I asked him to give me the divorce I am asking for- after the abuse and adultery.
Why would you ask for this? I don’t know what state you live in BUT if YOU really want it why not just file? I think you know the answer to this.
Look honey…you just touched a hot stove. You just reached out to check the pulse. You got burned. Now get the F up and start really focusing on YOU. Start really trying to think your way out of this. Stop giving him the control. Stop trying to manipulate or guilt him to come back. It ain’t gonna work.
I tried this. Trust me – it really does not work.
Maybe I am misreading your post. Maybe I am off base BUT by asking him for the D you really wanted him to say something that make YOU feel better. He is not.
Lola you seem like a really smart lady. You do.
Look at Grits’ question… and I mean really look at it…
Quote:
What is it inside you that needs this validation from him?
Find the WHY? and then find WHAT is causing it.
Do you some insecurities? Do you feel your not pretty enough? Do you feel your not sexy enough? Do you feel your not smart enough? Do you feel less than him? Do you feel because he is a lawyer that he is better than you? Do you feel that your life cannot continue without him? Does he have the keys to your happiness? If so, why?
Com’on girl dig deep – come clean.
If I am way off base, then feel free to tell me to go F myself – I’ve heard worse. You can better sweetie…just dig.. Don’t be afraid, don’t be afraid to show yourself….don’t be afraid to be….YOU…
I bet what you will find once you get past the fear is that YOU are everything that YOU think you are. Stop relying on H –
Oh…if it PMS…then you get a pass for this one…this one only. I’ll mark the date down on my calendar so that next month I know what to expect from you. Just kidding….trying to have a little fun here.
I hope you are having a great weekend.
God Bless, Eric
"The difficulties of Life are intended to make us BETTER,not bitter". "Fear is a prison, where you are the jailer. FREE YOURSELF!" "Life is usually all about how you handle Plan B." - Jack3Beans
Eric- I will comment on your post to me but I first want to write about something awful that my family had to do yesterday...I wasn't going to share this but hell..everyone here already knows so much about me...including my menstrual cycle ; )
As I mentioned before, my father is an alcoholic. He hasn't been doing very well for the past few months. He is 73 and stopped working completely back in April...and has just spiraled out of control. He has peripheral neuropathy due to his drinking and because he isn't working- he is just drinking more and more. He has been severely depressed.
My family has been trying to figure out a way to get him to go for help. He agreed to detox back in November and did very well for a short period of time. For the past few months- he has been increasingly irritable, sad, verbally abusive to my mother, and playing the victim. He also stopped caring for himself..bathing, shaving, etc. (so very sad)
It angers me that there are so few options to get people into rehab. We had two 1) get him to sign himself in or 2) get him arrested and force detox. Unfortunately but fortunately- he threatened my mother yesterday "If I had a gun...I would shoot you". My father has never put a hand on her but we used this as an opportunity to get him some help.
It is such a long story- but we got him arrested for domestic violence. It was heartbreaking to watch my father handcuffed. I don't think he has ever gotten a parking ticket..and here we were having him taken away for a threat we know he would never follow up on. We took these actions at the advice of a crisis specialist, a counselor at an alcohol/drug treatment center, and friends that work at our local police department.
We didn't bail him out to allow him to detox for 24 hours- so he spent the night in jail- just writing this makes me cry. My brothers went and picked him up today and he agreed to go to the rehab center.
This whole experience just made me realize so much..and just reinforced things that I already sort of knew. After we 'all' made the decision to go thru with this plan- my mother almost couldn't go thru with it. For years and years...my mother enabled him..was manipulated by my father...felt sorry for him..was codependent on him. I have watched this my entire life. As an adult, I would think that her putting up with my father was ridiculous. I was doing the same exact thing.
Now I know it isn't enough to just say "this is what I grew up watching..so that is the reason I am the way I am"...but it definitely explains alot. I just need to figure out how to fix this. Probalby answering Eric's and TG's questions would be a good start. God I'm drained!!!!
Lola, what a loving and courageous thing for you and your family to do. It must have been very hard for you all. I do hope that your father is successful in rehab, and going forward from it, this time.
(((Lola)))
M 65 H 64 T 39 & M 36 @ S 12/08 Two Ds
Do you know that the harder thing to do and the right thing to do are usually the same thing? Nothing that has meaning is easy. ~ The Weather Man
I know how hard this was for you and your family. My heart goes out to you and yours. I had to do something similar with my grandmother. She was home alone and had Alzheimer. I could not get her into a nursing home, so at the dr. recommendation I waited for her to "threaten suicide", so I called the cops. I stood there in a small NYC apt while 10 cops came storming in to arrest my little old grannie. It was f*in heartbreaking. She is now safe and in a nursing home. As hard as this was IT needed to be done.
So..don't beat yourself up. Let any guilt that you have go. You did the right thing for you Dad. He will be better for it. So go cry and then pick yourself up...look in the mirror and know this...YOU ARE ONE STRONG CHICK! It take balls to make a call like this. This only shows me the strength you have...it's in you...
Now get back to work and dig deep. Another good book for you... codependent no more.
God Bless, Eric
"The difficulties of Life are intended to make us BETTER,not bitter". "Fear is a prison, where you are the jailer. FREE YOURSELF!" "Life is usually all about how you handle Plan B." - Jack3Beans
Do you some insecurities? Do you feel your not pretty enough? Do you feel your not sexy enough? Do you feel your not smart enough? Do you feel less than him? Do you feel because he is a lawyer that he is better than you? Do you feel that your life cannot continue without him? Does he have the keys to your happiness? If so, why?
I did feel less than him. Not because he was an attorney. My H always wanted to fix me. There was always a better way for me to do things. I was too skinny. I wasn't worldly (I got that until I traveled all over the world for work). Even after I traveled all over the world for work...I didn't experience the places I went enough. I said the wrong things. The way I handled things at work was all wrong. He would tell me I was too nice and too...whatever.
I believed that I did need him...because I couldn't handle things on my own. I started to believe that he did know better and that he was right. Like the text message that he wrote to me several days ago...he wanted better for me- I believed him. Why did I believe him? don't know. I am a pleaser by nature...always have been. I could't please him..I doubted myself. I obviously sometimes still seek his approval. So what is it inside of me that needs this validation? I am not really sure. Any thoughts?
From The Secret Daily Teachings Trying to change someone is a waste of time. The very thought of changing someone is saying that they are not good enough as they are, and it is soaked with judgment and disapproval. That is not a thought of appreciation or love, and those thoughts will only bring separation between you and that person.
You must look for the good in people to have more of it appear. As you look only for the good things in a person, you will be amazed at what your new focus reveals.
