8, there is nothing wrong with hope. Just don't let it drive you crazy and make you analyse every little thing to see some positive in it.
I like your attitude.
Thank you, kara. It is VERY easy to analyze and over-analyze things or try to read into things to look for some hint of affection or signs that he might relent. I work hard not to get carried away with these kinds of ideas.
Kara put it the best! Hope is ok as long as its within the paramenters of a sensible expectation.. Its ok to hope youre prince will find you, but its not ok to waste a perfectly good life waiting for him!
Wonderful words, LR! Love the way you said this.
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My H came home, its been the hardest six months I have ever survived and believe me we have had some other testing times! Just to put your expectations in perspective, it WONT EVER BE THE SAME! It COULD be better but it will be months/year before it gets to that..
I'm glad you said this. I need to accept that my life will NEVER be the same, whether he comes back or stays gone forever. Those times are gone, and that's that.
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You are a lovely lady and your H is a plonker not seeing what a fantastic woman he has under his nose and he is stupidily letting go! Having said that why keep such a fantastic woman under lock and key of unrequited hope... I can hear Mindfull screaming NOOOOOOOOOOOOO from this side of the ocean! Hope is fine, sensible expectation fine if you can keep it sensible but the key word as always on this board is DETACH, you will need if he doesnt come back and its really needed twice as much if they do come back!
Detach. Yes. Detach. And yes, he's a plonker. Why hasn't anyone told him this??
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So thats the sum of my wisdom, your probably sat there going WHAT LOL! (())
I LOVE your wisdom! I'm so glad you shared these things. I need to hear that it's not all rainbows and glittery dreams if the WAS ever does return. Thanks for popping in!
I AM A HOME IMPROVEMENT SAGE, LUMINARY, AND GENIUS.
WHAT POSSESSED ME TO THINK THIS?
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I started working in my living room on Sunday, as I am in home-makeover mode.
Foolish. Foolish. Foolish.
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Remarkable accomplishments:
*painted living room walls (BIG room; got paint in hair yet again, though amount minimal) *put together incredibly attractive ladder-style bookcase; have found myself to be unusually skilled at using an Allen wrench *used caulk gun to do minor repairs; showed extreme talent with this, too (despite long, snaky drips of caulk intermittently squirted on floor) *applied wood filler to holes in new wood trim around new back doors ("new" meaning March); primed wood with amazing skill and precision; painting will commence this evening *removed books from built-in bookcases; organized books on floor by author and/or genre; painted bookcases with glossy paint that will match the trim I am going to repaint in the coming days (oil-based paint slightly more difficult to get out of hair) *hung two new dramatic pieces of artwork that each depict a single koi in a pond *also hung a set of circular mirrors; still need to wipe off fingerprints from mirrors and patch holes (I readjusted and rehung a few times) *placed new tin sign I received on mantle, though it will find a permanent home on bookshelves. Sign reads, "Hell Hath No Fury Like a Woman Scorned"
When I wrote those things, I still had some sense about me. That quickly went out the window, perhaps from my excessive exposure to paint fumes or my overestimation of my home improvement abilities (combined with my underestimation of how long these improvements would take).
A summary of my drawn-out endeavors:
*painted wood trim around back doors; still pleased with glorious, gleaming surface *noticed that wood trim touches baseboards; realized that baseboards should be painted, too, for consistency reasons *began to paint baseboards of 500+ sq. ft. room; realized that baseboards touch the trim around door that leads to hallway; painted trim around this door, too *continued to paint baseboards; came to baseboards that touch wood around front door; painted this, too *carefully placed oil-based paint can lid out of the way as I painted; moments later, sat on paint can lid *painted built-in bookshelves after handyman neighbor reinforced a few bowed/sagging shelves; noticed that bookshelves are very close to crown molding (10 feet from the floor); obviously had to paint crown molding, too *organized 551 books on bookshelves in most attractive arrangement *while painting crown molding, had this thought: "How hard could it BE to paint a ceiling?" Oh. No. *ordered new chair for living room; assembled it (correctly!) as Boxer dog plotted his first nap on it *have begun to plan ways to improve my kitchen; feel like I could paint cabinets with relative ease
Other recent events:
*trimmed tomato plants that have grown to 6+ feet high *mowed lawn regularly in blazing, unearthly heat *took Boxer dog for "paw"dicure; was asked to wait where he couldn't see me after pawdicurist grew tired of his prancing and wiggling each time he looked over and saw me *allowed 15-year-old half-brother to talk me into purchasing two frogs; can't believe allowed myself to be swayed by his compelling argument as to why frogs should live with me; now purchase live crickets on a weekly basis *cavorted with friends several times each week
Next post--special moments with family. Lunatic uncle strikes again.
Characters: father, 15-year-old half-brother, [former step]sister, [former step]brother, grandmother, grandmother's boyfriend, lunatic uncle, father's best friend and best friend's wife, 67-year-old family friend (who was a first-time attendee), Boxer dog, and me
Menu: Grilled/smoked meats and poultry (12 chicken quarters, 20 slabs of ribs, 10 pounds of Kielbasa, 5 pounds of what looked like a hunk of bologna), various side dishes (baked beans, cheese potatoes, deviled eggs, etc.), homemade chocolate ice cream, coconut cake, and assorted beverages
Scene: longest night of my life
Excitement, low points, and mortifying moments:
*upon my arrival, father told me that there was a 10-pound bag of potatoes that he had purchased for me, waiting in the kitchen; he "remembered" how I like cheese potatoes. Translation: Get in the kitchen and make cheese potatoes, dammit. *sister texted to ask if I had already arrived; she didn't know if she should drive around and kill time for a little bit longer *grandmother and boyfriend arrived [Note to reader: boyfriend only one in attendance who doesn't know of my marital "situation" for obvious reasons]; boyfriend roared, "Where's your better half?" My response: "At piano practice. The big recital is coming up." [Note to reader: H is not musical. H has never played an instrument, and he certainly has never played the piano. H has never expressed an interest in learning to play the piano. I have never suggested to H that he learn to play the piano. I don't know why I said this. Half-brother choked on chip and dip. Sister got up and left the room. Boyfriend told me mind-numbing story about the time he purchased an electric organ.] *lunatic uncle arrived, trying to create a stir by playing his SUV radio loudly in driveway. No stir resulted. Further tried to engage other attendees by saying, "This song is AWWWWWWWWsuuum, man." Still no stir. *father's best friend and best friend's wife arrive; after greeting father at his post at one of the three grills/smokers he had going, they enter the house to deliver their edible contribution and prepare their brown-liquor drinks. Upon seeing father's best friend, boyfriend shouts, "What's wrong with your head? There's a lot more forehead there, and it's shiny. Have you lost MORE hair? It sure looks like it! Your hairline is WAY back there now." Half-brother kicked me as sister told me to close my gaping mouth. *half-brother began to speculate as to what kind of $50,000 car father will purchase for him for his 16th birthday next month (half-brother has forgotten that father will only spend premium bucks on red meat, brown liquor, illegally manufactured moonshine, or lawyers). Lunatic uncle's contribution: "Hell, don't worry about getting no new car yet. Here's the best advice I can give you--as SOON as you turn 18, what you need to do is buy yourself a brand-new truck and about 4 or 5 handguns. Then you'll be set." Lunatic uncle then looked at me, we made eye contact, and he said, "What???? That's d@mn good advice." *during consumption of meal, lunatic uncle took a break from gnawing on rib bones to tell me this: "Me and my buddy have still been doing some repo work. We take that tow truck all OVER the place. [Insert long, tedious story here.] My buddy's still got his eye on you, Boo. We tried to call you when we was out towing one night. And you know, he may just beat that illegal manufacture and distribution of steroids thing. They SURE can't touch him for using, though." *moments after meal was completed, boyfriend started pacing and using a broken-record manner of speaking to say, "You ready, [grandmother]? You about ready to go? You ready? We leaving? You ready to go?" Grandmother rolled her eyes and told him he would have to wait until the ice cream maker had finished. She screeched that she needed some ICE CREAM. [Note to reader: ice cream maker had been done for an hour. Grandmother knew this.] *father berated guests for not eating enough; called his best friend a [edited for content] for not eating more food; father also looked at me, looked me up and down, and shouted, "CHEESEBURGER!" *half-brother, sister, brother, and I skipped and frolicked in yard with sparklers; father rested on patio while loudly describing ways the "fat cats" in our town irritate and displease him
Labor Day will be here before I know it. Labor Day = another family cookout.
PRODUCTIVE INTERACTIONS WITH THE INTERNAL REVENUE SERVICE
I recently received a letter from the IRS (actually addressed to my late mother). Upon opening it, I discovered that the IRS is displeased that my mother did not file her 2008 tax return and would like to resolve this matter as quickly as possible.
My mother died in 2006.
I called the IRS, and unfortunately, my mood did not improve after being on hold for more than 20 minutes. Here is the result of my phone call:
Me: Hello, my name is [Number 8], and I received a letter about my late mother's 2008 tax return. She passed away in 2006, so I can't imagine that she needs to file a return.
IRS: I see. And has she authorized you to speak on her behalf?
Me: Again, she's deceased. So no, she hasn't given me permission to speak to you about this today.
IRS: Do you have power of attorney?
Me: No, I do not. Typically that's for living people.
IRS: Well, without her permission, I'm not sure there's much I can do to help you today.
Me: I don't mean to sound flippant, so forgive me. I'm all you're going to get as far as this matter is concerned. She's deceased. It was a surprise to all of us, my mother included. I won't be able to get permission from her for this. I'm all you're going to get.
IRS: Hmmm. Let me think. What year did she die?
Me: 2006. February of that year.
IRS: Okay. Hmmm. Let me ask you this--is there a chance she earned any money in 2008?
Me: What???
IRS: We don't have a tax return for 2008. Is there a chance she earned any money that year?
Me: I'm sorry. What????
IRS: It was just a thought.
Me: Well, thank you very much for your help. Have a nice afternoon.
IRS: You can always write us a letter and explain this situation. That might help.
Setting: Local Cracker Barrel on a summer morning at breakfast time
Characters: Half-brother and me
Scene: Characters have entered Cracker Barrel for purpose of enjoying country-style breakfast; before being seated, characters mill about aimlessly in gift shop area
Brother: Buy me this.
Me: You don't need a John Deere tractor shirt. You've never even seen a John Deere tractor in real life.
Brother: Whatever. Then buy me this.
Me: Why do you need a bird feeder?
Brother: I guess I don't. Buy me this toy.
Me: [idly shaking Magic 8 Ball I've picked up] No. You don't need a raccoon puppet, either.
Brother: [watching me shake Magic 8 Ball] Just put it down. Don't even bother asking. He's NOT coming back.
Me: What? OHHHHHHHHH! Good one, you little jerk! [Brother evades slap aimed at back of his head by running behind elaborate candle display.]
This kid. It's a good thing I have a good sense of humor. For that matter, it's a good thing he does, too. His comments amuse me to no end. [Please recall his "H = Voldemort" reference and "big D = Douche bag husbands" comment. Truly hilarious.]
Recap of previous months' moments: *H here in home on 5/30 to pack things and remove them (only drop in bucket compared to things still here); 5/30 last time physically seen or actually spoken to H *6/8 H sends text with excessive amounts of exclamation points and well wishes; also explains he paid cell phone bill (both of ours in his name) and put small amount of money in joint account for insurance payments; I thank him *6/11 H sends text: "Hiya! How are you?" I respond and reciprocate question. He says he is doing well. He says he has a package coming to the house and would like for me to inform him when it arrives. I ask if it has anything live in it, and he answers "spiders." Funny guy. He also says not to let them out of the box, no matter what they say. *6/14 Package arrives. I text H to let him know. My text says, "Package here." He texts, "Thanks! Will it fit in the mailbox so I can get it tonight after work?" I say that it will. He responds, "Thanks!" [Note to reader: The exclamation points are not well received by me. I can't explain it. They just aren't.] *6/16 H texts, "Hello, how are you today? Thanks for putting that in the mailbox. I'm expecting a my last paycheck from [previous job]. Will you let me know when it comes please?" I agree to let him know. *6/18 H texts, "Any mail for me?" I respond that it did not come (but hadn't yet run today) and that I thought he and his family were out of town on vacation (information learned from sister-in-law, not him). He says that they leave tonight, and I wish them a nice trip. He texts, "Thanks! How's your summer vacation so far?" [Note to reader: His interest strikes me as suspicious, as he has not asked many questions of me or my goings-on since we separated.] I give brief response to his question and tell him I hope his summer is going well, too. *6/18 Two hours later H texts, "Mail come yet?" I tell him that I haven't checked the mail but will text him after I do. He writes, "Ok thanks! I can come look so u don't have to if u need." I write back that I can do it. *6/18 40 minutes later H texts, "I'm just gonna come by so if it's there I can go to the bank." I write back, "[H], that's fine. I had to leave for a few minutes and haven't gotten back to the house as quickly as I thought. I just know your check didn't come yesterday. I apologize." H texts, "No it's fine I'm not angry just trying to help don't want u to feel like my mail lady . . . Coulda just told me u weren't home." I write, "I've been in and out today. I really thought I'd have been home by now. I know you need your check, and I didn't intend to hold you up. I was trying to save you a trip, too. Hope it came for you." *6/18 20 minutes later H texts, "I checked the mail it wasn't there don't rush home sorry to have bugged u." I respond, "You didn't bug me. I'll put it in the usual place (where I put his mail when it comes since he's never gotten his mail forwarded) if it comes while you're gone." No further response from him. *6/21 late at night I check my e-mail and have one from H about the "heads up" that he had officially filed for divorce *6/22 I text H about filing for divorce and asking if he had done so from vacation [Please see earlier posts for complete details]
It is at this point that I begin to further speculate and ponder H's excessive use of exclamation points and questions about my well-being and enjoyment of summer. Driven by guilt? Being nice and friendly so that I won't be mad at him? Being kind because he needed things (mail, etc.) from me? No one knows.
And more recent communication: *6/27 H e-mails, "The cellphone bill is due...it is $247...do you have half of it? I'm gonna do a transfer of liability of your line to you via the internet (you'll get email instructions from ATT) but I can't do it till we pay the bill." I write back, "in a couple days" He responds, "ok" *6/29 H texts, "Good morning:) can you tell me if I have mail?" I sit and ponder for what becomes 30 minutes, seething about his use of text smiley. He texts after this 30 minutes, "I think you might be away from the house. I'm gonna go just peek in and grab my mail and hope that's ok." This motivates me to respond. I write, "I'm at home. I'll put it in the box." He says, "Ok I'm on [road incredibly near our subdivision]. I haul @$$ out to mailbox, put his mail in, and run back in house. After he gets mail he texts, "Thank you." *6/29 8 hours later H texts, "The alarm company called me and said they sent the police to your dad's [place of business], might want to call and tell him." [Note to reader: H evidently is still on the call list if alarm goes off.] After I call father and inform him, I pontificate for 20 minutes about a response and eventually decide to send a blank text. I figure this shows that I received his text and do nothing more than acknowledge it. He writes back, "Blank text :)" Again with the smiley. Ugh. *6/30 I text H and tell him, "Please take half the money for the cell phone bill." He responds, "Ok thank you." *7/1 H forwards internet e-bill to me. No words. Just the bill. *7/2 I text H, "You have mail." He writes, "Ok thank you. I work tonight, do u mind putting it in the mailbox later and I'll come by and get it after work?" I write, "I don't mind at all." He responds, "Thank you :)" *7/4 H texts, "I never got a chance to pull the money for the cell bill from the account, sorry, is it still there in the joint account?" *7/4 30 seconds later H texts, "Actually nevermind I see the insurance came out so your part of the cell bill can go toward my part." I respond, "So what do you want me to do?" He answers, "Nothing :)" *7/9 H texts, "Morning! I put 200 in the joint account for insurance but forgot to account for cell bill so I'm gonna take 123 back, ok?" As I read this, I wonder, Am I going crazy, or didn't we have a couple days' worth of texts about this issue? I thought this was resolved. I say, "That's fine. Thanks." *7/9 I e-mail H and say that I'm working with a counselor on a coping with our situation and creating a plan for my future. I say these things: "She and I are working on my accepting the ways my life is changing; moving forward; dealing with the process of divorce; and recognizing ways I can be successful in a future relationship. She said that she has only heard my perspective, and she believes that you would be able to contribute things that either I don't realize about myself or am unable to articulate during our sessions. She has asked if you would be willing to talk to her over the phone (at your convenience) to give her some ideas about how she can better help me deal with the process. Would you be able to do this? Please take time to think about this is you need. If possible, would you let me know by Wednesday if you will help? Thank you for considering this. Enjoy your weekend." *7/13 H replies via e-mail, "I don't think it's a good idea for me to talk to her, sorry." *7/13 4 hours later I e-mail, "Is there a reason you feel that it wouldn't be a good idea? Would you please elaborate?" No response. *7/16 I choose to set another boundary with H. I e-mail, "I know the counselor would have appreciated your input, but I understand your not wanting to speak to her. This is fine, and I will still be able to continue with my sessions. Unfortunately, I feel frustrated because I didn't get a response to my last two questions. This is something else I would understand your not wanting to do, but it upsets me that I have waited to hear what you thought and heard nothing. You don't have to answer my questions. I just wish you had acknowledged them and told me that you didn't want to answer them. I am asking for nothing from you at this time except that you respect me enough to acknowledge my questions instead of ignoring them. Please don't worry about answering those questions at this point. Thanks, anyway." No response. *7/20 H forwards Direct TV e-bill to me. No words. No nothing. Just the bill. *7/22 I text 2 absolutely adorable pictures of Boxer dog to H. No words. Just pictures. [Note to reader: He hasn't see Boxer dog since the end of May, and that makes me unhappy.] H responds, ":)" *7/23 I text, "Mail." [Note to reader: STILL hasn't gotten his mail forwarded. I have never suggested it.] He immediately responds, "Thanks:) puppy is cute in those pics." I say, "Very cute. Quite a ham." *7/24 In the spirit of experimentation, I text 4 pictures of Boxer dog's escapades (including his ability to feed himself by digging through an unattended bag of dog food). H immediately responds, "Obviously he was starving." I write, "And fearful of my wrath as well." (Boxer dog is peeping around corners in 3 of the pictures, waiting for his misdeed to be discovered.) 7/25 Mail still in mailbox waiting for H to retrieve it.
Other pertinent information: *No marital dissolution agreement has been presented from his attorney to mine. I expect it will come (I'm not THAT foolishly hopeful), but my kick-@$$ attorney and I have already agreed to reject it upon receipt. There is also NO risk of a default judgment on my end. *Though cell phone bill was paid weeks ago, no transfer of billing liability has come for me. I cannot do this. H has to do it. I'll soon owe for the cell phone bill again. *H hasn't paid on any bills since March. His name is on the deed, though the house is an inheritance from my mother to me (and therefore out of his reach, legally). He does contribute, however, $200 toward the insurance (life, car, homeowners, etc.), yet $200 doesn't cover his portion of it. I have never mentioned this to him. *His mail continues to be delivered to this house. *I am baffled by his egregious uses of exclamation points and smiley faces. *I have done MAJOR home changes since he last was here in May [living room--walls painted, all woodwork painted, ceiling painted, bookshelves painted and completely reorganized, new piece of furniture and decorative accents; bedroom--walls painted, bathroom painted, bedroom furniture rearranged; kitchen--cabinet doors removed for painting, wall painting in progress, cabinets reorganized, extra/unnecessary kitchen items given away; outdoors--had my mother's car towed away (HUGE step for me), created another garden/sitting area, have planted and maintained lovely plants and flowers]. H told me months ago that he had never felt like the house was his (it had remained much the same from when we moved in; many of my mother's things were still everywhere). He also said that he didn't think things would ever change. It's a real shame that he wasn't patient enough to allow me to get to that point in the grief cycle. *I have not mentioned that I don't want a divorce since he has filed.
I don't understand the WAH way of thinking, and I'm sure I never will.
The big question is this: Is there something I should be doing at this point? Should I be experimenting? Should I encourage him to hurry things along? Should I act like I want a divorce and don't know why it's taking so long? Should I pretend he doesn't exist, like he seems to be able to do where I'm concerned?
Any and all input is appreciated. I just don't know!
