You are absolutely correct! No one said not to detach. Not to protect oneself. Absolutely! That is not the issue. PEI is detaching and is doing a great job. This is a debate about marriage, vows, committment.
Just about every spouse on all of these forums "needs help". Does that mean all the LBS's should walk away?
I don't think so.
My point about mental illness is that you can't blame the person who has a mental illness for their actions. They need help without any question. I totally understand that by walking away you feel that you are helping them. Just don't blame them!
One last thing - What I am trying to explain and maybe I have not been clear. When your husbands MLC is over. He will maybe, look out the window and say where is PEI? Oh she divorced me and moved on with her life. That door is closed, at that point. He will not come looking for you. You will have a self fufilling prophesy at that point because you have shut the door. That is all I am trying to say. If that is what you want. I will not stand in your way. Shut the door. You will be right I will be wrong. No problem.
I am just wondering by all of what you have written if that is what you really want? You speak about unconditional love. I agree that you must act "as if" he is never coming back. You must live your life for you, for your children. I am just asking are you sure you want to shut the door? Are you totally confident that he is gone.
Even if one is "not of their right mind," one must still do what they need to in order to protect themselves.
I wish that I did not know this from such vivid experience...
Think of the most horrible thing that someone you love can do to themselves...
Ok
Then
What can YOU do?
1) Join in the fun/horror 2) Try to fix/control/correct 3) detach and move on... 4) Detach with love, understanding and compassion.
#4 is what we advocate here and it is a process that takes time
BUT
brings the person down a path of personal growth and healing with the greatest efficacy. ( sorry no statistics available)
IMO.
The point of contention is whether we are at #3 or #4 or #3 1/2?
In any case I believe you definitely must protect yourself which is the whole point to the advice given here to detach and protect yourself, legally, emotionally, and financially...
and any other way you might be screwed.
My goal is to some day be the person my dog thinks I am
In any case I believe you definitely must protect yourself which is the whole point to the advice given here to detach and protect yourself, legally, emotionally, and financially...
TG,
Good post. I do think that it should be pointed out that some states -- like mine (FL) -- do NOT offer legal separation. So ultimately deciding to file for divorce is sometimes the only way one can fully protect themselves "legally, emotionally, and financially."
In my mind, the difference between #3 and #4 is, "Am I, and my family, being needlessly HARMED by my wayward spouse's continued actions?" If the answer is "yes," and you think you've given it every shot, I do think there comes a point where you need to protect your family.
I guess I see 3 and 4 a little differently. I think you can file out of necessity (PEI also does not offer legal separation) yet still be number 4, if you are still emotionally invested and standing. The legal process does not alter that. I also think that 3.5 could be defined as detach, love unconditionally, be compassionate, and eventually, when the time is right, move on.
It seems to me that somewhere along the way, someone got the impression that I was proceeding legally? Not so. At least not yet, but like Puppy says, if I have to protect myself for financial reasons etc then I will.
Peace PEI
Holding onto anger to punish someone else, is like lighting yourself on fire to get smoke in their eyes ~ 25yearsmlc
Not supporting? At least for me I don't feel that way.
Again coming from my own experience which also supports the advice given on this board...
There is a difference between moving on and moving forward.
In my first M my W had multiple affairs to which I finally said
enough.
I moved on.
I detached.
I felt like I healed BUT
There was lingering anger, doubt, and resentment.
So not really complete healing. (#3)
And that is my point between #3 and #4 Both are decisions maybe to move on (I also view both as part of standing as well)
I would submit that it is progression from #3 to #4.
The difference in my opinion is in the completeness of the growth and healing process.
Which MUST happen to be healthy and have successful meaningful relationships going forward...
Maybe with spouse, maybe not.
If you are making a decision to move on as a reaction to something your spouse did to you or some deal breaker then you haven't healed from that.
You will carry that anger on into the future WHEN you HAVE to deal with it.
Only PEI knows inside whether this is true.
Whether she has slain all the dragons...
So
From my POV I am here to give the benefit of my experience and point out my own observations with the goal of healing and growth for anyone coming here for advice.
So support or not support really is irrelevent. If she has healed and gown in her new self she would not care whether I support or not. She would not need it.
She would know it.
My expectation of PEI if I have any at all is that she listens to what is said here and makes her choices based on her core, of who she is, and without, anger, doubt or resentment etc.
Only she knows that and it is for no one's benefit but hers.
Anything else falls short of the mark IMO.
Anything less then you are lying to yourself.
Last edited by Truegritter; 07/25/1003:41 PM.
My goal is to some day be the person my dog thinks I am
I also think that 3.5 could be defined as detach, love unconditionally, be compassionate, and eventually, when the time is right, move on.
I think this is honestly the first time I've quoted myself!!!
And now I'm changing my mind ... that isn't 3.5 ... it's #5. Because it comes after #4. Not before.
PEI- I agree with you that this is #5. For over 3 years, I did my best to understand my H and have compassion for what he has been going through. I finally got to the point where I had to move on for me. I believe it became unhealthy for me to accept everything on my H's terms...him having the relationship when he wanted it and then he had no commitment or obligation when he didn't. I made the decision to put an end to the relationship a couple of months ago and at least for me, moving on is difficult too but I feel better about me now. I truly admire people who have the patience to indefinitely be a #4 but ultimately you have to do what is right for you.
