New to this Community seeking advice

[pinhead]

I've pondered taking my ring off almost every day since the Bomb. And I always leave it on because I understand why I'm thinking of taking it off: I want to hurt my wife in some way, to give her the bird. To me it's still a symbol of our marriage, of my vows. I can't tell anyone when the right time is, but I think that if you have to ask, it isn't time yet. You'll know in your heart when it's just a lump of metal that has no more meaning.

I also can't take mine off yet, because my daughters would notice immediately, and they havent' been told of the impending separation and divorce.

[TimeHeals]

You'll know in your heart when it's just a lump of metal that has no more meaning.

Or a painful symbol or your denial about where you and your R happen to be at the moment.

Haven't worn mine... in... gee.. dunno months, I guess.

[pinhead]

TH, that made me smile. As soon as the girls know, which should be just days before the W moves out, the ring is getting stuck in my sock drawer next to a bunch of useless cufflinks and other crap.

The only good thing about wearing it right now is the 'safety' factor. Women are much more comfortable and willing to flirt with a guy wearing a ring. And I am really enjoying any flirting I'm getting right now.

[JR09]

Michelle,

So what do you think? Ring or no ring? As I mentioned before, if I want to send the message to my W that I'm detaching/moving on, shall I keep wearing my wedding ring when I see her, or shall I remove it?

After she drops off the boys and drives away, I will most likely put my ring back on. But it's just that initial contact with her that I've been thinking about. Would wearing/not wearing the ring send the "detaching/moving on" message in a visible way? What say you?

JR

[soleil]

The ring thing is a totally pesonal decision. Some people won't wear it at all after the bomb, others keep it on forever.

It took me about 10 months to take mine off. And yes Time is right...sometimes it can be related to "denial" with regards to the M.

When/if you are ready to take it off...you'll know. It's jut one of those things that happens.

[MichelleLT]

Question: is she wearing hers?

I stubbornly kept mine on for months. Even after I started DBing.

But his was off before he moved out.

When I got to the point where we were rebuilding our friendship, I became self-conscious of the fact that I was still wearing my rings. Sending the message that I was still hoping and still following the vows that he no longer was.

I think wearing your ring when the other person is not sends non-verbal signals that you are still clinging, when they notice they usually feel pressured. My XH did.

So I started easing out of wearing them by moving them to my right hand before I saw him. Then slowly stopped wearing them altogether.

BUT, I was dealing with someone in an active A. Someone who would ask for no specific changes, whose whims and moods were a moving target. Whose concerns changed the moment I tried to address the latest thing I had done wrong. He didn't want me to change, he just wanted OW.

Your W left for very specific reasons which you have addressed. She did not leave because of an A. So your situation is very different in that respect.

Keep that in mind when you make your decision.

[pinhead]

I think my wife wears hers to avoid people asking questions. She does wear a silver band when she has silver jewelry on, but usually wears her rings. She even took them to her Couples Weekend. (I love writing that, the irony just makes me smile.)

[JR09]

Michelle,

My W is NOT wearing her ring. She took it off 2 years ago when she left...

JR

[MichelleLT]

So...knowing your W, do you think wearing yours is pressure? A reminder of what you don't have right now?

Or a secure sign of your commitment despite the distance between you?

While the last is romantic, I'm pretty sure it's not her state of mind LOL.

But, she also let the D proceedings lapse and hasn't refiled. And you obviously are still committed to trying to save your M.

So...you can leave it on til the D is refiled and finalized, take it off if she refiles, or take it off now.

You can always put it back on.

In fact, a good chunk of those who I have seen R have either gotten new rings or made some ceremony out of exchanging rings again (when they get to the point of a formal recommitment).

[JR09]

Michelle,

I think I'll take it off before I see my W in a couple of days. Taking it off will undoubtedly be a major 180 for me...Maybe it will kick off something in her mind and make her think as well...

So I WILL remove my ring just for that link up with my W, then I'll put it back on when I drive away...180 for sure...

JR