Quotes Found on Divorce Busting (III)

[Ready2Change]

I would tell her "Considering where we are with our marriage right now, I don't feel the need to tell you everywhere I'm going, and with whom. Please stop interrogating me all the time -- it's annoying, and -- frankly -- very unattractive."

[Ready2Change]

Here's a list of signs:


50 Indicators of Infidelity.

1. A sudden upturn in their demeanor or outlook on life.
2. Constantly late.
3. More possessive toward wallet, pocket calendar or briefcase.
4. Comes home more often with alcohol on breath.
5. Starts talking about getting together with old friends they haven't seen in years.
6. Starts shopping for new clothes.
7. Starts taking a renewed interest in their appearance.
8. Starts keeping an overnight bag in their car or office, ostensibly for a workout or a game of tennis.
9. Orders dishes or new household items never ordered before.
10. Does not look at other women/men as much as they used to.
11. Starts working late and on holidays and weekends.
12. Express opinions on subjects that they never had an interest in.
13. Takes a new interest in anticipated schedule.
14. Encourages you to visit parents or friends alone.
15. They give you gifts that show a new level of taste or insight about the opposite sex.
16. Car is kept free of paraphernalia belonging to you or the kids.
17. Starts attending extended seminars or conventions.
18. Start using new words and phrases.
19. At odd hours they start remembering things they forgot to do at the office.
20. They suggest that you open up separate checking accounts.
21. Often forget to wear wedding ring.
22. Takes the dog for much longer walks.
23. Makes more phone calls late at night.
24. A marked change of attitude towards secretary, colleagues or friends.
25. Suddenly takes up new hobbies or friends that take them out of the house in the evenings and weekends.
26. They talk about a movie they've seen but you have not.
27. They insist on answering the phone.
28. They call out a different name in sleep.
29. Smell of a different soap from the brand at home and/or you smell freshly showered at 1.00am.
30. They care about how breath smells. New mints, gum, etc. found around house.
31. Uses pre-paid calling card/pager/cell phone for the first time ever.
32. Loses a lot of weight and seems proud of new body.
33. Saddest list item is: change in die-hard pro-life feelings on abortion.
34. Gut feeling. The biggest indicator of an affair is just feeling that it is so.
35. Juvenile behavior and music interests!!!
36. Uses more kid slang than the kids!!!!!
37. Knows all the new pop singers and has CD's.
38. When they lose stuff they accuses you of gettting into their "stuff"....
39. Uses the ATM way too much!
40. All of a sudden, their attitude about people who cheat changes, e.g., "we shouldn't judge because we don't know their whole story."
41."It wasn't a dinner date - it was just a way of saying thank you for carpooling"
42."I never lied about being married - she never asked me, so I just didn't bring it up"
43. Grocery shopping and other excuses to get out "alone."
44.The one difference is that my Wife wants our kids to like the other person because in the back of her head she thinks she will be with him. Very sickening. !!!!!!!!!!!
45. Carries toothpaste, toothbrush, mouthwash at all times.
46. When other person is co-worker, can't wait to get to work each day .
47. Becomes great friends with people going through divorce.
48. Defends other who are/have/will cheat(ed/ing).
49. Distances themselves from those with strong (any) moral values.
50. Gets "coded" pager messages at all times of the day and night

[Ready2Change]

I'm going to say one thing and one thing only. Change YOU...not for your marriage...not for him...for YOU.

Change? ok big statement. How about just starting to be different. Act like you don't care what he's doing where he's going. If you are crying...STOP crying and START going out. Change your hair style...your clothes or if you can't financially then change it up...if you are a jeans girl start wearing dresses...just do something DIFFERENT.

No matter what...in the end you are working on yourself. If he wants to come along then he can but in the mean time you aren't going to let him take you down.

Get your self esteem back now!

[Ready2Change]

Don't feel bad about weeping. I'm lucky. My desk faces away from everyone so when I have my daily pity party, no one really notices, or at least pretends not to notice. There's nothing wrong with grieving. You've tried SOOOOOOO hard, and you have nothing to be ashamed about. This isn't about screwing up your life, this is about your wife leaving. Let her go. Pick up the pieces of your life, put them together, take care of your kids, and eventually this pain will fade to a dull throb. God be with you.

[Ready2Change]

Put together an thoughtful letter that goes something like:

I am sorry to tell you that our marriage is in trouble. _____ has been having an affair with a 23 year old man with a troubled history, and I have asked her to leave, not because I do not want to fight for my marriage, but because I want to protect myself and our children from this predator she is seeing and because her behavior is not something I want our children to be continually exposed to.

I appreciate your support in this matter.

Give them each copies of the letter. Then step back. She is going to get angry because you didn't help her carry out her Big Lie. She is going to run "damage control" and spin many more webs of deceit. Do not engage her. If you say anything, ask her if she has found an apartment yet or say you did not want to lie for her.

It's the right thing to do.

[Ready2Change]

She was pissed that i took such a rigid stance on this and actually moved into the spare room last night which I guess she thinks punishes me.

She counts my behavior in this matter as controlling and has said the same. Maybe but I think it is important to protect the kids from any blame here as it will be difficult enough on them.

See what you did there? You went by "What is THE RIGHT THING TO DO" instead of by what your wife might see as "controlling" or whatever.

You ABSOLUTELY continue to stand up and do what's right by those kids. It is UNCONSCIONABLE what she's doing here! And do NOT let her inform them by herself; make sure you are there too, and correct anything that needs correcting. If she does it anyway, then make sure you circle back with each of them, answer any of their questions honestly, and reassure them both.

[Ready2Change]

How can I get past this obvious lie? How can I ever trust the person I trusted the most again, if she continues to lie to me about something so fundamental?

You can't -- and you shouldn't. This is your HEALTH you're talking about here!

You should accept nothing short of 100% no-contact from her, full transparency, a full-panel STD test (with a copy of the results shown to YOU), and good MC/FT with a therapist trained in infidelity.

YOU need to decide what YOUR boundaries are, because the truth is, that -- over time -- we really do teach people how to treat us, and you've "taught" your wife that this is acceptable behavior. YOU need to begin to dramatically change the marital dynamic.

You may want to start with this:

Why are you cooking and cleaning, and buying beautiful things for a woman who is cheating on you??

[Ready2Change]

This IS a business transaction at this point, sadly, and you have to "always be in the superior knowledge position," as my brother likes to say.

As for this:

I talked to W briefly today about the vacation $ and mentioned that this is going to ruin both of us financially. She again said that this isn't about the $, so maybe she will be reasonable. Who knows.

YOU NEED TO CUT THIS KIND OF THINKING NOW, cuz this is what got you to this horrible place. YOUR WIFE, SADLY, IS YOUR ADVERSARY RIGHT NOW. There's a reason they put that little "v" between the names of the parties! These conversations have no place; you need to think of yourself as a JUDGE, and picture yourself saying to your wife "We really shouldn't be having this conversation right now, this is ex parte" (or whatever it is they call it.

You need to lawyer up and self-research up. As the Good Book says, "There is wisdom in many counselors." I'm not sure if the breakdown is your atty or you or some combination, but I'd strongly advise strengthening at least ONE (if not both) links in that two-link chain before going in next time for permanent decisions.

[Ready2Change]

I know exactly how I got her. I was very affectionate; emailed/texted cute nothings all the time; spent lots of time doing nothing with her (TV, movies- quality time LL)...

But the ATTITUDE behind this stuff is the "essence" and a core to which you need to return. YOU will be happier that you did, and at SOME point, I guarantee you that your wife WILL notice this stuff. It may be when OM dumps her ass, or it may be the day after your divorce is final. It may be three weeks from now or it may be two YEARS from now. But you DID attract her once, and there's a reason for that, and her brain will NOT always be closed to you chemically.

[Rich 123]

CityGirl

I think the term "hard approach" is not always what people think. Give her a divorce and get a fair settlement. All that means is the legal part of your marriage has been dissolved. If she is not BS'ing you then she will get C'ing without your prompting and will want to get to know you again. If she is full of crap then at least the business side of things will be settled and you can go from there.