Whatever you do don't involve the family members. You could stay with them but don't talk about yout R. That's never good. They have their best intentions at heart but they are self serving. They will give you wrong advice.
Make your OWN decisions how to proceed. If you haven't read DR go ahead and do it. If you have, read it again.
I acted logically today during our "meeting. I was not emotional (haven't been for weeks now), while in meeting or even after it was over. In fact, H asked how I was feeling. I said I didn't wish to discuss emotions. H stated he noticed I no longer blame or say much, that I am correct, that by being positive and not arguing, we will be able to be happy in our separate futures, neither spouse blaming the other. H said I was right in my thinking, become our true selves before we became miserable in M.
H is seeing my changes, twice he has asked about them. I may have given him the impression today, I too wanted out of M. I said I respect him and that M wasn't working for me either and that we both needed to be free to be our real selves. I wanted to state something along those lines, but maybe not quite that way. But maybe it's a good thing I said what I said- both H and I deserve to be happy. I still think we could stay together, but I H is still committed to the "end".
I agree. Family should not be involved in R issues. I only make decisions based on what I want, not from input extended family or friends.
None of my friends know anything about my M problems. Only my oldest brother is aware of my status right now. This is only because he is having R problems with his live in girlfriend. Family usually "takes" our side no matter what. I don't want any part of that. I know what I did in the M, the real truth. Not the time to have my head buried in the sand.
I have read both Divorce Busting and Divorce Remedy, twice each. I am doing the 180. This is the last resort. H wants out of M.
I would take an advantage of opportunities like that. You are DONE with the CURRENT R. That is not to say that you don't want a NEW R that may involve him.
It's the way you word things to him. When you say that M is not working for you either, you mean that the current M is not working.
When you say that we need to be true to ourselves first, that means not being true made you miserable in your M before. Now there is an opportunity to prove otherwise.
Leave out words that directly hint that you agree that it's all over. He may not catch that right away. But if he turns around later (I hope he does), he will be wondering what you meant all this time and may say that he thought you wanted M to be over too. You can proudly add that you never actually said that. You wanted to close an old miserable chapter and start the new clean one.
I don't know If this makes sense but that's how I feel about my own sitch. Yes, I said "feel".
None of my friends know anything about my M problems. Only my oldest brother is aware of my status right now. This is only because he is having R problems with his live in girlfriend. Family usually "takes" our side no matter what. I don't want any part of that. I know what I did in the M, the real truth.
That's exactly the problem. They take sides and even though they may take your side they hate to see you suffer and push you to leave your H for the sake of your own sanity. They think they are helping but actually causing the breakup. They are miserable themselves to watch you being hurt.
It has an adverse effect and they won't even know they're doing it.
Thanks for the insight.I guess that is what I meant by what I said, free to be our true selves in a R/M. H still is most likley thinking I agree with him, ending M is best. H is very literal , so what I said this morning, he will take as my full agreement that M should be over.
Yes, your wisdom makes sense. I hope things turn around for you also.
I just am not feeling good about what I said this morning, the being free part. I think I implied we should part ways. I am doing some hand wringing over it, thought I was past all that. It's making me nervous. Should I say anything to H to clarify? HELP!!! lol
I don't think clarifying what you said right now is a good idea. He heard what he wanted to hear anyway. One extra or one less word does not mean anything to him right now.
It's like when my W threw a fit the other night and wanted me to move out again. After she calmed down she finally asked "What do you want?" I almost fell into that trap. I would have loved to explain how I want our M to survive, etc, etc.
But what she really meant was "What does it take to get you out of my life? House, pets, money, what?"
That's the state of mind WAW is right now. Misunderstanding that question would have been a mistake. It would have made me look pursuing and weak.
I do think my H asking how I feel was looking for me to say I want the M to work. You know, testing to see if the old Susan is in there beneath the now "new" Susan. I am glad I didn't do say anything like that. H also said "we are separated even though we are still in house together". Really, so why should I fret over a word I said. Thanks for taking the 2x4 upside my head!!!
I am glad you didn't fall into the trap your WAW set up for you either. Good for you for being strong. Let her rant and rave, you stay cool, calm, collected. I think the WAS should be the one to leave. Unfortunately my H owns this house.
I am in the same sitch when it comes to the house. She took over the mortgage years ago. It's all hers now.
I agree that the one who breaks the family should leave, but it does not always work that way.
If I end up moving at least the door will stay open. We have 4 dogs and a cat that I will be visiting. She won't be able to shut me out of her life completely. At least I can maintain contact and see if DB works.
On the other hand if she leaves she would be out of her comfort zone and may turn around sooner. Then again, she may just sever all the ties.
The bottom line is that the detachment has to happen within the same house or not. That's the only way to break the misery.
