I think you should take your focus OFF of him totally. Do what is healthy and productive for 8 and her healing and for her GAL and enjoyment of the rest of the summer. Don't worry a bit about what HE is thinking or needs from any of this...NOT your problem anymore. There is no rush to move on any of the D stuff, unless there are things you need to do to protect yourself, right? You don't have to push for any of it, unless it benefits YOU in some way. And you don't have to be his friend either.
His refusal to speak with your IC is probably a reaction of fear...fear that he will have to admit blame for his part of this and he's not man enough to do that yet. Stems back to his staunch refusal to go to MC with you too. He knows in his heart that there IS fault on his end...just doesn't want to own anything. He's grown accustomed in his mind to blaming you for everything, and all of the smileys and superlatives may be his lame attempt to convey to you how "great" his life is now. Whatever.
If one day, WAY down the road, H chooses to grow up and join the world of mature human beings, you have the opportunity to reopen that door to him. IF, that is, you still want to. Your "what if's" and "If only's" sound to me like you still harbor WAY more of your share of blame for the demise of the R--CUT THAT OUT!!! You may NEVER in this lifetime hear him admit his role or utter a real apology. I have all the compassion in the world for you, sister, we're birds of a feather. If I were in your shoes, I'm sure I'd be doing the same things, so ((((EIGHT))))
I think you should take your focus OFF of him totally. Do what is healthy and productive for 8 and her healing and for her GAL and enjoyment of the rest of the summer. Don't worry a bit about what HE is thinking or needs from any of this...NOT your problem anymore. There is no rush to move on any of the D stuff, unless there are things you need to do to protect yourself, right? You don't have to push for any of it, unless it benefits YOU in some way. And you don't have to be his friend either.
It's hard not to think about things I should do or could do. I'm a doer and a planner, and I hate to sit and wait for things to happen to me. But you're right--I don't need to focus any of my attention and energy on him.
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His refusal to speak with your IC is probably a reaction of fear...fear that he will have to admit blame for his part of this and he's not man enough to do that yet. Stems back to his staunch refusal to go to MC with you too. He knows in his heart that there IS fault on his end...just doesn't want to own anything. He's grown accustomed in his mind to blaming you for everything, and all of the smileys and superlatives may be his lame attempt to convey to you how "great" his life is now. Whatever.
Good points here on the talking to or seeing a counselor. He hasn't ever admitted to any part he may have had in our difficulties. All my fault.
As for the smileys and exclamation points, I can see that he would want to show me how upbeat and happy he is. I also think that it's a way to show me that even though he walked away, he still wants me to like him. Just look how friendly he's being! How could I NOT like him? Yeah.
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If one day, WAY down the road, H chooses to grow up and join the world of mature human beings, you have the opportunity to reopen that door to him. IF, that is, you still want to.
I won't hold my breath that he'll come out of his arrested development any time soon. (A wise person used that phrase several weeks ago).
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Your "what if's" and "If only's" sound to me like you still harbor WAY more of your share of blame for the demise of the R--CUT THAT OUT!!!
Yes, ma'am. Ha ha!
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You may NEVER in this lifetime hear him admit his role or utter a real apology.
Right again. I won't hold my breath on this one, either.
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I have all the compassion in the world for you, sister, we're birds of a feather. If I were in your shoes, I'm sure I'd be doing the same things, so ((((EIGHT))))
--silver
Thank you for your compassion. I don't have to tell you how frustrating it all is!
I guess the questions of what to do (if anything) have come after recently rereading some of my notes, portions of my books from my ridiculously extensive self-help library, and some postings here. These made me start to question things and second guess myself.
I'm tired. He has exhausted me. I'm tired of wondering what will come next. I'm tired of being disgusted by his lack of commitment to our marriage. I'm just plain tired.
Thanks for popping in on me. This was just what I needed. We'll get caught up further on the alt. I'm getting tired of doing home improvement projects, too. It's time to spend several hours a day on the computer!
TEN - Helllllllooooooooo! I've friended you twice in the alt. Are you ignoring your fave midwest friend? I'm almost family, you know! LoL I messed up my DB Handfull account... you SHOULD recognize me, for crying out loud!
Me-46, D-21, S15, S13
After many years w/my head in the sand... I FILED Divorced 6/2011
The average woman would rather have beauty than brains, because the average man can see better than he can think.
TEN - Helllllllooooooooo! I've friended you twice in the alt. Are you ignoring your fave midwest friend? I'm almost family, you know! LoL I messed up my DB Handfull account... you SHOULD recognize me, for crying out loud!
*7/25 I sent H a picture of Boxer dog on a recent boat ride. Soooooo cute. *7/26 H texts, "Looks like you guys had fun at the lake:) scaredy cat looks like he's okay with the boat:) Couple of things, I'm gonna move my cable account because that's the only way I can get it here is to move it, which means you'll have to get them to come hook it up under your name. I haven't gotten this moving yet cuz I wanted to tell you first...I'm also gonna go this week and talk to the insurance ppl and get that all taken care of, and I'm gonna do the cellphone thing. I can do that on the net but I have to go to moms to do it...Are you ready for school to start back? From the background of the pictures u sent it looks like you're doing some house stuff I'm happy for u that you are making things happen over there" *I respond, "First question--what insurance things are you going to take care of?" *He responds, "Oh, making my stuff (car life etc) come outta my account not yours" *I say, "I'd check with your lawyer first. When you filed for divorce, that put a restraining order on both of us. There are certain things we can't change until this divorce is final." *He responds, "Oh ok" *I write, "Next thing--he loved being on the boat." *He asks, ":) did he swim?" *I say, "No, he didn't swim. He just stood on the back of the boat and waited for me while I did." *Then I write, "That's fine on the cable. I may go with a different company. Fine also on the cell phone. Just keep me in the loop." *He writes, "Ok" *I write, "I'm not ready for school to start back. I've had a very productive summer. I've done over the den, the bedroom, and now into the kitchen. I'm happy things are happening here, too. It just took me time to get to that point in the grief cycle. It makes me sad and disappointed that you didn't have the patience to wait for me to get there. It's too bad we couldn't survive through it." *I then write, "I also want to say that you were wrong about me. You said a lot of things, but on many of them you underestimated me. You underestimated that things could change. You underestimated how much I loved you, valued you, wanted you in my life, needed your companionship, and appreciated you. You underestimated my dedication to you. I believe that I was very good to you, and I guess I thought my "acts of service" demonstrated my devotion. I was very depressed for so long, and I couldn't even see how I insulated myself by getting absorbed with work, with books, or with my own thoughts. I made plenty of mistakes, and I'm sorry for those. Counseling has helped me accept my role in our difficulties. One day I'll tell you in person that I'm sorry for my choices and mistakes. It has made me sad that when I have written or spoken things to you during our separation, it has been interpreted as having a double meaning or a jab. This made me feel like you thought very little of me. That you believed I would be petty at every opportunity. I also believe that you underestimated my capacity to forgive. [Enter Dobson's "opening the cage door" concept.] I've been through many difficult moments since you left. My love for you made the possibility of life without you unbearable. To someone like me who expected to marry you and remain committed for life, it was a shock to see our relationship fall apart. It hurt so much that you could leave. I felt like I had no value to you. I felt like I wasn't worth the trouble to you. I felt like I wasn't worth fighting for. You married me of your own free will, and you're free to leave the marriage of your own will. I should never have tried to talk to you about why I believed our relationship was worth saving. We had different ideas, and we both thought we were right. This has been terribly painful, but I'm going to make it. We had some good times together. We have lots of good memories. I hope the future holds good things for you."
WOW! A tremendous weight has been lifted. I really needed to do that.
And husband of mine, if by chance you're reading this, I meant every word of it. I haven't deserved any of what you've given me, and I AM worth fighting for.
Two days with 15-year-old half-brother. A dinner with father and brother. Time and engaging conversation with father and brother. Completely exhausting.
At present: sharing couch with Boxer dog (who was once again declared fat by father), consuming second glass of wine, and enjoying silence (which I never thought would come again).
Too tired to even think of posting more. Tomorrow is another day.
8, How's going? You've been quiet the last few days?
Me: 45 WAW: 45 | M22 | T25 | No Kids Nov 09 W Filed | Dec 09 Separation Mar 17 2010 Divorce Papers Signed | Divorce Hearing Cancelled Moved back home May 2010 PA Confirmed June 2010 | W left Dec 7 2010
mrbt! So glad to hear from you! Thanks for checking in on me. I HAVE been quiet for a bit, and here's why--H came and took the wireless internet router! I'm left only with magical iPhone. It's possible to do posting and responses with this wizardly tool, but it is considerably more time consuming. I also often hit the keys c, v, or b when I mean to hit the spacebar. This requires much concentration and editing ability. I've chosen to change internet providers regardless, but they have not deemed me a high enough priority case as yet. When my laptop can once again stretch its wings and enjoy wireless, I won't have to be so quiet and mysterious. This is especially important l since H paid a brief visit yesterday and was disconcerted by my admirable detachment. so much to write about that. Soooooo gratifying.
In other news, father is cooking mass quantities of meat this Sunday night. A family event. Oh, no.
Tomorrow is another day.