinking and partying, calling in sick to work because she was hung-over. All the signs were ther and I would not call her on any of it. If I did, it was weak, like 'don't you think you should come home a little earlier' something like that. I didn't understand about boundaries. I thought the boundaries were automatically there and understood. They always were for me.

Jeez, enough about me. It does not make any sense, any of it. I guess that's why we have to let go and completely detach. We are not dealing with someone who is rational. Like you, I can't seperate what is best for me with what is best for the kids. Not to lesson your pain, but I have four to think about. It is just overwhelming.

I want to build a better M. I know you do, too. Hell, that's what we are all here for, isn't it? We can't do it alone. If nothing wakes her up, what other choice do we have? Be the best we can with our kids and love them hard enough that they will know, when they are older, that we did all we possibly could to keep the family together. It's little consolation now, but it's all that I can look forward to. I have mourned the loss of my W and M and if it were just she and I, at this point, I would tell her, "don't let the door hit ya where the Good Lord split ya!" I would never think about her again. It's the truth. Anyone who would treat me the way she has doesn't deserve a second thought. But with children in the picture, we can never be completely done with that person. They will be in our lives forever. To me, that sucks. I don't even know this person and what I do know of her, I don't like at all.

Stay the course as you are. Let her go and feel the backlash of her actions. Don't rescue her any longer. Advice I have to follow myself.

Have I ever mentioned how bad this sucks?

[DanF]

Thanks IDU. I will respond more later, but very quickly, I forgot to mention that I also told her last night to start getting her figures ready for the house so we can figure out if I can buy yer out or if we will have to sell it. More financial reality.

Sometimes I think if I were just nice enough, not needy and pursuing, that this would work itself out before the D is final. I know you are all going to say that won't work, but I sometimes feel that way.

[dday101798]

Just want you to know that I did read through your post Dan. I have very mixed impressions of your interaction, half of me want's to pull out the 4x6 and add a lump or two, the other half says good job.

So...............

I will just keep quiet for now.

[DanF]

Made a mistake last night and left my blackberry at home last night when I went for groceries. W read an email exchange between me and OM W. She texted OM to let him know. He must have taxted back because she got some texts late last night that she said were from BF. OMW texted me this am to let me know.

Nothing new in the emails. Mostly about OM's OW2.

I have now put a password on BB. Do I let W know that I know?

[dday101798]

I have now put a password on BB. Do I let W know that I know?

Hmmm, unruly teenagers as I was and now deal with are very easily tricked by reverse psychology. I would remove the password and send OMW a message that you "no longer care what your W does with HER husband, she is divorcing YOU and YOU are DONE"

Of course, leave that out for old busy body to read.

Hmm, hope you haven't been posting here off that thing.