Quotes Found on Divorce Busting (III)

[Ready2Change]

I wish I had been able to apply such a philosophy sooner in my situation, but the reason I didn't, and couldn't, is one that is ignored by this philosophy. My kids. My young kids who were being put through h*ll by their mother's reckless actions. I couldn't just say "Fine. You want him, you can have him", because I would effectively be saying "Fine. I freely give up half my kids' lives, and have no problem with you bringing a predator step-father into their lives." I was also grieving horribly for the loss of the family the kids were enduring. When kids are involved, especially young kids, it's not a simple act of letting the wayward spouse go, because they take some of the kids' lives with them. No court in my state would have ever awarded me with full custody.

Nobody here has ever advocated that thinking. Your WAS is already splitting time with the kids and introducing the OP to them. That's why you have a L, Gucci calls it "having your ducks in a row." Seperation/Divorce agreements have some very specific language about time your children can spend with other adults. Break a judges order and see how that works for you.

A WAS and their L know how to prey on your "feelings." A good DBer will check their emotions/feelings at the door (detach), use their brain and combat their WAS feelings with feelings. You can't apply your logic to someone else's feelings and expect it to influence them. You change how they feel about you.

[Ready2Change]

Without being too dramatic, I would contend to you that this is one of those handful of DEFINING MOMENTS in your life. How you respond to this will say everything about your character, your morals, and how high of an integrity bar that you set for yourself.

Think this one over carefully, and then respond with absolute CLARITY to your wife. Every hour that goes by since she lobbed this amoral grenade into your lap, starts to define YOU and what you stand for.

[Ready2Change]

LRT, that's another really good one. Saying "Hmm, it doesn't sound like we're going to agree about this right now; let me think about that and we can discuss it later when we each have more time" or something is a great technique.

I added that first part because the key to these techniques is to FIRST let the person know that they HAVE BEEN HEARD, even if you disagree with what it is you've heard them say.

"I hear you saying that you feel ________ . I understand. My feeling is __________ , I feel strongly about it, and it sounds like we're going to have to agree to disagree about this right now. Let me think about it some more. We can talk more about this later."

Puppy

[Ready2Change]

IF the affair is shut down you can be cordial... But if its NOT then you being cordial just enables her to pursue the affair further...

You want to present yourself as a different person.. Don't bother telling her you are different, be different or don't bother contacting her...

start jogging, join a volunteer group, completely renovate your wardrobe, start taking courses at the local college...

[Ready2Change]

She said she wants to end our marriage as quickly and painlessly as possible. When I asked her what the hurry was, she said that her feelings could not be changed, and that she did not want to hate me after this. I told her that I would come home, that we could work on it together, and she said that she didn't want to anymore. She said that if I needed to come home, she more than understood, but she was still going forward with this. How do you argue with that? I couldn't!

YES, YOU COULD (and should). You say:

"I'm really sorry you feel that way. I certainly hear you, and that this is what you want. It's not what I want, however, and I think we owe it to our kids to not just cut and run here because one of us suddenly wants out of the marriage."

Gator, this is CLASSIC infidelity addiction talking. Was this woman previously a good mother? A good wife? A woman of good moral character? You seem like a great guy, and I find it hard to believe you would have picked anyone who WASN'T for your life partner. Why would a woman like this suddenly THROW THAT ALL AWAY, WITHOUT EVEN TRYING???

It's the ADDICTION talking. What you need to decide is, do you want to FIGHT that, and aggressively try to bust the affair (separate the addict from the source of their addiction), and then DB ("2a"), or if you want just go the "Setting Them Free" route ("2b").

Here's the thing. A lot of people pick "2b" right out of the chute, or -- worse -- they don't even do THAT right (there's an ART to doing it, as Gucci outlines in his current, excellent thread on the subject). This is NOT the same as "giving up/giving in." And they do that (pick "2b") because they think it's EASIER.

But the sad, painful truth is, no matter WHAT you do ("2a," "2b," "While They Wait," something else), YOU'RE GOING TO HAVE TO WADE THRU A WHOLE BUNCH OF CHIT FOR THE NEXT 3-24 MONTHS. People think if they just stop fighting, the pain goes away. But it doesn't, and it'll actually be WORSE, because you'll be all down on yourself for NOT doing what you think is "The Right Thing to Do," and you won't be setting the agenda for your family.

WHY ARE YOU ALLOWING YOUR WIFE TO SET THE AGENDA FOR THE POTENTIAL END OF YOUR MARRIAGE, when she is the ONE person who DOES NOT HAVE ITS BEST INTERESTS AT HEART RIGHT NOW???

In fact, I'll take it one further: She does not have your FAMILY'S best interests at heart right now.

We can talk about all of the specifics, but this (deciding what you want to do) is really the first thing that has to happen.

Puppy

[Ready2Change]

This is why I told you in my very first posts to you to GET LEGAL ADVICE. Your attorney can help give you the "best case/worst case" scenarios, so that you can make an informed decision about your risks, rights, vulnerabilities, etc. Have you talked to one yet??

No one's asking you to gamble away your visitation/custody with your kids ... you're getting WAY ahead of yourself. Wanna know what ONE THING you should do? You're right, don't spend the $$$ on a PI --- spend it on a bulldog, "men's rights" family law attorney, who specializes in father's rights and paternal custody issues. Get a consultation, and learn more about what you're dealing with here.

[Ready2Change]

having a difficult time digesting the rest of Greek's post. it is very different from what other's suggest.

I'm going to call you out on that. Read the following quotes from your other threads:

Several people I respect have given you sound advice, yet you still complain that there's nothing about/for women specifically. It seems to me that you're looking for someone to tell you exactly what to do to make your H see the error of his ways and come running home.

There are no guarantees. Some people save their Rs, some people don't. The successful DBer is someone who has recognized their faults and mistakes, works hard at improving her/himself and does things to make her/himself happy so that the next R is a good one.

Drop the rope (no, you really haven't) and stop worrying about why H does anything. Do the work on yourself and make yourself happy.

I think dropping the rope might work because it appears to be the one thing you haven't truly tried yet.

Dropping the rope is something which an emotionally healthy individual does when faced with a R with someone who does not want to be with them. People aren't possessions. They aren't ours to push and control in one direction or another. One of the common threads I see on this board is most of us are codependent and have an unhealthy and distorted sense of R. I once created a post asking how many people came from alcoholic homes and quickly got quite a few responses.

Dropping the rope is healthy for YOU. When you use it as a tactic to get something you want it will probably backfire. Just my opinion based on my own experience with attempting to control people/places/things.

That principle is that you should be REJECTING a man who doesn't treat you right and walks away from you. This is the same for men as it is for women. It shows low self esteem to keep trying to get a person to come back to you that says and shows they want out.

THAT type of self esteem is what is POSSIBLY the beginning of getting them back. START THERE... Instead of asking us things like you keep asking, you should be sayin "I don't want to be with ANY man who doesn't want me and show me he wants me"..

These are posts to you from 4 other posters here who have suggested the same thing I did and have before. There are many more like it - these took about 2 seconds to find. Didn't even have to dig for them. For you to claim that you now have to process what I wrote to you b/c it was a 2x4 (which it is) and DIFFERENT from what you are getting from others (which it is not) is simply sticking your head in the sand (which you are free to do) ~~~ but call it what it is.

[Ready2Change]

I don't know why you can't deal with this time in your marriage the way we've advised others on this forum to manage their marriage when a wayward spouse returns to the marriage following an affair. Just b/c you had consented to the A really doesn't change your approach now in my opinion.

Require transparency on her part. The security that she is indeed ALL IN going forward is necessary for you to heal and the marriage to get feet firmly on the ground.

You've already put the boundary about OM in place. But if she's just coming back to be in a sort of roommate arrangement with you, is that satisfying for you? If not, this boundary should be declared, as well. "Wife, I understand that you are working through and struggling with many things right now. I'm patient but not a martyr. I need intimacy in my marriage and I want to know if you will commit to what it will take to work toward that goal for us." That could be counseling, Retro weekend and follow up, religious counseling or whatever you all find.

Also, it is important for you to take care of yourself. You have got to have some scar tissue from these last 6 years of open marriage. Self image, self esteem, confidence, all must have taken a hit. How are you going to recover that ground? What do you do for fun - just for you? Where are your interests and are they reflected in your life? Hobbies? Friends? Taking care of you is KEY!

[Ready2Change]

"I've been thinking a lot lately, and I don't think what we're setting up will work for me. I now realize that I don't want to live with someone that really doesn't want to be with me. It just isn't what I want in life. So, I have decided that we should separate and work towards divorce. I think you should find another place to live as soon as possible, a little after you return from the Couples weekend. We should also tell the girls when you return. Having this linger til the Spring will do neither of us any good, nor the girls.

We can work on the finances when you return, as well as figuring out what to do about the house and joint custody. I'm sorry it didn't work out between us, but I have really heard what you've said and realized that maybe this is for the best for everyone.

I don't think it's productive to go to see our C in joint counseling since there's no desire on your part to reconcile. I wish that were different, and part of me will always hold on to a small piece of hope, but that's no way to live."

[Ready2Change]

Well she called me at lunch just now and asked how I was doing. We chit-chatted about 5 minutes and i told her I needed to go so I could eat lunch.

Better: " . . . needed to go, as I had a really busy day and was already late for an appointment."

I then told her I was going out tonight. She asked with who, I told her my friend Eddie and a bunch of his friends are going downtown and I didn't know when I'd be back.

Better: " . . . I told her 'Just a bunch of people, we're going downtown and I don't know when I'll be back."