MLC likely...BPD possible...divorce pending

[PEI]

Love Grace. <<<<<that's for you PEI.

Thanks buddy

[lolawar]

Grit- do you ever get that nagging feeling anyway? Even after you made this revelation? I feel like some days I have got it figured out..I feel good. Then I have those days where I feel like I know nothing...and what made sense yesterday no longer makes sense..because that is no longer the way I feel. I know logically you are right...but sometimes that just isn't the way I feel. Conflict of interest. How does one rectify this??? it is truly a nagging feeling.

[MHL]

You guys type too fast, Im still on external validation....

In the words of Cheap Trick...

I Want you to Want ME

Pretty much says it all doesn't it?

[lolawar]

LOL- MHL
I Want you to Want me does sum it up...but is it right? How does one (me/we) get over that feeling? It appears to be as natural as breathing. (I know a bit dramatic)....but seriously- it is almost like going against our natural instincts. I feel like not feeling like this is just faking myself into feeling something I don't. If that makes any sense.

I would prefer the tune "I Haven't Got Time For the Pain"...will this work instead?

[Truegritter]

Grit- do you ever get that nagging feeling anyway?

F@ck yes! Just about every day.

But the time between is getting longer and longer.

I catch myself quicker...

Journaling helps.

Writing here helps.

You know I have stuff I wrote down years ago ...

Good stuff. The stuff I am learning and experiencing now.

And when I read it over and over each time I knew it

But

It is hard to live unless you are concious of it.

Until you let it settle into your life and

That comes with patience.

And perserverence.

You have to experience all this. You have to live it.

You have to feel it.

You have to know what love IS NOT before you can understand what it IS.

That is what I learned.

So when you see that. When you understand that.

It is a gift really what has happened to you.

You would not have found it otherwise...

Right?

A quote I wrote down from Christopher Reeves (Superman)

"to be truly free in life takes either tragedy or courage. To my children I will certainly recommend the latter."

[lolawar]

I love that quote Grit.

What happens to people who have taken the journey? do we gravitate to others that have taken the journey? or are we still drawn to the same people that have always attracted to us? and what happens if we do end up with someone that is not at the same place as us? Do we pull them up? or do we just get dragged back down?

I mentioned this before...many years ago I went thru a difficult time..and I did a lot of soul searching and I really felt like I was at a great place. I felt at peace...with everything in my life. It was truly one of the happiest times of my life. Then...I managed to fall into this R. How did this happen and how does this not happen again? perhaps I wasn't as far along as I thought I was...or perhaps I was at a pathetically low starting point that I felt like I was at a good place. Who knows. I know I am always looking for straight forward answers to not so straight forward questions.

[MHL]

Lola,
That is where those books we were talking about earlier come into play. I think we that have taken our journey we certainly bring something more to our next relationship. I can imagine how different my marriage would have been to my W if I did all those things I have read about.

So, yes it would have pulled them up subconsciously. I ask myself every other day if she comes back to me and hasn't changed will I run from her in 5 years or will what I have learned about myself and how I should act in all relationships make a difference?

Answer: Don't know, there are no guarantees in anything. When it feels right I will jump, fall, leap with all my heart if I don't then I am doomed from the beginning.

[Truegritter]

What happens to people who have taken the journey?

Can't say for sure still traveling and..

Always will be I think.

How did this happen and how does this not happen again?

I think I got sidetracked I didn't finish my work the first time around.

I didn't know who I was. I was full of self doubt.

Now...

I didn't know this when I was living it. And that is what is different today.

I know.

I see things differently. All my relationships.

My friends. They will always be in my life but I look at them differently. Not bad just different.

My W? I hope that the day will come where I can share this with her.

As it is, I can do what I am doing as an expression of the man I have become.

Just as I was surrounded by people here and learned a different way, so can our spouses, our friends and our family.

When we live our lives with this in our hearts and in our actions...

We CAN change our lives.

[MHL]

No one wants to get hurt again but if you don't expose yourself you will never really truly feel it again, no matter who it is.

I have heard that marriage is God's cruel little trick on humans to make them realize just how much he loves us.

We disappoint Him daily, we pray to Him, make promises to Him, only to turn around 5 minutes later and break those promises again.


Yet he loved us above his only Son.......think about it. Translate.....That would mean I would sacrifice my son for my W knowing full well she will disappoint me again and again.

You Love with all your heart at the risk of it getting broken again......if you don't or you try to protect it or get some guarantee, it won't work because it is not real because it falls short of Love....it is conditional Love.

"Dance like no one is watching. Sing like no one is listening. Love like you've never been hurt and live like it's heaven on Earth." Mark Twain

[ericmsant2]

Lola

I am reading 'The Language of Love & Respect'.

I have not read this book; however I did read the 5 love languages and highly recommend it.

for a W to respect their H and for the H to love their wife...unconditionally.

I think people should respect each other as a rule of thumb. I also believe that when we marry we should love unconditionally. Having said this, many people (I am clearly in this category) do not understand this until AFTER they have issues in their M’s.

it advocates some type of game playing via 180's. Not returning phone calls right away...GAL'ing instead of pining...

180’a, GALing, and detaching are not tactics or games. They are actions that we the LBS take to protect ourselves.

When we first get here, most of us do the 180’s as a “trick” (albeit consciously or subconsciously) to get our spouses back. It is only when we REALLY detach and look out our role in the breakup that we come to realize that the 180’s should really be about the changes that WE REALLY WANT to make. For example, if you were too confrontational in your M…you probably started the 180 by becoming completely non confrontational as a means to get your spouse back. When you realize that this does not work (MLCer can see right through the bull) and really start to detach, you realize that the deeper question or issues that you need to tackle is the root cause of why you were confrontational to begin with. Once you figure that out and decide that YOU want to change it for YOU…well then the 180’s are no longer a tactic but rather a change in your persons that YOU wanted to make. These changes are the ones that stick…they become part of WHO you are. They are no longer tactics.

Or I guess I could have used my bro Grit’s short response to the 180 question, which was..

changes that are not real will not have longevity and neither will the M.

Is not responding to your H disrespectful

No it is not. Some times you need to do this to 1) protect your emotional well being and 2) minimize any interaction while your or your H are emotionally charged.

he hasn't satisfied my emotional needs...just like my H. Hmmmmmmm..........

Hmmmmmm indeed…may be something worth digging a little deeper into…Just saying..

I have read so many books now on marriage and they mostly help me be a better me right now. If and when you get to piecing

Or in your next R, which could be with your H or could be with someone else. Either way learning to become a better partner and become a emotionally healthy individual is a win win for you. FTR, I am not advocating “someone else” &#61514;

where is my 'Abandonment to Healing' book

YOUR gonna LOVE IT…I also recommend “codependent no more”, which talks a lot about detachment.

I am reading about a R that doesn't exist

Not YET…

I don't think I want my M

Is it think or “feel”…if it is a feeling then feelings change…

but I still cannot seem to completely let go

Letting go is hard Lola…it really is. Don’t try to “push” or “force it”..it will happen when it is suppose to happen. Just like detachment it is a process. Some days you feel you’ve detached and then you realize that your emotions are sucking you right back in. A lot of time people confuse detachment with “falling out of love’ – this is far from the truth. The reality is that you will probably always love your H in some way. So please cut yourself a little slack.

I am kind of in a no mans land. I am embarressed to admit.

No mans land…I think you meant the world of MLC….seriously no need to be embarrassed. We have all felt this way at some point.

I think I am looking for him to want me back more than I want to be back with him.

We all feel like this sometimes – your right we do not always say it but I am sure some of us feel it. It is that feeling of rejection. The need that all of us have of wanting to feel “wanted”. IMO, we as human being are not meant to be alone forever. The question really is…define alone. Can you be single yet not alone? I think yes. Can you be separated but not alone? Yes.

In the abandonment book they talk about these feeling in detail – it will be an eye opener for you. Trust me.

I also agree that as PEI mentioned…some of this may be validation that you need. You reference in an earlier post your r with you father…it appeared that he was not emotionally available. Are you EXPECTING your H or any other man for that matter to fill that gap? Think about this and tell me what YOU think.

Once you detach enough and do enough work on you (kill the need to have someone validate who you are, if you are pretty enough, that you are loveable, that you are likable, that you are just duckie…well then this happens…..

It doesn't matter any more.

Then I have those days where I feel like I know nothing...and what made sense yesterday no longer makes sense..because that is no longer the way I feel. I know logically you are right...but sometimes that just isn't the way I feel. Conflict of interest. How does one rectify this??? it is truly a nagging feeling.

Time sweetie…time…you will get there. You will get to that place of piece but it really does take time. I know..I know…you want it NOW BUT…if you had it now, would you appreciate it? IMO, you appreciate the peace when you realize what you had to go thru to get it.

You will find it Lola…in time.

Please give yourself a little break…stop trying to rush it. It will come…it will…

God Bless,
Eric