That is exactly what we have been working on in IC. IC thinks that because of my background- and seeing my mother's behavior....I was OK with accepting so little. This is scratching the surface...those 45 minutes each week go by so quick.
I think you are right about lacking a sense of self. I, like Lala, did lose myself in my M...and in several past R as well. When I am not in a R or just starting a R- I think I do have a sense of self...but for some reason....after some time- I just lose it...and it doesn't make me happy.
You are right about trying to figure out my H...I wanted to determine whether it was bi-polar, depression, NPD or just selfishness. Bi-polar and depression were treatable for the most part...NPD is portrayed as a lost cause in most articles I read...selfishness seemed less 'permanent'. None are a great option....and it really doesn't matter which one it is I suppose. It really does me no good to diagnose...but I thought perhaps it would help me understand him a bit more.
thanks for asking about my dad. He was admitted into the detox unit last night but they had to send him back to medical- he was running a fever today and his chest was concerning them. They are doing a bunch of tests. He probably won't be going back to the detox unit...but staying in medical where they can keep at eye on him while he detoxes. Hopefully there isn't anything seriously wrong with him...and the symptoms he is showing are a direct result of withdrawal.
I think I do have a sense of self...but for some reason....after some time- I just lose it...and it doesn't make me happy.
I think this is where your GAL activities come into play. Once you begin to do something for yourself..things that YOU really want to do and not just to keep your mind off of your H, we'll then you will begin to feel better about YOURSELF.
Quote:
help me understand him a bit more.
The understanding is good as long as afterwards you still realize that there is NOTHING that you can do to fix him.
My prayers are with you and your father.
God Bless, Eric
"The difficulties of Life are intended to make us BETTER,not bitter". "Fear is a prison, where you are the jailer. FREE YOURSELF!" "Life is usually all about how you handle Plan B." - Jack3Beans
Thank you for your thoughts and prayers for my father.
He has double pneumonia right now...left detox..and is back in medical. (still being detoxed).
We are currently trying to figure out next steps. Detox is not enough. We want to get him into a long term program but this has proven to be very difficult for several reasons: 1) he just wants out of the hospital 2) he is still in denial of his problem (at least on the surface) 3) he is 72 and feels like his life is over...really has no will to live 4) he is currently on Medicare and AARP- we are limited with our options to get him post detox care 5) he needs to be in a program with people his age...so he can some what relate to people around him 6) HE DOESN'T WANT TO GET BETTER...HE WANTS TO LIVE HIS LIFE THE WAY HE WANTS TO LIVE IT- WITH ALCOHOL (same as #3 but I thought I would stress it anyway)
It is so painful to watch someone you care about self destruct. My IC said tonight that she noticed I was finally being assertive...I told her that I wasn't going to support my father if he was going to choose alcohol over his family...I will not speak to him again after all of this if he decides to go back to drinking. She thought this was a good thing for me. I wish it felt better.
I said I felt bad that I have decided to not be there for him after all he has provided me with. She pointed out that this was all monetary...he hasn't satisfied my emotional needs...just like my H. Hmmmmmmm..........
Does 'The Language of Love & Respect' apply to those of us that are on the brink of D?
This was the first book I read before DR at the recomendation of my best friend. Mine was simply "Love and Respect" maybe "The Language of Love and Respect" is a follow up. Dr. Eggerichs, right?? same book? BTW absolutely love the book.
Anyhow to answer your question, NO you do not do the things in most of the marriage/relationship books. Stick to DR/DB.
I have read so many books now on marriage and they mostly help me be a better me right now. If and when you get to piecing, that is when you pull them out.
Formerly "missherlove"
Me49 XW49 M17 T19 S16 D20
Expose yourself to your deepest fear; after that, fear has no power, and the fear of freedom shrinks and vanishes. You are free.
In DB- it advocates some type of game playing via 180's. Not returning phone calls right away...GAL'ing instead of pining...
Hey Lola ... I've only read excerpts of Love & Respect ... that being said, I wanted to point out that true 180's are not game playing. I chose to make changes (do 180s) in areas I felt really work. Things that I wanted to change for ME. I self improved by looking for the sting in H's hurt. 180s for the sake of 180s ARE a game and won't work for the long haul. WAS's can see through them from a mile away.
Again, GALing is not game playing if you are doing it properly. FOR YOU. You should have a life. You should be pursuing a life that is independant and fulfilling ... married or otherwise. If you are truly GALing then you won't be jumping on every phone call and text message because you will be busy, not because it's a tactic.
See the difference?
Oh ... and in case I haven't recommended it to you yet "How to Improve Your Marriage Without Talking About It" is a great read and covers some of the same kinds of concepts. I also loved Men are from Mars/Women are from Venus ... an oldie but a goodie.
Peace PEI
Last edited by PEImom_of_3; 07/29/1001:29 AM. Reason: cause I felt like it
Holding onto anger to punish someone else, is like lighting yourself on fire to get smoke in their eyes ~ 25yearsmlc
thanks guys...I did read "How to Improve Your Marriage Without Talking About It"...and found it insightful. I am going to have to read it again when engaging in a new R somewhere down the road. I think my focus right now needs to be on healing....where is my 'Abandonment to Healing' book????
I cannot wait for that to get here from Amazon. Reading these R books make me a bit depressed...I am reading about a R that doesn't exist!!!!!! argh.
PEI I do get once you are GALing you aren't paying attention so much to texts and phone calls. But when you have an ounce of hope...those texts and phone calls do have an impact...whether we want to admit it or not....no matter how much fun we are having.
GALing is a great thing...but time and space are even better.
Grit- I wish I could live by the words that you speak. I really long to....and I will sure as hell try.
...and I am not sassing you by saying this- but if you are living by your words...I may come down to Florida myself... and canonize you...along with Tebow- just cuz he is cute.
