Susan - I told my H that I didn't want to hurt him anymore so I would look for a lawyer, but that wasn't what I wanted - that I wanted to work on the M. I said I didn't want the old M either but I thought we owed it to ourselves to see if we could make things better and then if not we'd at least know we gave it our all.
A month later and I am seeing some real movement from him. Dare I say, he even seems happy to be around me!
He: WAH Me: LBW Precious: DD
~ I'm grateful for every day I have to improve the way I relate.
That's too bad about your W owning house.I think it makes things more "scary". Staying where we are would be easier, at least we would be in familiar surroundings, with all our "stuff". Since we don't own any part of the homes we live in, I believe we are legally considered tenants.
Your take on leaving is good, and makes sense.You will be visiting your pets and will see W, so maybe she will miss you and be open to working on R.
Are you legally separating, separating, or D..if you don't mind my asking.
I have a desert tortoise, Ernie, (he's my "kid") that I will have to leave at the house. H and I built a new large and very nice enclosure for him a few months ago and I don't wish to uproot the tortoise from his comfort zone. I will hate not seeing Ernie every day. I am a huge animal lover and need that contact.
Misery is right. I am sorry to sound so down and negative today- it has been a very bad day for me. Meeting days to discuss our "path" between H and I always stir up emotions. I feel some of the old anger creeping back in. Guess I "resent" H staying put and having a beautiful home to live in that I helped create.I know its backsliding thinking that way. H's list stating all the jointly owned furniture and pricing, annoyed me. Almost all furn. was placed into his column, and he will pay me half for anything I don't take. An example- I spent $1700.00 on two leather recliners. Per H, if I leave them here, he pays me $850. H gets two chairs for $850.00. I am sure it all makes sense, but as I said I am not having a good day.
Tomorrow is a new day, and another chance to shine.
Today...I am convinced my H won't change his mind. I feel H believes he is on the right path and that path is without me. As I said to another poster, I am having a "bad" day!
I just have to take each day as it comes and start making concrete plans for a new life.
Eh, so so. It's been a rough 10 days or so for me.
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We DO have alot of similarities.
Is there someone you can stay with also when you move in November?Do you know why your H picked November?
It was picked for him due to other circumstances I can't go into here. Btw, the "alt" is Facebook and if you have an account for your DB self only, you can interact with a lot of us there, too. If you create a DB account there, send me your user name and I'll hook up with you and be able to share more details.
I went into more detail on my thread (I think), but I'll be moving into an apartment before the drop dead date. Just need to figure out custody of my child first.
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Yes, I could stay with my parents or oldest brother. I am hesitant to do that as I really don't want them involved, plus I'd still be in limbo. As you pointed out, that is very hard. H is suggesting either I rent an apt or possibly buy a condo with my separate/saved cash.I really don't know yet what I will do.
H is very curious about my 180. Twice he has said he notices I am calm, positive and appear happy. H asked me today "how" was feeling.I said I really didn't want to get into discussing emotions. H was surprised by this reply. I did tell him this M wasn't working for me either and that we both need to be free to be our true selves. H said yes, when we blame each other we aren't our real selves and if we are angry we cannot ever have a new good life. I worry that by saying these types of things, I am giving H signal I want out. Agreeing with H is the right thing to do, but it is scary too.
There are various opinions on this, but it's being discussed a little in the "Setting them free" thread if you want to go check it out. Myself and a friend who's also here on the boards felt like you do and didn't want to be mis-perceived by agreeing with them. I believe that by DBing I was kind of mis-perceived anyway and let him to believe I didn't care that he wanted a D (may be less due to DB than to his personality- I'll never know). But he noticed my changes too and for awhile the changes made ME feel better, which is the most important thing. It was also an important symbol to do the 180s b/c it makes them question: if they're convinced we have certain traits/behaviors and that those are things they can't live with anymore and they know we'll never change... then they have their reason for D. If they see that in other areas we are perfectly capable of happily making changes... it makes them question- could she change this other thing, the thing that I'm running away from- too??
What I and my friend decided to do about the "how will he know if I really still want to work things out if I agree w/him?" dilemma was, in our own way, to say "I do not want to be doing this, but I will respect your wishes to end the M" a few times. I see some wise advice to you above that contradicts this and it's totally valid- you have to decide what you can live with. For me, it was worse to imagine that if I DIDN'T make it clear, I would always wonder if I had, if it would've made a difference, than it was to risk pushing him away by repeating it a few times over the course of months. In the end, he has still claimed he thought I didn't care, but I also don't think that means he was ever going to change his mind.
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Our meeting today was all business. It's hard, but I got through it.I was businesslike also. H is not emotional and is all about making lists.I realize this is how H controls his emotions. H's emotions are carefully controlled. I have been seeing a bit of a crack in the tough, cold veneer.
I am financially dependent on H at this time. I receive unemployment but it isn't much compared to my real salary when working. If only I were working it would be much easier!! I am 55 and was thinking before the bomb dropped, of retiring. The job hunt hasn't turned up much. I will keep on looking and something WILL pop.I have hip replacement surgery Sept 27th, so really cannot start working anyway (this is why I am still in the house with H, he is allowing me to have surgery on his medical ins. before I move out), until I am healed and have moved.
I was thinking yesterday, that this has been quite a year!! 1.Lost job in April 2.Bomb dropped July 20th. "Separated" but still at home 3.Moving in November unless H wants me to stay and I agree
We could compare notes on crappy years- but only in the alt. I'm so sorry for your terrible year. Maybe 2011 will be our year, you think?
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I like what you said about being strong, NB. WE are sure that, my friend.We never really know how tough our crust is until these types of experiences test us.We both has risen to the challenges. I am very proud of you!!!!!
It is so healthy for you that you remain calm when H yells, and rants. YOU will always have your self respect.[quote]
I was never a fiery person to begin with, more of a conflict-avoidant, but it's hard not to argue back when someone's attacking you. However, I'm finding it easier and easier to just observe and think how silly he sounds.
[quote]Yes, H and I did the old type of MC.It only made things worse. Have you tried MC?? I think SBT is the answer- if a M can indeed be saved, this is how it will be.
What's SBT? Yes, many therapies we tried. It is only as good as the 2 participants and if 1 isn't willing to examine their own actions and contributions AND do something to change, it will never help. I couldn't do it all by myself.
2011 will arrive and we will be settled and happy once again.
I used to have a Facebook acct, but dropped it.I may start it up again.If I do,I will certainly send you my username.
So..you are leaving before the drop dead date? I am thinking of doing this myself. Being in La La Limboland is too hard. Some may say I might be not letting enough time go by to see if DB can work to stop the split, but signs are H won't change his mind. Yes, there have been a few good signs, but I do believe today, the die has been cast. After all, H is a logical engineer and I am not sure I can be logical enough to change his mind! Plus, part of our problems are lack of a physical R and H says I am post menopausal and not interested in that.H says he needs and wants that. It's not true I don't. How can a W wish to be close to her H when she feels she doesn't like her or love her? H doesn't get that part.
I may see if I can move up my surgery date. If so, I can be out when I decide to be out. Not really comfortable with having H dictate how all should progress.
H has been whistling a happy tune all day. Is driving me nutty. Gee, do ya think that is H's purpose? lol.
Yes, I also think that way- the 180 makes them think of us as we were prior to all the crap. I was just worried I gave the wrong message to H this morning, but another poster said my H heard what he wanted to hear anyway and one or two words really won't make a difference to my H. The poster is right.
Personally, I really am uncomfortable being an invisible W.H told me we are separated right now. I am starting to feel as if I need to move on. I think maybe you and I will feel stronger if we leave at a date of our choosing. Do you feel that way, NB??
SBT is solution based therapy- it's what the DB and DR books teach.
Hang in there and do what feels right for you .
I just want the tightness in my chest to go away! Feels like a 500 pound elephant is sitting there! Anxiety, she is a silent, but heavy partner now. LOL
Susan - you will have good days and bad. That's human nature even when things are going well. My H spent a week telling me what a horrible W I had been, that I was a b*tch, sxless b*tch, that he couldn't wait to have sx with other women. If I tried to refute what he said he'd tell me I was lying. It was awful. He said his mind was made up - he was done.
It's never over 'til its over, and even then it might not be over.
COnsider this time as a window of opportunity. Be your best and see if your H wants the same kind of R that you do. If not, you'll be in a better place for the next one.
He: WAH Me: LBW Precious: DD
~ I'm grateful for every day I have to improve the way I relate.
Sorry you had to endure the rants, cruel and hurtful at that, from your H.
Doing the DB/180 really helps handling that type of behavior.
I am going to work even harder at being patient and positive. These are two areas I am focused on changing. I used to react to H emotionally, but don't anymore.
Again, thanks for the support and you hang in there.
You are doing great Susan. If the M ends up in divorce, think of it as unraveling a business partnership - take the emotion out. And remember, divorce proceedings can go as quickly or slowly as you want - just advise your lawyer. Hopefully you won't get to that point and your H will feel drawn to the kinder, softer, less dramatic you. Are we twins btw?
He: WAH Me: LBW Precious: DD
~ I'm grateful for every day I have to improve the way I relate.
After all, H is a logical engineer and I am not sure I can be logical enough to change his mind! Plus, part of our problems are lack of a physical R
Where is the logic in that?
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H says he needs and wants that.
He feels invisible to you.
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It's not true I don't.
How come he doesn't know it? It's a hunger he has that is very powerful, the problem with hunger is that it appears numerous times throughout everyday.
He wants to feel loved, wanted and desired by his woman. Stop calling him logical. He is a man first, engineer second.
M22,H45,W45 S21/18D12 Retain faith that you will prevail in the end, regardless of the difficulties and at the same time confront the most brutal facts of your current reality, whatever they might be.
I'm so sorry for your terrible year. Maybe 2011 will be our year, you think?