You may be surprised...he may wonder where you are going and you could let him know how much fun you had and all he is missing when you get back..cheerful and excited from a day out with your kids...
Hey girl - i used to feel the same way - then I went back to work and now don't have those issues. I went back when kids were in school. I totally know where you are coming from.
I know you have probably covered this before, but have you actually sat down with H and told him exactly what you have told us here? In a loving way, of course (bite tongue if necessary). men are oblivious and you have to sometimes spell it out exactly for them. Explain to him that you may go crazy if things don't change?
Quote: I know you have probably covered this before, but have you actually sat down with H and told him exactly what you have told us here? In a loving way, of course (bite tongue if necessary). men are oblivious and you have to sometimes spell it out exactly for them. Explain to him that you may go crazy if things don't change?
a yup!
big part of why I believe or r got to where it was, that and well perhaps the fact that we aren't as compatable as we can pretend to be.
h just doesn't get it.
just last night..in the am he told me he'd be home early from work..but didn't arive til 4...I let him know before he was home that I'd like to go out and start some christmas shopping since when I tried earlier in the day both kids fell asleep in the car not allowing me to go anywhere..then of course the whining just had me quit after they finally woke and we went to one store (and yes I do give the little one naps at home) it was finally just after 6 when I had cleaned up dinner and was getting ready to leave..when h said with a slight attitude..your going now? as if I was supposed to stay and put dd to bed first...wich of course was the way it was before she was born..if I wanted to go to the store at night I'd have to (or be asked to) put son to bed first.
that all changed after ow and seperation..I left him alone with the kids after about a month of his being gone and wanting a d...he learned then what my life is like and kept allowing me the free time when he did come home for a while..now it seems he's back to being the way he was.
keep in mind that I am venting negatives and if I wanted to I could force myself to see little positives...not as much as I'd like but hey what do you expect when your the type of girl who wants to watch hair and sing along but you married a guy who wants to watch football?
see the thing is h and I shared some life goals in common..both wanted to live a nice respectable life...family..home etc...but h is a bit more the strait and narrow...total conservative while I am a bit more..well the type that will go out at midnight to see the rocky horror picture show..like to sing kareokee and dance and meet all kinds of people and not judge first.
that is what makes life tough...
I am willing to go to football games and share h's pleasures but he's not as willing to share mine..
plus there's the issue of my desire for more of another type of pleasure than he is...
maybe if he were more interested in THAT things would be different
sorry LL, just don't know what to tell ya. other than get a sitter, tell H you are doing so, and stick to your guns and go out regardless. tell him to make room in the budget for it. perhaps if you did this, then make specific plans, and then tell H where you will be and what time if he would like to join you, maybe he would???
I'm sure you have thought of all of this, and it is just an endless cycle. I guess you have to be willing to stand the consequences if you issue an ultimatum. I am sure this is hard to do since you spent such a great amount of time DB'ing and so don't want to rock the boat now. Correct? Kinda like "be careful what you wish for?"
I FEEL for you!! I have distant memories of when H was living at home. I remember times of him doing nothing but watch TV and I would feel like if he can do it then so can I. It was hard to get things done when H was around doing nothing. I find myself much more productive and doing what I want and need to do when H is not around.
Anyway, why don't you tell H that you need some time away from the kids and ask him to come up with a day and time every week that you can have some LL time. This puts the ball in his court without being controlling.
Quote: Anyway, why don't you tell H that you need some time away from the kids and ask him to come up with a day and time every week that you can have some LL time. This puts the ball in his court without being controlling.
great idea nik...however...h couldn't even comit to one night a week for "us" time therefore it is doubtful that h would actually commit to making time for me to have alone time...his argument would be that I can go out any night I want...thing is I'm tired at the end of the day and my going out any night I want always seems to be on some condition of his...ie. put dd to bed first..let him spend an hour on the lawn first..let him get settled in first etc. during our seperation after I got tired of playing happy family I decided to take off as soon as he'd arive...I must say the first time I did that he freaked called my cell phone 5 times for no reason (no message left so therefore wasn't asking where are the diapers or binky or anything significant just freaking out being alone with HIS two babies)
and of course there are other replies I get from him like..what did you think it was going to be like having kids?
or then there's the promise of his slow time comming....but does it ever come? sure last winter was great..but will this one be the same? doubtful as he's no longer trying to woo his way back home.
I must say though that despite the fact that he did stay in the basement watching football from 1 on (he's still down there) he did allow the kids to be down there playing and didn't "yell" at them for being kids..and when dd was whining and wanting to hang on me and wipe snot all over me(she's got a cold and thinks I'm a giant tissue) he did try to get her to sit with him...but she wanted mamma..so I cooked with one hand while holding her in the other cause after all that is what mommas do can't begrudge him just because she wanted me.
what do I want?
some designated me time while the sun is still up. a designated "date" night with h. designated or more regular family time. to know what h's schedule is other than that he works every day..I mean his telling me he'd be home early sat left me thinking he'd be home by 1 not 4. and damn it I want my h to want me!! more often
My H jumps at the chance to watch the kids but is more hesitant to make time for just the 2 of us. I would give him a chance and try again asking.
Quote: what do I want?
some designated me time while the sun is still up. a designated "date" night with h. designated or more regular family time. to know what h's schedule is other than that he works every day..I mean his telling me he'd be home early sat left me thinking he'd be home by 1 not 4. and damn it I want my h to want me!! more often
A few months ago when H and I had one of our R talks we both said that if H was to return it would have to be a 100% commitment, no running away again. Well, the other night when we had a R talk I told H that I thought we both needed to see what M would be like again. When he was ready that maybe we could do a "trial" no strings attatched. H would come home and we would take one day at a time. No demands and no expectations. No designated us times, etc...
Well you know what happened. A day or 2 later, H tells me that what I had said made sense and that he was feeling better and thinking that things might be back to normal by xmas.
I know my H does not like to plan things, he is very spontaneous and rules push him away.
My reason for telling you this is that I think what you want is valid for sure, I just think you need to approach it differently. Be spontaneous, don't assume, tell H you are doing xyz and does he want to join you....
My reason for telling you this is that I think what you want is valid for sure, I just think you need to approach it differently. Be spontaneous, don't assume, tell H you are doing xyz and does he want to join you....
Does this sound familiar? know for me, putting myself in line and gettting that little voice out in the open has done me wonders.
our h's are home and yes we do still feel some residual effects of what they did...but for heavens sake if we ever want to feel better we've gotta get off our "pity party treadmills" (lol!) and get our butts in gear and start making ourselves happy and appreciate what we do have!
LL
You know what to do...so vent away and then get on with the business of making yourself happy. Hugs..Akgal
