Take your time with the legal stuff. Someone one here had only 5 minutes to decide something legal then regretted his decision. That doesn't sound right. Go slow and know what you want to do. Heck tell them you want to take a day or two to think about any documents.
Maybe that's why my wife wants a legal S, because the D was going to take until Jan and she doesn't like living like this.
Who does?
Me 44, W 39, S 6, D 6, M 21 Bomb June 18, 2010 I filed D July 20, 2010 W filed counter suit Aug 2 Rings came off Aug 5, 2010
Maybe your W got cold feet about a D-a leg sep is just rescinded if couple wants to get back together. I don't know WTH the differences mean to a WAS.
I absolutely will take my time as whatever I agree to in the leg sep, holds if we progress to D. That's awful for the person on this site who made a hasty legal decision.
H may want the door left open since his first wife filed a D after he moved out to "figure out what he wanted". Only he knows. I know I want the pain to stop. Yep, tremendous gut wrenching crap.
Definitely don't let him rush you into anything. He has to respect it when you say "I need some time to think about this and talk it over with my lawyer." Delay can only work in your favor.
Did you determine if he's having an A? Because that changes everything. Do you think he wants the sep to go live some wild single life? I'm hoping this isn't a MLC for him as from what I've read those can take years to resolve, but have you read any of those threads on that forum?
He: WAH Me: LBW Precious: DD
~ I'm grateful for every day I have to improve the way I relate.
I think the difference between a D and a legal S is the amount of time it takes to get it done. The legal S can happen sooner and then out the door they go. It's for legal reasons only that we are still in the same home.
Me 44, W 39, S 6, D 6, M 21 Bomb June 18, 2010 I filed D July 20, 2010 W filed counter suit Aug 2 Rings came off Aug 5, 2010
Oh, H isn't. We both agree limbo land isn't healthy.I already told him I need time. How much do I need in reality? H is done.Is only a matter of getting the leg sep document written up and signed. Why delay, no point in it. H is done and there isn't anything I can do to change it.I let go. I will be moving out Dec 1st. No reason to delay it.We will see L's soon and once get the sep doc signed, I have surgery and heal, then out I go.If H changes his mind, he could do that. We discussed that this morning. Highly unlikely he would change his mind.
A leg sep is not what I wanted to happen, but I have to RESPECT H is done. H said it would hurt more to stay in this unhappy M than the pain splitting up causes. Someone else on this site said "let go with love". This is what I plan to do. I may not be able to be "loving" all the time through the next very difficult 3-4 months, but I will give it my all to do that. It's better for ME if I let go with some dignity. I will feel better for having done that.
I do not believe there is an affair. Makes no difference if there was, done is done. H said 14 years of pain needs to end. H told me it was hard to say it was over- I believe him because we almost ended it 3 times before. I was able to talk him out of splitting before, not this time. H's decision isn't based on an affair or a whim.
It's useless to fight a WAS's wishes once they are mentally done.
You are right. Once the leg things are handled we are free to go on our way, yet still are legally M. Since this is a second M for both of us, doubtful we'd ever wish to remarry, so this type of agreement works for us.
My H said he is doing leg sep vs D so I can stay on his med insurance. Plus there are tax benefits if we jointly file income tax etc.My L will tell me the whole story.
How are things going with you? Have you moved out yet? Please let me know how you are...
I stayed two nights at my brother's this week. Monday, I told H I was going away for a few days. I did not tell H were I was going. (Sunday H said I should go to a retreat to "get my head" wrapped about things, that I was in denial M is dead, which I had been. I didn't leave for the two days because H suggested it. I left for ME. H asked for an emergency number, said "shouldn't we talk before you leave, let me know where are you going, so I don't worry". I said you can call my cell if emergency arises. I had my bag packed when he came into the house after his walk. H looked surprised.
I felt better being away from H and his "all business persona". Not being at "home", I didn't have to look at all that is/was near and dear.I am getting less and less "emotional" and more businesslike about the stuff /things in H's house. I consider this 100% H's house now. The cold way he acts is off putting and I will never let him see me upset.
H told me when I arrived back home today, nothing has changed, leg sep still on. I told him I wouldn't choose a leg sep, but he has, so let's get it done!!
I will be moving in with my brother before December 1st, which is my "vacate" H's home date.
H and I see a lawyer on Wednesday for a free consult re: leg sep. H is saying we might be able to use one lawyer( H wants all handled as cheaply as poss!!!), if we are agreeable with all included in leg sep doc. I told H I am not sure about that, but that getting a few questions answered in a free consult is okay for now.
The fast time frame is a concern for me, but H insists it's the "limboland " issue that drives that.
For me, it helped me stabilize my emotions by staying with my brother for a few days. It was a "sneak peek" into how it will be when H and I actually part ways for good.
How are things going with you? Have you moved out yet? Please let me know how you are...
Hi Susan- I'm doing ok. I'll post an update today on my thread (link below) and that's the best place to check up on me- this space is for YOU (but it's really nice of you to ask) .
No, earliest move out would be mid-Sept but I'll probably do it in stages as I buy furniture etc. I don't even have a bed for me or D yet, so we won't go right away.
Quote:
I stayed two nights at my brother's this week. Monday, I told H I was going away for a few days. I did not tell H were I was going. (Sunday H said I should go to a retreat to "get my head" wrapped about things, that I was in denial M is dead, which I had been. I didn't leave for the two days because H suggested it. I left for ME. H asked for an emergency number, said "shouldn't we talk before you leave, let me know where are you going, so I don't worry". I said you can call my cell if emergency arises. I had my bag packed when he came into the house after his walk. H looked surprised.
I felt better being away from H and his "all business persona". Not being at "home", I didn't have to look at all that is/was near and dear.I am getting less and less "emotional" and more businesslike about the stuff /things in H's house. I consider this 100% H's house now. The cold way he acts is off putting and I will never let him see me upset.
I'm glad you got an emotional break and change of scenery. It's funny that we've got these big fears about separating (which are legitimate), but also end up appreciating how it feels to spend time away from them given how they're treating us now, right? I file those thoughts and feelings away to remind myself that the future isn't all bad- it will be a relief in some ways to not be under the same roof.
Quote:
H told me when I arrived back home today, nothing has changed, leg sep still on. I told him I wouldn't choose a leg sep, but he has, so let's get it done!!
I will be moving in with my brother before December 1st, which is my "vacate" H's home date.
H and I see a lawyer on Wednesday for a free consult re: leg sep. H is saying we might be able to use one lawyer( H wants all handled as cheaply as poss!!!), if we are agreeable with all included in leg sep doc. I told H I am not sure about that, but that getting a few questions answered in a free consult is okay for now.
The fast time frame is a concern for me, but H insists it's the "limboland " issue that drives that.
This can't go any faster than you want it to, b/c he needs you to participate. If it's going too fast then tell him look, I need time to consult my own L and get this surgery behind me. Yes, I'm still moving out and yes we're proceeding with D, but I have other priorities I need to deal with so we'll get to the paperwork when both of us have the time and all the info we need.
You MUST see an L by yourself, the sooner the better. Can you call a few this week to set up consultations? It's often free or cheap. Only use a mediator/1 L if you are 100% sure you know your rights, etc. Even then, please still consult your own L before signing anything to make sure you're getting what is due to you, etc.
So when are you moving in with your brother? How long can you stay with him?
Taking your time so you can get a few furniture items here and there is a good plan. Slow but steady. Will help keep your stress level down.
The emotional break was good for me. My brother and his darling pugs made me laugh.I am going to a pool party with my brother and his girlfriend this Thursday, should be FUN.
I agree- there is the fear of leaving , but there is also a sense of relief when we are apart from our H's too. A stranger has taken over their body, and it feels better not being around them.
The future most likely won't be "bad" for us. It will be different for awhile until we settle into our new routines and deal with the emotional losses.
Are you working? I think that is my biggest fear. Can I find a good job and make enough to support myself as I did before I was laid off.
I will absolutely see my own L. I will NOT sign anything until she reviews. The meeting tomorrow is a free consult H set up. We both can ask questions. H is aware my L ( I haven't hired her yet, but I will, not a worry), will review any and all docs. I am taking my time. I already told H that I am hoping to be healed well enough to leave early November, however, moving involves lifting and I will not jeopardize my new bionic hip, by leaving too soon. When we discussed the leg sep time frame, H admitted if I am still here end of Dec his darling daughter cannot stay here.So there you have it- truth of H's time line.
I am happily going about my business every day. H and I don't go anywhere together.He leaves and returns, no questions asked. H does ask me some questions about my appointments, etc. I am always vague.
I am keeping busy. I am getting moving van quotes, storage unit quotes, arranging staying with my brother as long as I need to, no time limit there. I am sending my resume out, making lists of everything I wish to take.
As I have stated on these boards, I get it, my M is over. But if need be I will say this to H and his L, " I do not like where this is going. I need time to think about this".
Hang in there. I'm looking forward to reading more of your posts.
.