I cannot answer the question of why you allowed this. The answer is really in YOU. What I can offer you is some perspective on what your H MAY have been going thru.
I don't know if I ever posted this before but sometime I wonder if I was not the one in a MLC right before the bomb. I can tell you this - prior to the bomb I was very depressed. Very. So maybe I can "understand" what your H may have been feeling.
His treatment of you was similar to how I treated my W. What he cannot tell you is that HE is the one that is insecure. He is the one that is not worldly. He is the one that has some issues that HE needs to deal with. In order to deal with them, your husband would wear a mask. A mask of strength. A mask of worldly. A mask. This mask allow him to maintain the aura that YOU felt attracted to. He may have felt that he needed to keep this facade up or he would lose you. He was scared and so he needed to control you.
To control you. He needed to belittle you. He needed to make YOU feel not worthy. He needed to feed his fear. When his insecurity would act up. He needed to control you. To keep you in that place where you just kept trying to love him. You have no idea how scared he was. None. You think he is strong and on one hand he is BUT his strength is spent wearing his mask. His strength is spent controlling you so that you would not see the real him. The real him that is sooo scared.
As much as we tell you....you need to realize that this is really an issue that your H will need to deal with. Nothing you do can help. On the contrary - show him all this love, keep showing him that you will be there for him and you do nothing BUT feed his insecurity. Don't feed it. Is it hard? Yep.
If you love your H. Let him go and let him go NOW. The sooner he can start his journey the better off he will be. He may run, he may not wanyt to deal with it for a long time BUT one day he will. I am almost sure of it. How can I say this - cause I'm living breathing proof.
Finally, while he is doing his thing - you do yours. You keep digging.
Are you the oldest child? Did you have to play the role of mommy? Did you always put others before yourself? Were you too nice to everyone? Why are you a people pleaser?
Maybe somewhere along the way you too became lost. Maybe you never grew in some areas? I don't know. What I do know is this...
You keep digging until you find the answer. Do not run sweetie. Face this. Face this for YOU and.....for the man that deep down you still love.
God Bless Eric
"The difficulties of Life are intended to make us BETTER,not bitter". "Fear is a prison, where you are the jailer. FREE YOURSELF!" "Life is usually all about how you handle Plan B." - Jack3Beans
Lola, SO true everything he has said....I will offer this also as it gave me some insight to the R between a man and a woman. PEI rcomended this book so kudos to her. (check is in the mail)
"How to improve your marriage without talking about it" was very eye opening t me. It really explains the fear and shame we experience as adults and addresses the childhood years also.
Cheers
Formerly "missherlove"
Me49 XW49 M17 T19 S16 D20
Expose yourself to your deepest fear; after that, fear has no power, and the fear of freedom shrinks and vanishes. You are free.
thanks Eric My H has always been like this as far as I can tell. His family told me of his behavior...he was the same way as a child...before his father's death. His best friend that he went to college and law school with said he was the guy that would put other people down to make himself feel good....and he always needed to have his way. He is difficult. He can be a complete SOB. We loved him even knowing this about him. I think this behavior became magnified as a result of an MLC?
I agree with you about the insecurity...and thank you for sharing what you were feeling at that time.
I know I cannot help him. All along in our R...it seemed like low times were always followed up by high times...and I would think to myself- he realizes what an a$$ he can be and he worked it out. He would always proclaim himself to be very self aware...Even currently...those several months during our separation where he was a monster...are now in the past..and he is a nice guy again. That is what I always clung to. It is easy to forget how terrible he was when he follows it up with good behavior.
I read an article on NPD...trigger events such as divorce, job loss etc typically causes a narcissist to change their ways. They are kind and nice etc. This is to feed their narcissistic supply...they require that narcissistic supply so they try to get back into good standings. The changes that they make are not real..or permanent. It is to make themselves feel good again...but the narcissism is still there- and will show up again.
My H has always been like this as far as I can tell.
These are the demons that he needs to slay. I am not sure what exactly they are..only he does.
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I read an article on NPD...trigger events such as divorce, job loss etc typically causes a narcissist to change their ways. They are kind and nice etc. This is to feed their narcissistic supply...they require that narcissistic supply so they try to get back into good standings.
Hence you detach..you work on you because really only time will tell if he has indeed done the work on himself. If indeed he has searched himself and finally faced those demons.
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The changes that they make are not real..or permanent. It is to make themselves feel good again...but the narcissism is still there- and will show up again.
You know I have to say that the above quote struck a cord in me. Maybe I need to look at it. I find it a bit defeatist IMO. It comes across as one of those statements that say “people don’t change”. I say bull. About 18 years ago I was a drug addict. I was told and my W was told “he will never change”. In a few months I cleaned up. I have never taken drugs again. Never. Maybe I am the exception to the rule. I do not know. What I do know is that anything is possible. That anyone can change their destiny and that sometime they just need a reason.
Time Lola…time…only time will tell if your H has indeed made the changes in himself. The question to YOU is….can you wait. Will you wait. Can you outlast his crisis? Can you sit back and be a light that your H can see and maybe come home too.
Lola – there is nothing wrong with saying NO I can’t wait. Nothing wrong with it.
Finally, narcissist, MLCer, WAS, WAH, sick in the F’in head – none of this should change the work that YOU need to do on YOU.
God Bless, Eric
"The difficulties of Life are intended to make us BETTER,not bitter". "Fear is a prison, where you are the jailer. FREE YOURSELF!" "Life is usually all about how you handle Plan B." - Jack3Beans
never. We were all close in age...within 3 years (twin brothers)....but I was very overprotective of my brothers for some reason.
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Did you always put others before yourself?
not everyone...but definitely the men I dated and the one I married.
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Were you too nice to everyone?
I don't think I am too nice to everyone but I don't think I really understood the importance of establishing boundaries. I honestly never gave them much thought before going thru all of this. I was always like 'whatever'..'no big deal'...which sometimes allowed others to take advantage.
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Why are you a people pleaser?
I have several theories about this. I am the middle child. I think to stand out among them- I always tried to do well in school, help with the cleaning, pick weeds with dad. I wasn't an easy child- I was very independent and quite opinionated at times. I was tough. I was also the middle child in an alcoholic family. My older brother took on the rebellious role, my twin brothers are the clowns..they are hysterical, I was the over achiever. Lastly, my mother is a people pleaser. She is selfless to a fault. Culturally she was 'trained' to cater to men.
It comes across as one of those statements that say “people don’t change”. I say bull.
I too, don't believe that people cannot change. Unfortunately, it looks like with NPD- the chance for change is extremely low for some reason. I don't know. Most IC's won't even treat it...and treatment is usually aimed at educating family and friends in dealing with the NPD individual.
Perhaps it is the absence of empathy. Even though they know the harm they cause by their behavior...they really don't feel badly about it. They know they should feel bad- but they really don't FEEL it.
But I am typically in agreement with you Eric.....for NPD- I am just basing this statement on everything that I read but don't have many real life experiences to back it up.
I have read the same about a NPD person. Those therapists who do try to treat it have a very low success rate. You just can't give someone something that they were born without.
Before reading and learning about MLC, I thought my H was a narcissist. In reading I realized that you don't just develop it later in life, that it was always present. My H didn't act like that until MLC hit. Sure he had flashes, but I believe we all have some tendencies. It's part of being human.
I believe the MLCer displays more tendencies of it during the crisis. They are all about themselves and don't seem to care who they hurt as long get what they want. I believe it's the selfishness that's the core of the damage that is done.
So, am I reading right that you believe your H was NPD right along?
SA- I think he was... I have never dealt with a narcissist before so I am not 100% sure. A lot of what I read seems so extreme. My H had most traits but not to the extreme that most articles mention.
I also felt like with my H...he knew enough to keep it in check in front of outside people..for the most part. That is why I am just not sure if he is just innately selfish. He is used to getting his way. He is used to being admired. He is used to being put above others. His mother made sure he felt that way.
I bought a book on narcissism back in September of last year- while we were still together. I wasn't really sure after finishing the book..then when we separated and he went to IC several times- he was told that he lacked empathy. Then he quit IC saying that he knew more than him anyway and didnt need it. Then my IC sensed those traits in his personality too.
I would always joke with my H "I am thinking of you...and you are thinking of you...who is thinking of me?". It was work for him to put me before him. He was able to do it at times..but I think he would put me first occassionally because he knew it was the right thing to do..but not actually because he wanted to. And sometimes when he did put me first...he would be grumpy about it...which made me not even want to be put first to avoid the grumpiness.
An example of this would be....my brother's wedding several years back. My brother's wedding was already planned..me and H are in the wedding party etc etc. We come to find out later, one of H's best friends planned his 2nd wedding that weekend and it is a destination wedding. My H asked if my brother could change his wedding date. Of course he couldn't. We ended up going to his friends wedding destination for a few days..I flew home early for the rehersal dinner. H didn't fly home with me...but flew home the morning of the wedding. He was grumpy. It just wasn't what HE wanted to do..so he was grumpy about it.
Now is he just selfish? don't know. When my IC asked if his mother appeared narcississtic...I said i didn't think so...but then I remembered all the photos of herself that she had up in the house...and she used to carry around a high school picture of herself in her wallet. She said it would make her smile. We would laugh at her thinking she was nuts. But hmmmm. I don't know
DID you put other before yourself? not everyone...but definitely the men I dated and the one I married.
I wonder why? Maybe a lack of self worth and lack of self?
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I don’t think I really understood the importance of establishing boundaries
Do you understand now because it is the here and now that really matters?
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it looks like with NPD- the chance for change is extremely low for some reason
Low BUT not impossible and based on your response to SA it looks like you are not really sure. Maybe he is just a selfish sob (sorry). Who knows? Either way does it really matter to YOU if YOU are working on YOU (please note the lack of a “HE” or HIM).
Lola – I’ll say the same thing that I said to lala (damn lola…lala….you ladies are killing me LOL). I am no expert but it seems like you lacked a sense of self in your life. Maybe it had to do with your childhood, with your Dad (BTW how is he?) – I am not sure. Like I said earlier, does it matter right now. Your future is in front of you. The opportunity to really define yourself is in front of you. IMO – you need to do this for you right now. You need to live for YOU and YOU alone.
Maybe if you really stop thinking about everything that could be wrong with him you can really dig into what caused some of your behavior. Just saying.
BTW – are you working with your IC on some of the reason why you allowed this?
Keep digging girl…It will come lola…it will come.
Eric
"The difficulties of Life are intended to make us BETTER,not bitter". "Fear is a prison, where you are the jailer. FREE YOURSELF!" "Life is usually all about how you handle Plan B." - Jack3Beans
