Guess the comments all three of us are making show the drastic difference between how men/women think of phy side of R.
I think doing what LRT suggested is an attempt for us to break the ice , to show we still care about H and showing we still wish to be close. But in my case doing that may cause a bigger divide.I just don't know.......
I believe we were going on 6 or 7 mos of no sx or contact. Separate bedrooms. Complete detachment.
Susan - as long as you are sincere, it will be well-received. Put on your "sxy hat" and remember that you are a woman first and a W/employee/etc second. Change your dress - change your hair - wear perfume - do things differently.
I'm only 10 yrs behind you in age and I couldn't have imagined doing any of this, until I realized I really needed to know if my M could work.
He: WAH Me: LBW Precious: DD
~ I'm grateful for every day I have to improve the way I relate.
H told me when he dropped the bomb that I just didn't want any part of phy R..I
You validate his feelings. Then you let him know that he doesn't know what you think/feel/believe (mind reading.)
"I can understand how you could see it that way. Please don't tell me what I am thinking about our M by saying I don't want a physical R. What I really think about our R is___________________."
For a so-called logical man he sure does use his feelings a lot?
The pain of staying outweighs the pain of leaving. Stop his feelings of pain. Create some emotional connection. Flirt with him, be mysterious, let him come to you.
M22,H45,W45 S21/18D12 Retain faith that you will prevail in the end, regardless of the difficulties and at the same time confront the most brutal facts of your current reality, whatever they might be.
Your path sounds like it has been a hard one. I really admire your strength. I am hoping things work out for you as you want them do.
The separate bedroom thing lasted one night here.I couldn't sleep in the guest room.Advised H if he wanted to move in there, go ahead, but I couldn't sleep there, that I needed to be in my comfort zone as much as possible. We are still sleeping in same bed.But no contact of course.I want to have some phy contact, but making the first move sure is scary- if I make an attempt, and H rejects me, I'd feel pretty awful and stupid then. I don't wish to do anything manipulative. I'd only try to get phy with H if I thought it would let him know that side of me isn't dead as he told me it was, that I still desire him, etcetc....
Okay, I will see if I can initiate something phy. Trying to get phy might backfire though, so I had best be prepared for that.H may get angry. I have a coaching session on Monday, I may run this all by Laurie first.
I am wearing my hair differently...I make sure I am perfumed and wearing nice clothes every day.I wear makeup every day, and try to look my best. I do this for myself, as well as H.
If the flirting thing works for you that's great. My H would not have gotten it. He needs a 2x4. You should do whatever feels comfortable and that will come across as sincere. Maybe start with the flirtation and graduate to a more direct approach if that is not getting a reaction.
And remember in DR, the book talks about testing the waters and if you get a negative response then retreat and give it more time.
He: WAH Me: LBW Precious: DD
~ I'm grateful for every day I have to improve the way I relate.
Trying to respond to everything you posted since yesterday. On advice of a friend I'll take a risk to be more detailed and hope he doesn't find it this time.
Originally Posted By: Susan1Survivor
So..you are leaving before the drop dead date? I am thinking of doing this myself. Being in La La Limboland is too hard. Some may say I might be not letting enough time go by to see if DB can work to stop the split, but signs are H won't change his mind. Yes, there have been a few good signs, but I do believe today, the die has been cast. After all, H is a logical engineer and I am not sure I can be logical enough to change his mind! Plus, part of our problems are lack of a physical R and H says I am post menopausal and not interested in that.H says he needs and wants that. It's not true I don't. How can a W wish to be close to her H when she feels she doesn't like her or love her? H doesn't get that part.
Some people think that the LBS leaving actually can spark a change. I don't know. But yes, I have to leave before then b/c if I wait til that date, I can't live here anymore. Long story. And apartments in my price range close to H's house are very hard to find so I found one and put a deposit down. Am scared out of my mind about it. I never wanted this.
I will tell you that after it seemed totally hopeless, she had sex with her H again, many times, after this. It was kind of a fluke at first, but she tried dressing up and going out (w/out him), which piqued his interest, went to some sex toy parties and let him know she bought stuff, appeared in her lingerie one morning that she'd slept in (used to sleep in sweats and bought some prettier, sexier stuff to sleep in and just let him notice - e.g., this stuff was all for her but could benefit him too, she hinted, but didn't say. And it made her feel more attractive too). Eventually he made some comments and she let him know she was interested in sex with NO expectations from him about the R. Pursuaded him that she had "needs" too, which he didn't believe at first, but he had felt so rejected and unloved that eventually he didn't question it anymore, just did it. If she can bring him back to bed, so can you. It seemed impossible at the time. They're in limbo now too, but that was a step that didn't seem like it would ever work. She had fears about him thinking she was manipulative too, but it didn't end up meaning much after awhile.
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I may see if I can move up my surgery date. If so, I can be out when I decide to be out. Not really comfortable with having H dictate how all should progress.
That could be a good idea unless there's another reason to wait? If you need time to find a place to live, tell him you're keeping the Nov date, having surgery early, and when recouperated, going apartment hunting and will leave earlier than Nov if you can.
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Personally, I really am uncomfortable being an invisible W.H told me we are separated right now. I am starting to feel as if I need to move on. I think maybe you and I will feel stronger if we leave at a date of our choosing. Do you feel that way, NB??
Somewhat, yes. And my H is going out, I don't know what he's doing or who he's with but he considers us separated in a lot of ways too, so he'd probably think it wasn't cheating to hook up with someone now, whereas I cannot live with him anymore if he does that. So I'm scared to make the move, but think I will do it- yes on my own schedule. Partly b/c of apt availability here and partly b/c it's getting harder to live with him and his passive-aggressiveness.
Btw on the L- please go consult some on your own now. Most charge either a nominal fee or nothing for 30-60 min. Make sure you've got all your tax returns, financial records, etc (ask them what you should bring). You do not need to tell H you're doing this- but you do need to protect yourself. He might've done it already and not told you. I would not use the same L unless you think mediation is going to work for you but even then, you need your own L to run the final agreement by before you sign anything. This is becoming a business deal, remember? You'd never agree to divide up a corporation by using the same L or not consulting someone who only has YOUR interests in mind.
It appears your H found your DB blog, thus your caution.I understand that.I am careful to shut my PC down after using, ( I put a password on it, H cannot get into my email, etc), I lock all my books, journal, notes, etc in my file cabinet.
I think it's good you found an apt near your current home and in a price range that's good too. Those are hard to come by.I have driven by a few apts. Saw one I could absolutely live in..has a garage too.
It might be true , the LBS 's leaving may indeed trigger a wake up call in WAH. With that said, you are right, it's all scary and moving out when it is not what we want, just doesn't feel right. I think it's a healthy step, but only we can know if it is time.
Yes, there are many things in your M and mine that are the same... Seems amazing to me any of us can have sx less marriages. After all, when we are first dating, things are crazy good in that area. As my H said, we LET everything die. I will check out Alice's post for sure.I like what she did! I will try a few things.
The only reason to move up my surgery date is to shorten the time spent in Limbo Land. Being in this house like this is hard. It feels like a prison. I can "do the hard work" and stay until my move out date, but I am questioning whether it's good for my health.
I don't think the WAH or any WAW should engage in sx with another until their spouse has moved out of the home. Even then, I believe people need a year to get their heads back on straight.In my way of thinking it just adds one more complication to an already difficult situation. If my H did become phy involved with someone, I truly think I might stop trying to save M. I don't know for sure- these days, there aren't any absolutes for me in some areas.
Thanks for the L info.I was already planning on doing that. Unless I dig through H's files, I will have to ask him for copies of all tax papers, etc. I won't tell him why I need them, but am sure he will know. Yes, this is a business deal. No, I am a careful person, so I wouldn't wish to use only one L. H has said he feels we won't wish to "screw " each other financially. I don't want to be naive and fully trust H.
Well, I tried flirting. While we were speaking and H was doing a mild teasing about something I said, I touched H's chest. H seemed a bit taken aback.
Later after H returned from a meeting in the evening, I was dressed in a skimpy nightgown. I had a candle burning in bedroom...H saw me, the candle and left the room, after we talked about his meeting. I approached him in the living room, said how about if you come into bedroom and watch the movie with me? H said no,but I'll turn it on in here for us. So, we watched the rest of the movie...and then I went to sleep.
I am getting frustrated with the DB and 180 and all that, but I know it's the right way to approach this. I may speak openly to H in tomorrow's meeting about path to our split. I will just let H know (what you suggested in earlier post), the way I really feel about the phy R .
