What do you do with a spouse who mostly respects your boundaries but is boundaryless themselves and resort to ultimatums and threats?
You learn the fine DB art of "I'm sorry you feel that way," and you tell them to "do what you feel you have to do," and you -- as someone noted above -- instead do "The Right Thing to Do."
It also depends on what their stated consequences are, and what your options are -- Strengths, Weaknesses, Opportunities and Threats (the classic business "SWOT" exercise). Some hands you hold are stronger than others, and sometimes you have to acquiesce to even a poorly-stated ultimatum, if your options are less than desireable.
So my response was a little pansyish. I was stalling for time as I know when he gets in these "snits" he's not thinking clearly and is likely to do something rash. I have a lawyer ready to go - I didn't feel the need to tell him. I also know there is a 6 mos lag in my county for required mediation when chidlren are involved unless both parties waive it.
However, this is not a healthy M. I need him to stop with the threats or move on. Help me get there. The yelling, name calling and silent treatment stopped with boundaries. I can't seem to stop the threats.
He: WAH Me: LBW Precious: DD
~ I'm grateful for every day I have to improve the way I relate.
The yelling, name calling and silent treatment stopped with boundaries. I can't seem to stop the threats.
This is how he copes when he feels out of control. People feel in control when they have choices and can decide for themselves. "If that is what you think is best for you then do it." When you argue/defend he feels like you are deciding. Let his problems be his problems.
M22,H45,W45 S21/18D12 Retain faith that you will prevail in the end, regardless of the difficulties and at the same time confront the most brutal facts of your current reality, whatever they might be.
"If that is what you think is best for you then do it." When you argue/defend he feels like you are deciding.
If I say that, he will view it as a challenge, which will prompt him to move forward. His self esteem is so low (which I can't figure out why other then it stems back to childhood)that he gets defensive very easily. When he gets in these moods, I try to steer clear until they pass. Thus my effort to stall with my reply.
He: WAH Me: LBW Precious: DD
~ I'm grateful for every day I have to improve the way I relate.
How can someone be defensive if you agree with them?
I understand
You are right
Do what you need to do
That's your choice
If you feel that way then I understand
M22,H45,W45 S21/18D12 Retain faith that you will prevail in the end, regardless of the difficulties and at the same time confront the most brutal facts of your current reality, whatever they might be.
If you feel that is what you need to do then I understand.
M22,H45,W45 S21/18D12 Retain faith that you will prevail in the end, regardless of the difficulties and at the same time confront the most brutal facts of your current reality, whatever they might be.
When he presses/threatens me again I will do that. Maybe he'll just go file. It's out of my control, but I"m not going to be rushed into this very serious issue re our M.
He: WAH Me: LBW Precious: DD
~ I'm grateful for every day I have to improve the way I relate.
Do you think a healthy R can be had with a boundaryless person?
Not at all.
I agree with G on that.
M22,H45,W45 S21/18D12 Retain faith that you will prevail in the end, regardless of the difficulties and at the same time confront the most brutal facts of your current reality, whatever they might be.
