No longer "stuck808". Now my name is Bond. "MrBond

[MrBond]

Nope. I had the girls with me on Sunday and I had a nice time with them. Thing is that when she misses the kids, she'll call them at my parent's place and not call me. So this is the first time she called just to say 'hi'. I cut it short saying I had someone in my office.

Part of me wants to blow it off, but I do acknowledge that this is the first time she's done this so I don't know if I should just send a message telling her 'thanks' or what.

[gucci loafer]

Bond,

No. You don't respond by saying "thanks"..

It IS ok to respond or return a call. After all, we ARE gentlemen aren't we? Nothing wrong with returning a call or calling her back and saying something like, "sorry I couldn't take your call, but I had an important meeting in my office.

THEN you say this.."What did you want?"..(VERY IMPORTANT TO ASK THAT QUESTION)

Her: "oh nothing, just wondering how your day went."

You:"Oh, it went fine. I am very busy with (fill in the blank short and sweet..(NO COMPLAINING ABOUT YOUR WORK.. you are a busy man, but a happy man..)

Then quickly... change the subject and ask her...
"how about you?"...

Let her answer and chit chat for a minute or so..

THEN.. GET off the phone politely.. Do not ask her anything else. Do not ask her out. do not ask her to do anything..

"Well, I am really tired and I am going to bed. I will talk to you later, bye"


That is all there is to it..

[MrBond]

Beat you to it. That's exactly what I did.

[gucci loafer]

Excellent job then...

[sandi2]

Were you following Puppy's thread when he told us that he was going to leave the board? He finally let go of that rope and said that his W just wasn't attracted to him and he didn't know what else to do. If you were reading his posts then you know the rest of the story.

I'm going to be painfully honest with you, and I don't know why you have this place in heart that makes me go all "melty-mom" with you( ) but I have held back with the 2x4's when I knew you really needed to be taken to the woodshed. Maybe it's b/c I really had a hard time saying that you needed to let go and move forward, IDK. And....dog-gone if she don't pull this little bit with the "how's your day" phone call!

So anyway, here's what I haven't said that I should have been saying a long time back. You "are" controlling, sweetie-pie. You really, really are trying to constantly control her. You put way too much pressure on her when I think you are seeing it as truth darts, at times. You see an opportunity to try to point something out....like it was a lesson or something. Remember the time at the movie when you just "looked" at her, hoping she would make the connection of the movie scene with your M? It's times like that that I feel you are truly hurting your R more than helping it along.

She's still resisting you, and you continue to try to teach her that she was unfaithful and she should be sorry and apologize for it. Of course, whenever you try to give her a classroom teaching lesson...it leads to an argument.

I have been absolutely amazed at the advice you could give others and see your wisdom in your posts.....but in your personal stitch you are too close to the forest. Well, I suppose we all are guilty of that problem.

Okay, so what am I saying that I think you should do? I don't know if you really "can" do it, b/c you seem to be a "all or nothing" kind of man....so maybe it's not possible, but if you could let go and stop trying to direct her thoughts, her feelings, her actions, etc. and let her be free to do whatever. I can almost you hear you arguing with me about it b/c you don't see it that way. But you do, sweetie....you do try to force her (in your own way)and I think that's why she's still resisting a lot. You know what I think her rest of her problem is (lack of hormones).

Do you think it is possible to treat her like your little cousin? Can you spend an afternoon with her and not refer to the past or tell her she could spend more time with the girls...."if" she went back home? Can you part without giving her a hug and watching to see how she'll respond?

I think you still have a big problem with the EA. I'm not saying you do not have a reason for having a problem with it, okay? But you need to hear her give you a heart-felt, remoseful apology.....and she hasn't done that, at least to your satisfaction. Maybe she hasn't even attempted half-hearted, IDK. I think I can understand a lot better than I use to why it's so important for the LBH, but I don't think the LBH understands why it is often the last thing that some WAW's do in the reconciliation process. It took me "forever" before I could finally say the words to my H. It was the resentment I was feeling toward my H for things that led up to the EA, and the fact he never apologized to me for all that stuff I had to endure. Of course, that was not grounds for the EA but as a WAW I think I understand why it's often so hard for the W to make amends and give that apology.

Sorry, I guess I sound like I'm all over the place tonight. I just want you to be able to let go of it, Stuck. B/c you are still stuck in that area. That EA continues to rob you of peace and happiness that you could otherwise have. You'll never get past this point until you can truly forgive her. It's for "your" sake that I say that. It is for you to have peace in your life. No, she doesn't "deserve" forgiveness....but it's not about deserving, it's about what you are able to do. You are the bigger person. You are stronger. You can do this...if you are willing. But sometimes we have to "will it" every day until the peace comes. I don't think I have to tell you how to fight against intruding thoughts that take you back down that road. You are a smart man and you already know all of that. You know how to fight the enemy. She's not your enemy, sweetie. Don't let the enemy have your joy for the rest of your life.

I hope with all my being that once you can fully reach that place--and you can set her free from by trying to control the outcome....that that will be the very thing that will draw her back into your arms. But it may not be and she may be so slow in pulling out of the fog that you will move on and make a new life. My question goes back to what I asked before.....can you do that or not? In other words, do you have to be 100% in her life or a 100% out? I'm not taking in consideration the children you share....just you and her.

You went down this road (or at least tried) when you were dating once before, and realized it wasn't fair to your friend. Only you know the answer.....but I'll still be here in your corner....cheering you on, praying, swinging 2x4's, or whatever it takes to help you out.

BTW, about her calling for the first time without any reason.....I know how ironic that seems after you said you knew it was time to set her free. But there will be those times that will make you wonder if you are making the right move or not. You can expect life to pull those ironic little gags on us...

I have always thought of you as being a special person. I still do, and I think you deserve so much more......and some gal is thinking to herself, "Gosh, what a waste!"

[MrBond]

Hi sandi,

I value your 2x4's more than I think you realize Mom. Take me out to the woodshed whenever you think I need it.

I would say that you are correct in every single one of your points. I would go one further in terms of saying that I'm controlling because I end up with "expectations" and have ended up trying to move things along according to my timeline and not hers.

It's strange but all this has especially happened in the past 3 months. I'm at the point where I really don't care about her any more and I was afraid of losing that connection. My "letting go" has gotten me to the point where I really don't care about her and that scared me.

Also there were times that she started to do things in a positive way and to me those times (although they have been increasing as of late) aren't coming fast enough.

I really think she's slowly coming out of her fog, but the bottom line is that she doesn't want me now and hasn't tried to figure out why things happened the way they did. No counseling, barely talks to me, but she comes up with these little positive signs that shows that she is "trying". But I don't believe she knows how to "try" correctly. She's still doing it all on her own.

So where I wanted to "guide" her, it does become controlling which is the last thing I want.

You're also right that the things with the OM still bother me. Moreso because I'm still afraid that he could still do something and she still sweeps it all under the rug and not putting any worry about this nut.

Today sent me a message wishing me a good day at work. This again is something she hasn't done in over a year. So it's hard for me to not wonder if this is her way of "trying" so I don't know if I should acknowledge this or just blow it off.

She told me on Monday that she basically stayed at her sister's all day on Sunday and slept around 7:00pm when she finished work on Monday. I really wish she would go in for a physical at the very least.

My C told me that when my W does something, a whisper is like a roar to her. Like when there was something she would disagree with me on, she would make one offhand comment and I would blow it off because it didn't sound like a big deal to me when in fact it was. So in this case where she calls and sends messages, I don't know if this is also the case here. Should I continue to back off or should I engage (not full pursuit) and thank her for her call and email?

There were several women who have shown interest in me, but like my other friend, I'm just not ready yet. But of course the attention is great.

So besides wishing me a good day today, she also invited me to her cousin's wedding reception. Positives coming very slowly.

[sandi2]

Just a "Thanks" would be okay to return email, but don't jump into a long dialog.

Do you want to go to her cousin's wedding? Can you go with her and be charming & sexy, showing personality plus......without making any references of your wedding day to her? She doesn't need reminded of the vows she took, etc. I would think that the wedding ceremony might be a bit uncomfortable for her, but IDK.

She needs you for her "backup" so she isn't there alone. If she's not gone out with anyone else, then you are her logical choice.

Remember what Michele says in her book about the WAW "testing the water".....your W might be doing that, but I agree...she is taking her sweet time.

Got to go to work. Check with you later.

[MrBond]

Thanks sandi.

I don't think she considers me as a "back up".

There are times that she considers us family so we do these things together. Personally I don't think there is anyone else. As far as I know she hasn't gone out with anyone since we've separated. She really believes that she wasn't meant to marry me and so just left.

I don't think I've ever met anyone so indifferent before in my life. I mean she's so matter of fact with no emotion in front of me. She doesn't get mad or anything, but there's always a level of anger or uncomfortableness under her surface.

Therapy would do her a world of good. But as long as she has enabling relatives she has no reason to leave her turtle shell.

[Coach]

But as long as she has enabling relatives she has no reason to leave her turtle shell.

The turtle will come out once you are gone. It's what turtles do. Be a turtle whisperer.

[Greek]

Turtle whisperer? Really?
Greek