Not sure it's just a case of a dynamic needing to be broken. That again assumes the woman has a sexual side ready and waiting as soon as the dynamic is broken through. The question is, if you try to break the dynamic, is there a sexual side to her?
Again, it's about like asking when am I going to be able to break through the dynamic of withholding my homosexuality? Uh, there's nothing there to break through to. The example helps me understand what some LD or ZD people are going through. If the world suddenly consisted only of men, and it was suddenly the norm for them to be married to each other, I'd be completely nonsexual, and spending my fantasy hours drawing sketches of mythical creatures I'd call "women". And I'm sure my male partner would send me to therapy for hours of useless counseling.
Not sure it's just a case of a dynamic needing to be broken. That again assumes the woman has a sexual side ready and waiting as soon as the dynamic is broken through. The question is, if you try to break the dynamic, is there a sexual side to her?
Again, it's about like asking when am I going to be able to break through the dynamic of withholding my homosexuality? Uh, there's nothing there to break through to. The example helps me understand what some LD or ZD people are going through. If the world suddenly consisted only of men, and it was suddenly the norm for them to be married to each other, I'd be completely nonsexual, and spending my fantasy hours drawing sketches of mythical creatures I'd call "women". And I'm sure my male partner would send me to therapy for hours of useless counseling.
If there were no women on the world, society would be much like the "Planet of the Apes". We'd all be savages.
If there were no women on the world, society would not have advanced as far, as much of male achievement is based off the side benefit of the women he is able to draw.
ssmguy, perhaps in your case that the sexual drive and function is either non-existent, or she is using it elsewhere.
If I were in your shoes, I'd be willing to try anything to get it going again. Even by 10 years ago I would have been willing to try anything.
I would have already suggested "sex toys", I would ask her to go to a "male strip club", even taking her, if it got as bad as yours - I'd even suggest she take up a lover, if she really is shut down perhaps that would get things going again.
Plus female hormone replacements and the such, I believe you mentioned that you tried this avenue.
As for your own needs. You have already proven that you are loyal and dedicated, but at some point in time one would look at getting out the marriage or getting that need met outside of the relationship.
Besides, since your unvarying sex drive from teenage years to the present seems to be an identifying factor for you, which you return to over and over in your postings, it seems that the part of your life which you cannot share with your wife is more important to you than the (unstated) things which you do share.
For me, personally, it is indeed an "identifying factor" for the simple reason that it's a powerful mental and physical desire that intrudes on me every day, whether I'm ready for it or not, whether I have time for it or not, whether I have an available partner or not, whether I'm in love or not. If it's been 24 hours, and often sooner, a delicious sexual fantasy crosses my mind, or a horny physical feeling takes hold, or I simply start feeling aroused, any of which can lead to the others, etc. And if I just ignore it, which I often have to, of course, at work, etc., the fantasy/feeling desire just comes back more and more frequently. The sex drive is very much there even if I don't have a partner who comes on to me (which of course I'd much prefer). It's just life in the high-sex-drive lane. Nothing new for me there.
But I thought it might help you understand the nature of why it appears to "identify me" as an issue. It doesn't mean it's the only way I relate to people around me, or the only way I related when my wife and I were sexual. But if an HD person is married to an LD or ZD person, then, of course, those are the labels that become overly "identifying" to each partner.
I would have already suggested "sex toys", I would ask her to go to a "male strip club", even taking her, if it got as bad as yours - I'd even suggest she take up a lover, if she really is shut down perhaps that would get things going again.
And why do you assume I haven't? Believe it or not, I've already tried all the things you suggested! I've suggested she go to a male strip club. And she did with friends. I've also taken her to several, and we both enjoyed it. Indeed, she got a brief erotic spark out of it, which fizzled too quickly for any good to come of it, unfortunately.
Incidentally, for any men who think they wouldn't be caught dead in a male strip show at ladie's night, you don't know what you're missing. There are more horny attractive women at those things than you'll ever see at a regular strip show. In fact, I got a lot of attention from the women around me in the audience.
For those men getting "back on the prowl" or "back in the hunt". Being in the audience of a male strip club is a great idea. The women go there to see naked men. Many of them want to do the sex act and being ANY man in there, you are going to have the tables turned in your favour.
Well, if nothing else, the women at the ladies night certainly admired me for taking my wife there. More than one of the women commented along the lines, "I wish I had a husband like you! Mine would never take me to an event like this in a million years."
Good stuff for your confidence and ego, LOL. My brother already discussed this strategy with me. He was a DJ in a male strip club. He said that he would get 3 or 4 women trying to give him panties every single night. He said that any man in there is going to be presented opportunities. It truly is an environment where the tables are turned - a bunch of horney women and a few men.
I'm going to do it myself. Oh, I tried and they told me I have to bring a female with me. I have to figure out which female friend I'm going to take with me.
I notice that you didn't answer my question about your children...
Do I recall correctly that you are now in your 50s?
Originally Posted By: ssmguy
For me, personally, it is indeed an "identifying factor" for the simple reason that it's a powerful mental and physical desire that intrudes on me every day, whether I'm ready for it or not, whether I have time for it or not, whether I have an available partner or not, whether I'm in love or not. If it's been 24 hours, and often sooner, a delicious sexual fantasy crosses my mind, or a horny physical feeling takes hold, or I simply start feeling aroused, any of which can lead to the others, etc. And if I just ignore it, which I often have to, of course, at work, etc., the fantasy/feeling desire just comes back more and more frequently. The sex drive is very much there even if I don't have a partner who comes on to me (which of course I'd much prefer). It's just life in the high-sex-drive lane. Nothing new for me there.
Its this kind of thing that puzzles me about your situation: what you describe is not in reality life in the high-sex-drive lane. Its life spent in a perpetual traffic jam, watching other cars pass you by.
I agree that the HD/LD even ND labels are a tad simplistic. But to continue your own analogy - you have a car with a powerful engine under its bonnet - your wife isn't interested in going for a "drive", and you seem content to just leave it in the garage. Revving its engine occasionally on your own, so you know its working.
I'm genuinely perplexed why a guy - at your stage of life - who identifies himself as HD, remains content to do nothing real or worthwhile about it... A HD sexual man, I would have thought, would find a way to express that core part of himself. A HD man would at some point - long before the decade mark - say to himself and his wife "Enough is enough, I'm getting my needs met elsewhere/ leaving you altogether". He wouldn't allow his sexual self to be marginalized/ isolated to the extent you have let happen. You haven't even seen a woman have an orgasm - and you're HD - well why the hell not? That is truly sad...
One day, you don't know when, but inevitably, you will be dying. There will be no more chances to take your sports car out with a woman in tow who wants to ride. You will regret not standing up for yourself and asserting your right to be a sexual being. And I think you will seriously doubt that your current mode of doing nothing to upset your wife or jeopardise your roomates-type marriage was truly worth it.
So you're "best friends" with your wife... You can still be friends with her if you separate. I can't for the life of me understand what other "needs" you have that she couldn't (or wouldn't want to) meet if you separated. If she wouldn't want to, then query how good a friend she truly is.
Seriously, Ssmguy, have a good think about where you are going.
You either want to authentically express your HD core with a woman who would appreciate it, or you're content to live out the rest of your days in the quiet desperation to which you have become so accustomed. Your current sexless marriage seems to have numbed you from the reality of what a proper sex-life looks like.
There's a very different life out there, but its not going to just happen.
S&A
"A man can be destroyed but not defeated" - from The Old Man and the Sea, by Ernest Hemingway.
Which I take to mean that every man has within him a spirit of relentlessness and optimism. Its already there; he just has to cultivate it.
Fear of the unknown I suppose. I'm more or less in ssmguy's boat, W doesn't like orgasms - she gets panicky before it really happens. I'd have to give up a lot for something that I'm not sure is out there for me as I am the sole breadwinner and have 6 kids ranging from 5 to 20 yrs and together we do pretty well at stretching our money to include some niceties. We've told the kids all along that we'll do our best to prepare them for college, but as far as funding college they need to figure out that for themselves. Should I decide to leave, I would most likely need to pay for college expenses plus all the current living expenses times two households. Every choice has a cost, and in my case the costs are very steep either way.
