Quotes Found on Divorce Busting (III)

[Puppy Dog Tails]

[quote=Puppy Dog Tails]Wow, just realized that my last post was my 16,999th, and so I figured I'd better post something REALLY MEANINGFUL and INSIGHTFUL for my next one.

So here it is. Call it


"Puppy's Short Version, All-Inclusive Advice" for Waylayed Spouses Who Just Got Bombed"


1. Get proof (of whether or not there's OM/OW). Hint: There almost always is.


2. Do either:

2a. Aggressive affair-busting (see Allen A's posts over in Infidelity)

Allen A's Posts

; or

2b. "Set Them Free" (Robx/Gucci approach)

"Setting Them Free"


Those are the only two things I've seen work. If #1 turns up nothing, then proceed to #2b. And in the meantime, GAL your ass off, and become the better option. Best case, you'll attract them back, and at a minimum you'll become a better person that will be more attractive to SOMEBODY in your next relationship.

Puppy

Thanks, but you still missed my best one, yesterday. I even put a "Yes, Ready2Change, you need to STICKY THAT SUCKA!!" in it.

[Ready2Change]

I did read it:

I too used to cry out to God, in the middle of the night sometimes, "Why aren't you answering my prayers??!" I was in a 20-year sex-starved marriage, and as a man with a very high need for affection and physical touch, it was absolutely KILLING me.

"Change my wife's heart," I pleaded.

"Soften her heart towards me," I wailed.

"Holy Spirit, please move upon her heart and make her see how much I'm hurting," I cried.

Well, God had other plans for me, and for us, and they were different from what I thought they should be. Now, looking back, I can see how much I needed to grow, and strengthen. HE knew that, but I thought I knew better.

We often pray for a magic wand, NB, but God more often than not gives us a trowel. It's in the day-to-day little "digging" that we usually find ourselves, and grow stronger.

Pray for wisdom, and for CLARITY. And then pray for COURAGE, to do the right thing.

My understanding is that changing the focus of your prayers inward works the best....

My wife said she prayed for years for me to change....It took awhile, but her prayers have been answered.

[Puppy Dog Tails]

My understanding is that changing the focus of your prayers inward works the best....

I agree.

[Ready2Change]

Allen A finally put my understanding into words:

in a way this whole thing is a sick twisted test of YOUR MANHOOD...

The key thing that you hit on is respect

Your wife is never going to respect you until you start protecting her family.. in a way this whole thing is a sick twisted test of YOUR MANHOOD...

Are you man enough to forgive her cheating, toss the grease-ball off of your network, and turn this whole marriage around?

Are you man enough to do all that or are you going to sulk or run like a child?

I know it sucks because THEY are doing what they criticize YOU for but you have a chance to turn this around.

a. Expose to OM's wife
b. Shut down the network
c. Get your wife to start respecting her family

You do this with actions, not talk or anniversary cards.. Parental and protective actions...

Women don't want to admit it but they get a perverse pleasure out of seeing their spouse beat the crap out of predators to their home and family...

They will tell you they hate violence, but she WILL respect you for taking some action on this...

[Ready2Change]

Maybe they are just looking out for their needs. Your WAS is not your enemy, they are another person who is hurt, confused, and searching for answers. They are not doing it the way the LBS wants. Until you can detach and look at your sitch like your are "looking into the fishbowl" and see your M for what it is in reality and the feelings that surround it then you remain stuck.

Blaming your WAS for how they feel doesn't work. Seek to understand how they feel and then the solutions appear. Compassion is what you need to see them.

[Ready2Change]

Remember this adage about cheaters? All Cheaters lie? Well, the same goes with addicts. Go on her behavior, not her words.

Heck, that pretty much applies to everyone. If we judged people more on actions than words, think how better off we'd be.

[DumpedforMIL]

this one looked like it came from my thread.
i have to admit, i go back to my thread and the vets have left some good advice.

[Ready2Change]

Do you understand this? Your wife is not attracted to you. What would make your wife want to jump your bones? What does she need from you?

She needs space and time. I have to keep repeating that to myself. Space. Time. Space. Time. She's not leaving as long as I give her those two things.

No, not exactly. You can give her all the time & space in the universe but if you appear to be a weak sister to her then there is no way she's going to find that sexy! Don't you get it? She wants you to be sexy!

You are a 28 yr old man who is wanting to have sex with his wife....really badly. It has you to the point that you can't think of much of anything else. (Hey, I use to be married to a 28 yr old man.)

Anyway, you need to think about how you were when she met you and fell in love with you. She really wants to feel romantic love for you, but she can't. Maybe she doesn't know why....and maybe you don't know why....and maybe that C doesn't know, but honey....I know. She has another man on her mind (and perhaps more) and all she has to do is have a heart to heart with you and then you're convinced that everything is lovely. She can wrap you around her little finger, b/c you "want" to believe her. You "want" the M to be good.

So, here's the thing.....first of all, don't believe anything she tells you. Stop asking questions that she's going to lie about.

Next, set boundaries of the things you cannot tolerate in your M, b/c she needs to respect those boundaries or get out. Read Coach's thread on boundaries.

Now the big thing....work on a do-over for yourself. Get in shape, get a new look that says...."Look at me girl, you would be crazy to leave a man like me!" If you don't look cool and sexy, then find a friend who'll tell you what to do to get there. Polish up your manners, personality, social life and faith (not necessarily in that order).

Get your focus off of her. Act as if you are not hurt by what she does b/c after all...you are a man who is confident and you don't have to be reassured every day that she still loves you. (BTW,don't tell her you love her while all this stuff she's doing is going on...and don't tell her just to see if she'll say it back).

Get out of that house and find something to fill your life. Leave when she is there. Look smoking hot with a big smile, walk out the door with a "see ya" and no details of what your plans are. Do you get what I'm saying here?

She needs to see a strong, sexy, man who is desirable. When she said she felt like you were another child, that told the story right then and there. Stop whining, pleading,fishing, etc.

Now if you want her to want you? You act as if you could care "less" if you ever had sex with her again. Notice I said with her. Take cold showers, take care of your own needs....but you act as if she's your kid sister visiting and you're really trying to just be "nice". If you do this the right way....she'll be chasing after you. But this other stuff she's been doing?.....she's playing you, that's all.

[Ready2Change]

My question is, ...HOW can I let him know that I either want to work on the marriage or divorce (no separating) without him getting mad/defensive.

I don't accept your premise

Whether or not he gets "mad/defensive" should have absolutely NO bearing on what your decision-making is.

If I could give you ONE PIECE of advice for DBing, it would be this:

Stop operating from a position of "What will he do if I do/say thus-and-such? Will he be angry? How will his reaction make ME feel?"

and instead, learn to operate from a basis of:

What is THE RIGHT THING TO DO in this situation? What is the thing that God Himself would have me do, if He were standing right in front of me?

Until you do that . . . you will get nowhere.

[Ready2Change]

How much control does any of of us have over another person? You can take lots of productive action for yourself and your family. Protect your finances and emotional well-being. Know your legal rights. Use your spiritual side. Be loving to yourself, kids, family and your WAS. Be a person of high character, values and morals. Set personal, legal, moral boundaries and enforce them. Become the best person you can in a tough environment - thrive.

I think fear is the biggest enemy of any DBer. The solution is to "love yourself." All the DB techniques and good advice here boils down to that concept. It's very attractive as well. How confident do you look when you accept that you are already dead (divorced)? It's not that you don't want to survive but that you accept that you don't control the outcome but will do whatever the situation calls for without hesitation. You have to be prepared - understand how the game is played and know what works given the situation. Do you want to go up against a prepared, disciplined, able, strong, and determined opponent? Who would you follow? Lead your family.