A question for you folks

[soleil]

What do you think is the difference between the folks who are here, say "Surviving big D" versus the ones who are split many moons and/or in "MLC" or "Infidelity"?

Maybe I can't articulate what I'm asking but what do you think makes some folks go forward with D versus the ones who are still trying to get back/work with their spouse?

[ImprovedRomeo]

For me the previous time I hung in there for almost 2 years waiting for her to come back and she eventually did. So I was in the 'we're separated now what?' section.

This time it's obvious to me that the best course of action for me is D. This is based on:

1. She came back after she got hurt and that crushed me but I accepted it (done really want to elaborate).

2. Even if she comes back again what guarantees she won't leave again?

3. I now wish I'd D'd her last time I would've been so much better both financially and emotionally by now. The only consolence is that I gave it my best trying to keep the family intact and we had some great vacations and memories with DD in the last two years that we all would've missed out on.

Can't speak for others really but I think some people are where I was during our previous separation and some are where I am today.

[kat727]

I think when you are on the other boards, you are still trying to save the marriage. I didn't give up until the last court date. The D has been final for 2 years today. I didn't move here for a while, not until I could really accept it.

I am not stuck in the victim stage. I don't rehash what happened, why did he do this or that. It is over period. We are not friends but we do talk about kid things. We split birthdays and holidays. Our oldest will be a senior and that involves more money issues but I think we can somehow figure all this stuff out.

So it all boils down to where you are in the process. Hope that helps.

kat

[BeginningAgain]

Well speaking for myself, I have bounced around a bit based on where I am in my sitch. I went from Newcomers to Were Separated when my WAW moved out of the house. I was all prepared to head to Surviving the Big D later this year when all of a sudden WAW starts giving mixed signals and has decided to move back into the house. So now I have taken my thread to Piecing, although I'm not totally convinced that she is really interested in a long term R with me. Time will tell. If she, or we, or even I decide that a R is not in the cards then I have detached enough that I could easily move to the Surviving board and begin to move on in my life after M.

[Golfgirl1]

For me, I tried for about a month and I do believe my xh is in a full-blown midlife crisis.

I listened to my inner voice which told me he and the ow were hiding assets from me and I filed right then and there. As legal proceedings went on, sure enough...hidden money.

Also, I went to an "intuitive" (psychic)which I was skeptical about, but she gave me amazing information that really helped me close the door on some things. She told me to be "true to myself" and for me that meant I would never be able to trust him again and would not be able to live with the thought of him sleeping with someone else. Period.

So, I've accepted what I did towards the demise of the marriage and moved on. I'm not interested in being with someone who doesn't want to be with me. IMHO, some people hang on out of "fear" which is completely understandable and I know I did that as well. But, who wants to live his/her life in fear all the time? In fact, "Fearless" by Taylor Swift is my ringtone and how I chose to live my life.

[ClingingToHope]

I moved here from Separated when she filed for divorce. To me, surviving the big D begins surviving the divorce process.

[antlers]

What do you think is the difference between the folks who are here, say "Surviving big D" versus the ones who are split many moons and/or in "MLC" or "Infidelity"?

The folks who are here, for the most part, know that their marriage is over, and they know that they are getting divorced. The folks in the other forums you mentioned, for the most part, maybe still have some hope that their marriage will work out and are still 'working on it'.

[Shelby]

I was originaly on the newcomers forum 2 years ago, I worked like crazy to try and save my marraige, and sometimes I would see some hope. I am glad I did because as someone said before, at least now I know I gave it my all to try to save it, and we also did have some good times with the kids we wouldnt have had otherwise.
I started coming back to DB in May when he started with the same story, I am not happy, ILYBNILWY. I was still fighting it though.
I moved to Survivng the Big D when he had me served at work with divorce papers, there was no moving back after that. Divorce is definetaly in my future. I saw a lawyer yesterday, it is not what I wanted but I will survive it.


I also realize now that yes he stayed physically the past 2 years, but for the most part he was emotionaly gone. Even with all that I was willing to do to save the marraige,it really needs 2 people to work on and save a marraige not just 1. And he was not willing to work on it with me.

[newmama]

For me it's simple...I was served, and I think it's best for me to move on. I won't lie, until the whole process is completely final, I will hold a little bit of hope but am not putting my life on hold any longer.

I can't speak for others, but I will say that ONLY WE KNOW OUR spouses and marriages...so unless the spouse was abusive or just treated the DBer like complete crap, I support others' decisions to wait and "stand" for their spouse!