Quotes Found on Divorce Busting (III)

[Ready2Change]

I told my D23 this the other day, and altho I was referring to these tough financial times, I think it applies to marriage and Rs and DBing, too:

"(D23), there's a time for swimming and a time for treading water. Right now, if you're treading water, you're doing pretty well."

It's an offshoot of the "He who fights and runs away, lives to fight another day," with a twist.

Keep treadin' There will be time for swimming again in your future soon enough.

[Ready2Change]

Yup.. let her guilt stew and beat her senseless... This is how people GROW UP... Her mother's been bailing her out all the time so she's never had to process emotional growth yet...

Hurts like hell having to grow up when you are thirty years old. It's a lot easier to do it gradually when you are a child... oh well...

Just remember to throw the TD and get OUT of there... or it becomes a free for all...

Next time she says she needs money :


Filing for divorce without even trying to negotiate with your spouse kinda puts you in a financial bind it does ya... So does lying to your parents

But YOU filed, not the dog... Why is it because YOU want something everyone ELSE has to suffer for it?

[Ready2Change]

Allen A GOOD STATEMENTS For SCRIPT TO WAS:

Stop. We both know you're lying. If that's all you have then I have more important things to attend to. Please excuse me...
Get up to leave...

Puppies classic: I have decided I will no longer lie to cover up your infidelity and destructive behavior.

When you say one thing and do other I have no choice but to protect this family by verifying your claims... Which did indeed turn out as suspected - LIES

Rationalization/re-write "I understand your viewpoint. Thank you for sharing. Please know I see it differently"

But if there is any lying do NOT say Thank you

If the M comes up as part of it "I understand your view. We have had that argument before. It was not constructive and I know now that you can't talk your way to a better marriage. That requires effort; understanding and action. We did none of these"

Our marriage has problems outside of your infidelity. Your choice of response to those problems is to make them WORSE by introducing an interloper to cause a great deal of stress and damage to your reputation, my commitment, and your daughter's well being. Marital problems need to be met with solutions - not lies and cheating.

Your choice - continue cheating and make things worse, or end the cheating and make things better.

The ball's in your court there. Continue cheating and hurting your own children OR make a commitment to solve the problem constructively.

Blame game -"I now know that our marriage wasn't working for either of us and I completely accept my half of the responsibility for that and am sorry for the hurt it caused you. "

I now know that our marriage wasn't satisfactory for you or me. I completely accept my half of the responsibility for that and am sorry for the hurt it caused you. The other half, and your subsequent affair to aggravate those problems is all on you.

OR

I am willing to take ownership of my HALF of our marital problems UP TO the affair. The other 50% of the marital problem and this hurtful affair is ALL YOURS.

The hopelessness of our M/feelings justify A
"It is clear now that we both needed to either agree and work together to completely rebuild our M or it would end. I firmly believe a rebuild was possible but your choices took that option away from me.

We both needed to either work together to rebuild our Marriage or work competitively to destroy each other and our daughter. You made a choice to destroy the marriage instead of repairing it. You chose to drag out daughter through a sleazy affair instead of picking up the phone to call a family therapist or anyone.. anyone instead of going to him and hurting your own family like this.

If the guilt leads her to "friend street", I will kindly decline and say "Perhaps one day we can, but not now"

I cannot allow you to treat me or your daughter like this. Friends do not lie, cheat on, and abandon their friends.

You are no friend to me or your daughter right now - you are just lying and doing a world of damage you will one day be ashamed of. One day you will have to look our daughter in the eye and she will tell you how horrible you've been. That day you will be the most ashamed mother on the planet.

You must be very proud.

"Then all I have to say is this. I will not live in an open marriage. I will not hide your lies or affair. They are disrespectful. I will send you info on a few mediators I have looked into. XXX is the best choice. I will set an appointment for as early in August as possible to finalize up our Separation Agreement. I should have all my banking and documentation gathered by then. You should, too.
Divorce is my last option. It is clear that it is your first and easiest. What you are doing to this family is selfish and irresponsible. But if this is your decision, then you will own the consequences.

I have to go out. See you later."

I will not live in an open marriage. Our daughter will not live in an open marriage. I will not hide your lies or affair. They are disrespectful to me and your daughter, and even to you. A mediator of my choice will be in contact with you very shortly. I will set an appointment as soon as possible to finalize the Separation Agreement. Have all your banking and documentation gathered by then for legal review.

You have a choice to help your family, or destroy it. What you are doing to this family is selfish and irresponsible. But if this is your decision, then you will own the consequences and myself and our daughter will be as far from it as we can get and we won't be looking back.

I have things to do that are a lot more important than listening to your excuses.

[Ready2Change]

...Your intuition about your life is frequently one of the best indicators available. If you suspect your spouse might be cheating on you, do some investigating and then confront him or her with what you've found. Do it in a way that is calm and courteous. Ask for honesty. Be prepared for lies. It is a sad fact that people having affairs become brilliant liars - people who never told a lie before in their lives. Trust your gut...

[Ready2Change]

1. Get proof.

2. Do either:

2a. Aggressive affair-busting (see Allen A's posts); or

2b. "Set her free" (Robx/Gucci approach)

Those are the only two things I've seen work. If #1 turns up nothing, then proceed to 2b.

[Ready2Change]

My wife felt like the last two weeks, where I had dropped the rope, that I was becoming cold and detached. So it's a fine line.

It just means you don't get it yet. Dropping the rope doesn't mean you are cold and detached. It means her problems are her problems, you are busy taking care of yourself, you don't get baited into a fight, you will let her come to you when she is ready, you are responsible for your own happiness and you won't waste energy on pursuing her. Be a cat whisperer.

[Ready2Change]

Yes, it's a personal decision for everyone. I know why my W left. I know what I need to do for my sitch and it's not dating. I can completely understand Gucci's advice about dating though, but again, it's just not for me. I do like Gucci's other advice to me.

I understand about the dating it doesn't mean you can't be mysterious and interact with women. Get on FB and start making friends with some women - DB friends, old HS/college friends, co-workers etc. Go out with your friends to bars, listen to music, festivals. The word will get back to your wife that you are a busy man. You don't have to cross any of your beliefs or values to accomplish the same thing.

It's not about dating, it's about being mysterious and keeping her guessing. If asked, be vague.

Don't make things easy for her. Make things easy for you.

[Ready2Change]

Be careful in the conversation that you do not tell her how she feels. That makes a woman furious! Don't lecture her and try to get her to be reasonable. All those actions point to her needing to be different and makes you look "controlling".

It's more about listening to what she wants. Then it's about what you want. Here's the thing, you want to sound strong and confident in place of being freaked out. You want to sound sure of yourself and not pleading, whiney, etc.

When I was a WAW, the more my H made statements about fighting for our M, or statements like that....it turned me off soooo bad! You don't have to tell her you are standing for the M. If that's what you want....then just do it. I really think the less you say about your feelings....the better.

[Ready2Change]

Wow, just realized that my last post was my 16,999th, and so I figured I'd better post something REALLY MEANINGFUL and INSIGHTFUL for my next one.

So here it is. Call it


"Puppy's Short Version, All-Inclusive Advice" for Waylayed Spouses Who Just Got Bombed"


1. Get proof (of whether or not there's OM/OW). Hint: There almost always is.


2. Do either:

2a. Aggressive affair-busting (see Allen A's posts over in Infidelity)

Allen A's Posts

; or

2b. "Set Them Free" (Robx/Gucci approach)

"Setting Them Free"


Those are the only two things I've seen work. If #1 turns up nothing, then proceed to #2b. And in the meantime, GAL your ass off, and become the better option. Best case, you'll attract them back, and at a minimum you'll become a better person that will be more attractive to SOMEBODY in your next relationship.

Puppy

[Ready2Change]

I just wish everything comes out, so we can move forward. That is what I want. I want all the skeletons to come out, no matter how bad. I just don't know how to get to that point with out flat telling or pressuring her to do so.

Wishing isn't a plan.

"Here is what I need in my marriage___________, ___________, _____________, and________________. If you can't respect that then I have decided that I can't be married to you."

The blanks are the non-negotiable issues. "I won't share you with another man."Joint decisions on how we spend our money."

You then need ways to verify these issues. Transparency: access to each others e-mail, FB, cell phone etc. Weekly discussions about your finances. Find solutions that work for you two.

You steer clear of the emotions by thinking thru the issues. Calm, cool and collected. Lead on brother.