Thanks Eric...I know this is all normal...but it SUX!!!!
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Now, if I could just get the SOB out of my dreams!
OMG- I don't dream of my H very often but last night he was the leading actor. I woke up this morning feeling so very uncomfortable. I can't even remember what they were about...but like spare change...he was ALWAYS there...no matter where I was.
Some days- I am so thrilled that I bought the house...and I love everything about it..and I do feel very fortunate. Other days- I feel like I am just torturing myself living in the house WE built together.
I finally got my 3rd bedroom put together. We never really did anything with it..we had other house projects going on...but I decided this was probably my cheapest, quickest change. I still need to add some plants (love them), a couple of throw pillows, and perhaps an area rug. Even though it is MY room- it makes me sad to not share it with him...he always had similar taste- he would have loved it.
Yeah it sucks. Key is to LEARN from this. Realize where you went wrong in the M and then change it. Change it not for you H - for YOU. This type of self honesty and reflection is difficult. Does it make the pain go away..no not right away..What is does it help you grow and realize all that you can be. It helps you realize that in your next R, which could be with you H, that you will be better. A better person, which will ultimately make you a better wife, a better friend.
I have said this many times...do not run from the pain. Do not forget where you were. It is easy to blame everyone else..it's much harder to be honest with yourself. Do this Lola and everything in your life will come out fine.
God Bless, Eric
"The difficulties of Life are intended to make us BETTER,not bitter". "Fear is a prison, where you are the jailer. FREE YOURSELF!" "Life is usually all about how you handle Plan B." - Jack3Beans
I am a glutton for punishment...I was having a slow afternoon at work- so I started reviewing old emails....back from 2000.
Some of them made me sad...emails around planning our wedding. Year after year of planning birthday dinners for eachother and family members. Organizing dinner parties. Planning vacations. I definitely didn't save all my emails between me and my H- because I remember being told at work several times that my mail size was exceeding policy....so I deleted large amounts at different periods throughout the years.
I have been pretty down the past couple of days to begin with- so going thru these emails was just asking for heartache.
Finally I got up to 2008...around the start of his A- so many nasty emails from him. I saw a text message from the OW during this time saying 'Meet me there'. I never expected him to be cheating so he was able to talk his way out of it...talk me out of it. I was having a really difficult time believing him and he was telling me that I was paranoid..and that he couldn't live with not being trusted... Then there were the apologetic emails that I would send in return...saying 'you are right..I want to trust you...and support you at work (OW worked there)'...etc etc etc.
Then reading up to D-day 1 and 2...and then the subsequent emails that followed...those same feelings came rushing back. How could it be so raw so many months after. It made me sick to my stomach reading all of them.
Although it was heart wrenching..it has actually made me feel a little bit better surprisingly. Being away from the situation..away from H- I cannot believe the way he spoke to me. 'Call the damn accountant'...'pick up the f'n phone'. I feel somewhat relieved. You don't realize how dysfunctional things are until you are outside of the situation.
Reading those emails also made me feel close to him again..in a weird way. I probably need to just get rid of them...delete!! But I just can't seem to let them go yet.
You don't realize how dysfunctional things are until you are outside of the situation.
This ^^^^^ is why you detach.
Once you are detached enough you can begin to look at the old M in a slightly different way. Hopefully you will really identify and determine YOUR role in what happend. Then you can truly identify the things that YOU want to change about YOU and being the process of changing them or as other would say - killing them. At this point the change become what YOU want for YOU as opposed to what you feel YOU need to change to get your H back. It is an interesting time. One filled with pain, relief, joy and a ton of other emotions. This is the "work"!
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But I just can't seem to let them go yet.
You will in time. In YOUR time.
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pretty down the past couple of days to begin with
You will have these moments. Hell I still have'em about once a week. I found what helps me is to focus on something else. If I begin to think about the R...i try to think about the good times as opposed to the bad times. When I do this I realize that it was not all bad and I give thanks for the good times that we did have. These feelings then prompt more compassion for my W. More understanding.
If you have not read it...try and pick up the journey from abondoment to healing. A great book.
God Bless, Eric
"The difficulties of Life are intended to make us BETTER,not bitter". "Fear is a prison, where you are the jailer. FREE YOURSELF!" "Life is usually all about how you handle Plan B." - Jack3Beans
If you have not read it...try and pick up the journey from abondoment to healing. A great book.
I have to second this. I read it once straight through, and am now rereading it one section at a time, stopping after each for a few days to practice the steps. Very helpful.
M 65 H 64 T 39 & M 36 @ S 12/08 Two Ds
Do you know that the harder thing to do and the right thing to do are usually the same thing? Nothing that has meaning is easy. ~ The Weather Man
I ordered it last night from Amazon. My self help book collection is growing exponentially. The next relationship I am in...the guy is either going to think- This is one crazy biatch!!! or This is one self aware, evolved woman. It could go either way lol.
As a dude...if he has not been through this process then he is going to think...."This is one crazy biatch".
Either way, you'll be able to DB his butt right away. I have often thought about this in my sitch...my next R (be it with W or not)...will be very very different. The one thing I am sure of is this...If I hear something along the line of "I need to find myself" - well I'm packing my sh*t and leaving!
On a serious note, I hope you enjoy the book. It is a very good read. Very good. It soooo helped me understand everything that I went thru when the bomb was initially dropped.
God Bless, Eric
"The difficulties of Life are intended to make us BETTER,not bitter". "Fear is a prison, where you are the jailer. FREE YOURSELF!" "Life is usually all about how you handle Plan B." - Jack3Beans
The one thing I am sure of is this...If I hear something along the line of "I need to find myself" - well I'm packing my sh*t and leaving!
LMAO ... I've thought the same thing, almost ... mine went more like, if I hear "I need to find myself" my response is likely to be something like "Oh, you'll find yourself alright ... at the bottom of the river!!!"
Just kiddin'. Kinda
PEI
Holding onto anger to punish someone else, is like lighting yourself on fire to get smoke in their eyes ~ 25yearsmlc
Thanks Lance That was an interesting article. I cannot wait to get the book.
So I backslid and texted my H last night. I have had a rough couple of days..just very teary and emotional. PMS- hopefully...or else perhaps I am depressed??!!!!
I wrote "dueling ipods solo is a win win". Me and my H always would sit around and play dueling ipods. This started a back and forth that lasted almost 3 hours. For the most part...it was joking back and forth. Then I asked about the papers- and the conversation kind of took a turn slightly south.
He mentioned he didn't want adultery again. I asked him to give me the divorce I am asking for- after the abuse and adultery..please. He said he didn't abuse me...he said "I am hurt that you feel this way. Maybe sometimes I said things I shouldnt have said but for u to say that..it is unfair. I had an affair. It was terrible wrong but I always wanted what was best for you. Always worked or tried to help u broaden urself and your experiences...always tried to make u better or more knowledgeable or more intellectually curious."
I thought to myself- by constantly telling me what was wrong with me and putting me down???? I just responded..."you did the best that you could". Ughh!!! why did I engage. I feel worse than I did before.
