Help - Is H coming Around?

[TimeHeals]

He began to cry and asked me how I could do that to anyone? That he and she could lose their jobs but that we would feel obligated to take of her!! WTF!!!

How could you tell the truth?

What suddenly became wrong about telling the truth?

It's like a thief stealing something, and you turn them in, and then they blame you. You didn't steal.

I think you have to expose this and let him deal with the consequences.

In the working-on-you category, it looks like we have some to-dos as well:

Establish a fitness program for yourself. It will make you feel better, and it helps level out your emotions and builds self-esteem.

Start finding fun things to do, and go do them.

Do them with friends, and try to meet new friends if you don't have too many. Maybe even take a look at golf

[ShellDoll]

Okay - I am ready for what will surely be 2x4's:

My H just called from Afghanistan. We were courteous with one another. He asked how my IC visits were going and I let him know that they were going good and that I am learning more and more about me each day. He then asked me if I was going to tell him what that was (what I learned)....so I did. He then said that he was glad to see that "I figured it out.."

Right after that, he says he is just not sure if he can be happy with me, but that he is not going anywhere and that we will continue to talk about us.

I am so very sad. He no longer uses terms of endearment when he refers to me. It was always,: honey, sweetie, babe.. Now he calls me by my first name. It is annoying and appears to be an indication that he is moving forward with the Divorce as he wants. So very sad.....

I know I need to get out of the house. So, I am either going to the driving range or maybe lite shopping. However, I did buy a ticket (I did this online) to see a movie this afternoon (new kiddie movie - to make me laugh). Thank u TH for your help. I hope you have a great afternoon.

[ShellDoll]

Has anyone here ever been to Montreal? I am thinking about going there for the weekend for cultural tours. I want to get out of town because my anniversary is July 17th.

[xin]

SD,

Can't tell you anything about Montreal, but it's a great idea for you to go for a weekend. You need to go out and do things to make yourself happy.

[ShellDoll]

What do you say/do/think when your H says he doesn't think he can be happy with you? This is the MOST important things for him..

[ShellDoll]

I have been reading posts in both Newcomers and the MLC forums. I am so confused about the approaches (and the major differences) the two forums take in regards to our WAS's.

I posted in Newcomers because after calling and speaking to the folks at DB, they recommended I sign-up for the forums and indicated that it was the place for more general dicussions. Initially, I thought my H was experiencing a mid-life crisis because of the actions leading up to him leaving the home.

However, reading the posts under newcomers, the general approach is towards:

1) If there is an affair, expose/bust it (let spouses suffer the consequences)
2) Agree with them and tell that you they are right (not much different in MLC)
3) There has bee some recommendations for the LBS to file for D (as see what happens)
4) Tendency to not believe that the WAS is confused or experiencing a crisis that can explain their strange/unknown behavior
5) SAME for Both: GAL, NC, and DARK

In MLC, the approach tends to be:
1) If there is an affair, do nothing, ignore it. Exposing it only makes it worse
2) Agree with them and tell that you they are right (not much different in Newcomers)
3) If the WAS wants D, let them work for and do all the work to make it happen if that is what they want.. the LBS should not help in any way
4) Tendency to believe that the WAS is confused or experiencing a crisis that can explain their strange/unknown behavior
5) SAME for Both: GAL, NC, and DARK

I am still trying to figure out where my H and I possibly fall. I say "H and I" because not sure if I believe that is just about the WAS and issues that they have to deal with. It is about both of us and in some cases, I believe we need to work together and apart for the the good of ourselves and God willing, the good of the marriage. Thoughts?

[xin]

What do you say/do/think when your H says he doesn't think he can be happy with you? This is the MOST important things for him..

SD,

My H has said that to me too. After reasoning, pleading and crying, I've come to realise that there is nothing i can do or say that would change H mind overnight. In fact, the consensus here is that the more we try, the more we're pushing them away.

I'm not an expert in DB'ing and have no success story to tell, but here's my understanding of the DB'ing approach.

Since we can only control our own actions, DB approach is to change ourselves, in the hope that by our actions our H/W would come to the realisation that they can be happy with us. However, if they don't come to that realisation, then at least we have improved ourselves so that we will become a better person in the process.

As for our feelings during our ordeal, I understand the DB approach is not to act on our feelings, which often would not be pleasant. The DB approach is for us to GAL which i believe is a good way to help us move forward from our sitch and improves our interacions with our H/W, supposedly.

[ShellDoll]

I thought the purpose of DB was to help in saving your marriage and improving yourself? That's what it indicated.

[MrBond]

Shelldoll,

It's actually the other way around. You improve yourself and the marriage comes after. The principle is that if you continue to do the same things that drove your spouse away in the first place, nothing will improve. However, if you improve yourself and learn about how R works in general, you become a better individual and if your spouse notices those changes or not, that's up to them.

Have you read the book? So many people come here thinking that this website is the answer to everything. It isn't. The basic fundamentals are all in DR and DB. Read those first.

[ShellDoll]

I am spiraling. Found H's FB page and the OW is a friend of his. What do I do? I am so F*&king upset. How can we reconnect if he is speaking and communicating with her? Why? Why? Why?