Most likely the subtle nuances of this roller coaster ride are passing me by.I am struggling with the DB/180, as I feel it is giving me a false sense of hope.
Hi Susan!
If you feel this way then you are doing it wrong. Your 180's are for YOU not him. YOU have to be doing them for you and YOU only. I understand what you are saying about "false hope" and it's okay to do this with the expectations that it will save your marriage, BUT you do the 180's because of you first...marriage is your byproduct.
Do you understand what I'm saying?
As far as your last post goes...you are mind reading. I'm not an expert, but mind reading makes me insane. YOU can't focus on his thoughts, okay? You are going to, but stop yourself and ask what do "I WANT".
Trust me. I just got the hang of this a few days ago and I still screw up.
Please be truthful to YOURSELF. Identify what made the marriage go wrong on your part(NOT His), fix what you need to be happy with YOURSELF about that. You can't do his part, but you for you can. Once YOU are happy... then everything else will fall in place whether marriage ends or begins anew or you move on. This is NOT what anyone wants to hear, but it's truth.
2x4's are good, but they are only to make YOU think clearly and rationally about YOUR reality.
You are right. I can only own MY part of the M screw up, which I do.I own it, I analyze it, I am learning from it.
The painful part of this whole M mess is that I still think it's fixable, H doesn't.
Yes, I have read the detaching info.I printed it out and I read it several times a day. Very good advice, hard to do without slipping up and regressing here and there. It's nose to grindstone time.
I know others have said not to think this way, but remember, your husband is a man first, an engineer second. Trust me on this. No matter what, he thinks with the little guy first, and the sliderule second. When he sees you walk out all dolled up looking good, he's curious as hell. Shocked as you say.
I know holding on to hope is hard, but stranger things have happened. Do the things for you, keep a small amount of hope, and don't slam the door. You never know what might happen.
These forums are full of some of the saddest, heartbreaking stories I've ever read, but also full of personal redemption, and sometimes even love and reconciliation.
Susan, I know holding on to hope is hard, but stranger things have happened. Do the things for you, keep a small amount of hope, and don't slam the door. You never know what might happen.
Yes. Don't slam the door. Hope is in everyone of us, just put you first.
I know you are right, but it is painful being in this house, waiting and watching and hoping.
I hope the "little guy" makes a move ..lol. I think IF that were to happen, maybe, just maybe, things might turn around. I keep thinking about physically going after my H, but I am afraid to-I couldn't take the rejection.
I will continue to make keep myself looking good, ( H always used to say "if you weren't so cute I would have killed you long ago" lol), and hope things work out.
The problem is that being here is getting way too hard.I find myself avoiding H.
I agree-reading some of the stories is difficult. So much pain- I hate knowing people are suffering. I think WHY can't we just FIX it??!!!
I agree with you and Pinhead. I am putting myself first.
Slamming the door is to admit defeat. But having HOPE is getting harder every day. As I said, the days H and I have our meetings, is the low point for me. Everything hits home and the harshness of reality of the future sinks in.I keep imagining myself moving out and living in a small apt, when I have been used to a large home and property. I need to reconcile within myself it's all about being happy first and foremost.
It appears your H found your DB blog, thus your caution.I understand that.I am careful to shut my PC down after using, ( I put a password on it, H cannot get into my email, etc), I lock all my books, journal, notes, etc in my file cabinet.
Bingo. And I've been unable to post for myself here since April. It was really hard, but the alt helps. Be aware though, that's not how he found me- he paid attention to when I was doing all my furious typing every night and googled things like "divorce prevention" and stumbled on the site. Since threads get bumped up in the queue right after someone posts, he figured out which could be mine, then, as I'd copied many emails from him verbatim, he recognized his own words. So, it's not always enough to protect your computer and p/w.
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It might be true , the LBS 's leaving may indeed trigger a wake up call in WAH. With that said, you are right, it's all scary and moving out when it is not what we want, just doesn't feel right. I think it's a healthy step, but only we can know if it is time.
I don't ever think I'll feel it's the right time or I'm ready. I just have to get as close as I can and then... leap.
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Yes, there are many things in your M and mine that are the same... Seems amazing to me any of us can have sx less marriages. After all, when we are first dating, things are crazy good in that area. As my H said, we LET everything die. I will check out Alice's post for sure.I like what she did! I will try a few things.
The only reason to move up my surgery date is to shorten the time spent in Limbo Land. Being in this house like this is hard. It feels like a prison. I can "do the hard work" and stay until my move out date, but I am questioning whether it's good for my health.
It is taxing my mental health and spiritual strength for sure. so, this is legitimate- pay attention to it and how it's affecting you. A lot of people DB from separate residences and claim it can still have an effect- and remember it's for you
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Thanks for the L info.I was already planning on doing that. Unless I dig through H's files, I will have to ask him for copies of all tax papers, etc. I won't tell him why I need them, but am sure he will know. Yes, this is a business deal. No, I am a careful person, so I wouldn't wish to use only one L.
Dig through the files and make copies of everything before he moves them. Seriously. Women, listen up- you all need to know what's going on with your finances and $ records- if you haven't been, get your own copies NOW, before they're no longer accessible!
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H has said he feels we won't wish to "screw " each other financially. I don't want to be naive and fully trust H.
Yes, please don't. Mine made noises for weeks about how he wanted us to be "collaborative" and "cooperative" while being the worst passive-aggressive I've ever seen, writing subtly threatening emails (that were certainly not cooperative), etc. Remember an alien has possessed him and you can't trust anything or assume anything based on what he used to be like. I've seen too many times here someone acts based on the person they thought their spouse to be, only to get totally screwed. And I think it's funny b/c it sounds like it's his house and he's supporting YOU. So how, exactly would it be a "we" thing to mutually screw each other? Honey, he is projecting on you and is afraid you'll try for half of everything and doesn't want that to interfere with his new, better life without you. It sounds really nice, but watch out (sounds like you are already being cautious- but seriously, get those copies when he's not around).
Susan- just wanted to drop in and say hi. Did you read my thing that Nikita linked to? Can't say it worked miracles, but I learned that more was possible than I thought. Hang in there, you're getting the hang of this!
-A
When the men on the chessboard Get up and tell you where to go; And you've just had some kind of mushroom And your mind is moving slow; Go ask Alice... I think she'll know.
